Uni Life Diaries #1

Year Two, take one.

#1: Commuting to class

Picture mine, actually taken on the way to class.
Everyone's squeezing like sardines, both inside and outside the bus...
If there were less people,
some of them would probably stare at me because I'm taking pictures.
Journalism student in training, must brush up my skills mah. haha. 

Rush hours aren't limited to the big city streets. It also exists in USM, as everyone is still trying to get used to the new bus system. Buses and bus stops are filled to their limits, and walking to classes is more common in campus now - maybe a blessing in disguise for those who want to lose/maintain weight, but be prepared to wash your clothes more often as they get drenched in sweat more easily.

Honestly, I appreciate the fact that USM is taking the effort to try and improve the bus routing system to accommodate an increasing number of students as well as increase the turnaround times per bus (so that we won't have to wait too long to get on one). The buses that are used now are actually bigger and more comfortable (for the same rate per semester so far). For that I'm grateful.

I think those who planned the route have good intentions, but I'm a bit lost at the execution part, because it seems like the jam has actually increased compared to the previous year. The reason is most likely a combination of increased student intake, unfamiliarity with bus routes (so people wait at the wrong bus stations), as well as the lack of the number of buses to critical areas, such as the Padang Kawad bus stop (the RST complex undeniably has the biggest population of students because of its big capacity), Aman Damai (because physically disabled students are allocated places there, but so far a van has been allocated for that purpose so that's settled I guess), and the road that passes by the SOLLAT/HBP area (many people have classes/courses there as well as the DK D/E/F complex). No system is perfect, but surely it could use improvements...maybe I feel ''it'' more because I stay in Restu (which, even though relatively new and comfortable, is the furthest hostel from anywhere in USM) and have to experience ''the squeeze'' a few times per day. For the past few days, I have actually walked more so that I didn't need to wait until I can squeeze on the 5th bus that comes along after about half an hour (!). Many students have complained about the 3rd reason, but I don't think it's the only reason.

Since last year, I don't like having to be selfish on the bus route. To take someone else's seat on the bus, or block someone's way up, or having to squeeze against someone making them feel uncomfortable. (I don't like it done to me either, obviously.) But if I wanted to get to class on time by bus, I'd no choice but to do some of those things. Unless I come out about an hour before classes or before (imagine 8am class = wait for the bus at 7am) or walk. Normally, if I can't get on 3 buses, I would walk straight away. Those are the times where I wished I had a car. But then, cars contribute to the big street traffic jams, so...

Anyway, hoping for the day where there is no longer a need to squeeze like sardines in campus buses anymore. :)

#2: The weather
 It rains the whole day one day, and then a heat wave comes the next day. Very typical islandic weather, which means, (here's a tip) plan your laundry days as well as you can, because you wouldn't want to have a lack of clean clothes to wear.

But monsoon change can actually be kinda pretty, like these clouds descending on the mountains behind RST that I saw today morning: (the clouds in the sky are pretty too!)

It looks like a fluffy worm. Or is it just me?
This pic was taken with a proper camera,
hence the better quality compared to the bus one above
(which was taken on my mobile phone)
Clear skies are beautiful. :)

Another tip: Since the weather is so unpredictable here in Penang/USM, there are a few essentials that I would suggest you have to make traveling easier out of experience, which will be:
* this applies to any coastal area with tropical, infrequent rain/sunshine. So, the tips can be used outside USM. :)

Photo Credit: bark via Compfight cc

• Slippers/sandals with a good grip. Don't use old slippers/sandals where the pattern or ''groove'' at the base has disappeared due to prolonged friction, or risk slipping and getting yourself wet on rainy days (personally witnessed this many times + happened to me quite often also)

Photo Credit: * Cati Kaoe * via Compfight cc

• Umbrellas: The small, cheap, foldable kind of umbrella, although convenient, has a shelf life of about 4 months - a year at most over here (if you rarely use it) due to strong wind that will blow your umbrella inside out, breaking the metal frame. So unless you don't mind changing one every half a year, consider getting a bigger one, the kind you hold in your hand. Shade in the sun, protection in the rain. It's essential.
  * unless you tend to lose things easily like me, then have to settle for smaller one lo. Sad! I own two umbrellas now actually (one in use, one spare), my 6th and 7th ones since last year respectively, so I have an unofficial title: The Umbrella Wrecker now -.-

Photo Credit: Joe Shlabotnik via Compfight cc

• Sunblock/sun protection lotion for hot days, unless you want a more tanned complexion. It's not the beach, but still if you wish to maintain skin tone, sunblock helps.

