Family Photo! pic credit to Nic :)
(For those not from USM reading this, PKA = Persaudaraan Kristian Agape, it is one of the Christian fellowships in USM that I joined.)
I've never blogged about events that I went to before, but I do really want to share my experience and what I have learned from camp.
The biggest aspect that made this camp experience very special for me is the family fellowship. The 'human connection' element in the camp, made very possible by the events planned by the committee as well as the conducive-ness of the place we went to (quiet beach resort) is what made me feel a sense of belonging. I seldom experience this in life to be frank, mostly because I shy away from people in general, but I was really happy to be able to talk to people comfortably, just like how I would talk to my own physical family and childhood friends back home. I admit, I was still really guarded in general throughout camp, but there were instances where the guards came down and genuine connection happened between the campers. Here are some of those experiences that I mean:
pic credit to Wai Quan :)
Team Ranger
On the first day of camp, without warning, I was assigned to lead this team. What, me, lead? I thought - and for the next few hours, I actually freaked out and shut myself out from talking to people because of it, because I believed that I could not do it well. In my mind, I was too introverted and didn't have the passion needed to do do. But my group members - some who were exuberant and lively, while some were rational and thoughtful - were so dedicated, supportive, and constantly uplifted and encouraged me when I didn't know the right words to say or the right things to do. During the games as well as when planning our team cheer, everyone was so sporting and joined everything - making me feel, well, encouraged :) We spent a lot of time sharing, and all, yes all of the members shared from their hearts and experiences, understanding where everyone comes from. I was able to see different sides of people that previously I only knew superficially. We even had an impromptu sharing session after the 3rd service - it was initiated by the members themselves instead of it being a 'must-do' activity. Benedict, my assistant in the team, suggested that we do this activity, codenamed "M.U.S" - short for Moral Uplifting Society, where everyone takes turns to say positive things about each other, one person at a time. It was an eye-opening experience to how much encouragement was offered during the session, and it wasn't just superficial comments - they all were deep and well-thought out. Really enjoyed the camaraderie that developed within this team :) Go Rangers!
pic credit to Alison :)
Not Your Typical "Church" Camp
Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy church camps, especially back home! But this camp was refreshing in its execution of activities. The speaker conducted the preaching not so much like preaching - throughout the four sessions, he shared so much from his own life experiences, and even when he shared extensively from Scriptures, it was shared in a way that I didn't feel like it was 'preaching' but more of we all being in one big group where he was sharing and again, encouraging us to enter into the joy of knowing God through knowing God's Word. The devotions were taken quite seriously every morning - the dynamics of my team made every session become reflections on how we should live out our daily lives. There were also prayer stations that we prayed for every morning, on our own - something I wasn't used to, but an interesting experience. There were stations such as thanksgiving, praying for each other's needs, praying for our own needs, praying for the CF, praying for our blood family and other's blood families, and praying for our friends. I saw everyone spending time with God themselves, and when I tried to, it was so weird - so instead of saying words, I decided to play my guitar (softly) in a corner - and songs just flowed into my mind from memory, reminding me of how good God has been in my life. :)
pic credit to Carol :)
First Time
This camp was the first time I worship led in PKA - and also the first time in life where I played the guitar and sang at the same time. Back home, I did either one of it, not both. My youth friends who were song leaders could all song lead and play guitar at the same time, and I really admired that skill of theirs since young. I've always wanted to do that. For some time I struggled with the thought that I wanted to do it to show off my skills (which are pretty amateur actually). One day after attending a BE (Bible Exposition) meeting organized by PKA, a sudden surge of desire came to me to volunteer to worship lead for this camp. So before I started thinking too much about that desire, leading to the wrong motive of wanting to show off, I quickly volunteered to worship lead for one of the sessions. After that, I became skeptical of whether I could really pull this off, but my worship team - as well as other friends - again, encouraged me with their willingness to step in and serve, as well as reminding me that I'm not the one who supposed to pull this off, rather it is allowing myself to be used by God to facilitate others into worship. Before, during and after my session was over, many campers either came up to me personally or wrote notes to me to (again) encourage me about my song leading and told me that I did a good job, that I was talented, that I had a heart of serving. A friend and fellow camper told me yesterday that when she saw the way everyone encouraged me during and after my session, she was touched to tears. I think to myself again and again, what have I done? I remember playing wrong chords and the flow of songs could be improved. But hearing so many kind words, my energy spent thinking on the weaknesses was replaced just by saying thank you to everyone for their support.
Love letters <3
Personal Resolutions
Throughout the camp, my brothers and sisters in PKA were either telling me personally or writing notes to me saying that the Lord has made me beautiful, capable and talented, and that I should accept myself the way I am. The message that I should accept myself the way I am has been like a resounding chorus that many, many people have been trying to tell me since day one - my mom and dad, church members back home, even some people that I don't know personally that have talked to me. For years and years, I had a huge problem with self-acceptance. I always think that self-acceptance is a very selfish thing and I must always condemn myself to humble myself. Nice things should only come from the mouths of others. The problem is, (this is one area where I find being a thinker and having a lot of self-awareness helps) despite being in denial, deep down I wanted people to acknowledge me and notice me, and I fixate my thoughts and activities on how much people notice me. So, I talk about myself a lot and try to impress people, hoping people would get to know me and then say nice words in return, but when they don't, I tell myself that I didn't do enough to please them. This constant focus on pleasing others has ironically made me focus on myself even more...and negatively. No wonder people are driven away!
It's a very weird idea for me, even right now, to see that trying to impress people, though focusing on others, is a selfish, defensive act of trying to compensate for wanting to believe good things on myself. I heard before that it is spoken, love your neighbour as you love yourself. I stress over loving the neighbour part, but always wonder why I have really not much love for people in general. The messages that I received in camp brought me to the realization of the "love...as you love yourself" part. Thinking through it...if I don't love myself, or more specifically, always complain about how I am unlovable, unworthy and unable to do good things, how would I know to love other people genuinely? Ironically, self-acceptance seems to be the way to begin if I ever want to be less selfish and love others more. It's all still jumbled up in my head somewhat, but I'm thinking this through.
Being brought up in a Christian home, I heard the basic salvation message that Jesus died for my sins many, many times. I usually just accept it without giving it too much further thought. Yet, thinking about why this event is so significant, I stumbled on the thought that when He died for my sins, He actually took away all the condemnation that I bear due to the fact that I am not good enough, I always mess up, I fail to love others, etc. When it is said that there is no condemnation in Christ in the Bible, I actually struggle to understand and apply this verse in my life - because I condemn myself almost always for the smallest of things, giving me such a negative, pessimistic energy. If I am forgiven, then why does my heart, my conscience, always condemn me? Maybe I have spent my entire lifetime listening to half-truths and too easily personalize judgement that I hear as defining of who I am? This is one area that I want to intentionally work on this semester. A brother suggested to me in camp that I should spend five minutes everyday just looking into the mirror and telling myself, "I love you" and meaning it...perhaps I should try that out. I'm also currently accountable to some people about dealing with lies and baggage that has stunted me and making me unable to make myself useful and experience joy.
Another resolution I have made is to intentionally improve my relationships with some of my brothers and sisters in real life, by intentionally spending time with them face-to-face. The reasons vary - some I haven't talked to them much, some I only talk to online, and some relationships in need of restoration...by approaching them the way I am, without trying to please them or talk too much about myself to let them notice me, yet by spending time, allow them to see who I really am.
All in all, I really felt that the whole camp was ripe with the spirit of its theme verse:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Heb 10:24-25)
as well as this verse:
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess 5:11)