Okay, that's all I can write for today. Off to lunch, then classes. Have a nice day :)

Reality: Snapshot #2 - True Friends, and Satisfaction

Photo Credit: *vlad*

What is real happiness?

Notice (26.8): I'm going to be moving this blog to a new address soon. If you have been following me for some time, the nature of my blog posts has taken a more personal, reflective turn (being true to personality FTW) and as I have rather detailed form 6 notes lying around this blog, I'll leave this blog for reference and the occasional article on learning/studies but open another address for future updates. Just felt the need for separating the personal from the studies stuff.

A(nother) five minute post-Camp Cam and holiday-end snapshot of life so far.
PS: Pics at end of post ;)

Photo Credit: Brandon Christopher Warren 

Snapshots of life come in different colours.

It's been a little more than a month since Camp Cameron ended, and pretty soon life's gonna start getting busy again. With Band Camp, classes starting (it has been said that the transition from freshman to sophomore year is a pretty big leap, and a hectic one at that), convocation - where many senior friends are going to graduate and move to the next stage in life, and juniors coming in (OMG I'm a senior already! Old already...haha!), life goes on. Everyday can't be a mountaintop experience.

When I came back from camp last month, everything seemed less than perfect. Family, church, life, friends - everything needed to be fixed because it wasn't ideal. Somewhat I had this superwoman mentality that everything must be changed (which is normally what happens when I get a 'high' from camps and stuff) and some people said that I became more judgmental, actually. But instead of everything changing for the better, it either remained the same, or I became lazy. I stopped reading my Bible daily like the first few days after camp. Worship stopped feeling personal and intimate - it felt routine again. Some bad habits and closet sins became worse than ever before. How quick it can be to forget the experiences that I had with God and with my camp family, if one never takes the trouble to remember! And once again, doubts about identity and self worth creep in in those dry, dreary days where the computer became my only companion or connection with the outside world.

There were events such as reunions with my camp family and also church camp (If you stumbled here by accident you'd probably wonder, wow, this girl goes for a lot of camps does she? Yeah, this holiday season, pretty much.) Those undeniably were good times with good fellowship, but most of the time when left alone with a computer, I start to doubt. There seemed to be pictures of almost everyone having a good time (i.e when you feel lonely, everyone seems to be having more fun). And then I start counting - the number of Whatsapp messages I received, the number of notifications on my Facebook feed, the number of friends in pictures I posted, the amount of time I hanged out with people. When others seemed to have more of those, I envied them. Surely their lives must be more fun and fulfilling than mine, I thought to myself. So at one particularly down day, I posted this:

The responses that I received were overwhelming. No, not in terms of quantity, but those that responded to me both publicly and privately chastised me for looking at the surface quantifiers of popularity as to determine whether one is truly happy or not, as well as for the envy that I had towards others. People who were genuinely well liked are so because they bless others, and I am guilty of seeing what they have and coveting it instead of blessing them/getting to know them as people.

Insecurity is a pretty lethal road block if you want to bless others and feel really happy, because you are never perfect enough, never happy enough, never satisfied, always lacking, always wanting. Discontentment...breeds contempt.

Photo Credit: h.koppdelaney

Alone doesn't have to mean lonely.

So it's alright to be eating alone in the cafeteria (trips me up everytime someone asks about that), it doesn't mean that I'm a loser.
It's okay if I log in to Facebook, Whatsapp or whatever and see nothing new, it doesn't mean that I have no social life.
It's okay if people who are around me are ''less fun''. They are not less fun . They are fun, and fun doesn't have to be only certain type of activities that aren't preferable for people with different personalities. And even with people of different personalities, they are not shallow or surface. They are people. Everyone is a unique creation of God. I am, too. And for that I am grateful.

More stuff I am grateful for:

Yoon Yi @ Georgetown! Pic is hers.
She's one of those few friends that I grew up with :)

The Asherite reunion @ Melaka, and the family there,
happy after their crepe cakes:)
this one was taken by Fongwan, btw.

More Asherite madness!
The pics above and below was taken at one of our outings by grandpa Jeremy :)

The last three are spoilers, bahaha! Had a small gathering at home yesterday. I am blessed to share a historical day with these folks. I admit I did envision a big fancy party and crowd but...again, quality over quantity. Besides, now I kinda have friends all over Malaysia (or getting there) :)

The family...

The childhood friends...

The childhood friends + my senior pastor & wife

Goodbye Puchong, hello second year. I welcome the challenges and the new experiences for the year ahead :)

Reality: Snapshot #1

Photo Credit: Khánh Hmoong

A five-minute post Camp Cameron snapshot on life so far.

Today, I messed up. I dilly-dallied and lazed around, didn't do my Bible reading like I wanted to, fell into a bad habit that I thought I got over with, felt envious of my friends who could drive, and then argued with my mom about the very same issue after that. I still feel this intense need to prove to my parents, and to everyone else, that I can, because I feel like I cannot and need their validation to 'prove' that I can. I don't feel like a transformed, victorious person in Christ at all, at least not today! I feel like giving up. I really do. After all, it's what I always do. When friends don't respond to invitations to makan together one, two times, I stop calling them together. I'd rather shop alone then to make plans with people who might not come along anyway. I'd rather be a hermit, under a shell, whatever you'd call it. I give up.

I give up. I'd rather not try than crash and burn again, in anything. I'd rather condemn myself beforehand than to actually fail.

Yet the God that I encountered in Camp Cameron was there the whole while even before that, asking me to look at Him:

Debra, though you may give up on yourself too easily, and though you always assume that everyone else has given up, too, I have never, and will never, give up on you.

All that self-condemning is a shield from people's condemnation, which most of the time exists in the realms of imagination anyway.

Deb, it's okay to feel pain, it's okay to hurt, but don't give up so fast-lah! There's so much in life that might be missed out if everything also give up so easily.

I will hold on.

Photo Credit: Neil Krug, text mine

ps. more on Camp Cam, and other happenings in June/July, soon :)

It's Time To Face The Finals...?

Last semester, most of my exam papers fell on Tuesdays too...talk about an exam day.
Pic mine

So, the finals start next week.

There's actually one more exam to the list above on the 13th, but it's a small group exam so it's not listed here. 6 papers in total. And I am studying for them alright, just that I zone out after 1/2 hour or longest is 1 hour...in my room, I would be the most distracted. There's a bed, and there's Internet access. No excuse, though. Still need to study.

This semester, I generally slacked off more than the last one. The last semester, I bought/photo-stated almost all textbooks, went for most classes, didn't skip any, seriously studied despite the Christmas season for finals and generally didn't go out much. Even with friendship dilemmas, the Jazz Band Concert and trying-to-adjust-to-new-university-life thing going on, I was blessed (I dare not say that I deserve it, because I didn't do 100% of my best) with a CGPA enough to earn a Dean's List award.

1st year Dean Listers in Comm School.
Pic by Wen Wen, my coursemate :)

This semester, things were different. For starters. there was more coursework than exams, so there was a lot of working in groups. I usually try to have a good work attitude/ethic, but I admit that slacked off (should have learned how to simultaneously handle two or more deadlines at the same time, something I haven't learnt to do). As long as the deadline wasn't next week, I procrastinated, and many of my assignments were handed in just in time, where I slogged through the few nights before deadlines. This will definitely affect the quality of the work done - most of the coursework I received back were all average (B/B+) in contrast to last semester (A/A-) grades.

As time passed, the amount of activities that came my way increased in duration as well as responsibilities, making me make the choice to choose between them (which I don't like to do, because I don't like disappointing people - pretty much a yes girl) before I run out of breath. If not, next year I'd be gasping for air...I had fun doing said activities though, so it's not a bad thing. Just that my focus has to come back to hitting the books and studying first before everything else.

I started not going to several mass-handled classes (students in the thousands because it's a compulsory course), and also some classes that started at 8 a.m.(woke up late). It's a good thing that for my core subjects, I still managed to attended most classes and get all the notes. But, it's a deterioration of determination from last semester. Somehow, even though I still enjoy what I study, this semester I didn't feel like studying as much.

I do not blame anyone else but myself for my lower expectations, letting myself off guard, and laziness/loss of drive this semester. For the finals, I'm roughing it out and trying my best, but basically there's not too much I can do when coursework determined the bulk of my grade this semester. There are a lot of lessons that I can learn from everything that happened in the previous year, and lots of memories as well - that's material for the next post, after finals are over. Until then, see you, and all the best for the finals (for USMers and other college/uni kids having finals)

Encouraged

Family Photo! pic credit to Nic :)

...is how I would describe my experience in PKA USM Family Camp 2013.

(For those not from USM reading this, PKA = Persaudaraan Kristian Agape, it is one of the Christian fellowships in USM that I joined.)

I've never blogged about events that I went to before, but I do really want to share my experience and what I have learned from camp.

The biggest aspect that made this camp experience very special for me is the family fellowship. The 'human connection' element in the camp, made very possible by the events planned by the committee as well as the conducive-ness of the place we went to (quiet beach resort) is what made me feel a sense of belonging. I seldom experience this in life to be frank, mostly because I shy away from people in general, but I was really happy to be able to talk to people comfortably, just like how I would talk to my own physical family and childhood friends back home. I admit, I was still really guarded in general throughout camp, but there were instances where the guards came down and genuine connection happened between the campers. Here are some of those experiences that I mean:

pic credit to Wai Quan :)

Team Ranger

On the first day of camp, without warning, I was assigned to lead this team. What, me, lead? I thought - and for the next few hours, I actually freaked out and shut myself out from talking to people because of it, because I believed that I could not do it well. In my mind, I was too introverted and didn't have the passion needed to do do. But my group members - some who were exuberant and lively, while some were rational and thoughtful - were so dedicated, supportive, and constantly uplifted and encouraged me when I didn't know the right words to say or the right things to do. During the games as well as when planning our team cheer, everyone was so sporting and joined everything - making me feel, well, encouraged :) We spent a lot of time sharing, and all, yes all of the members shared from their hearts and experiences, understanding where everyone comes from. I was able to see different sides of people that previously I only knew superficially. We even had an impromptu sharing session after the 3rd service - it was initiated by the members themselves instead of it being a 'must-do' activity. Benedict, my assistant in the team, suggested that we do this activity, codenamed "M.U.S" - short for Moral Uplifting Society, where everyone takes turns to say positive things about each other, one person at a time. It was an eye-opening experience to how much encouragement was offered during the session, and it wasn't just superficial comments - they all were deep and well-thought out. Really enjoyed the camaraderie that developed within this team :) Go Rangers!

pic credit to Alison :)

Not Your Typical "Church" Camp

Now don't get me wrong - I enjoy church camps, especially back home! But this camp was refreshing in its execution of activities. The speaker conducted the preaching not so much like preaching - throughout the four sessions, he shared so much from his own life experiences, and even when he shared extensively from Scriptures, it was shared in a way that I didn't feel like it was 'preaching' but more of we all being in one big group where he was sharing and again, encouraging us to enter into the joy of knowing God through knowing God's Word. The devotions were taken quite seriously every morning - the dynamics of my team made every session become reflections on how we should live out our daily lives. There were also prayer stations that we prayed for every morning, on our own - something I wasn't used to, but an interesting experience. There were stations such as thanksgiving, praying for each other's needs, praying for our own needs, praying for the CF, praying for our blood family and other's blood families, and praying for our friends. I saw everyone spending time with God themselves, and when I tried to, it was so weird - so instead of saying words, I decided to play my guitar (softly) in a corner - and songs just flowed into my mind from memory, reminding me of how good God has been in my life. :)

pic credit to Carol :)

First Time

This camp was the first time I worship led in PKA - and also the first time in life where I played the guitar and sang at the same time. Back home, I did either one of it, not both. My youth friends who were song leaders could all song lead and play guitar at the same time, and I really admired that skill of theirs since young. I've always wanted to do that. For some time I struggled with the thought that I wanted to do it to show off my skills (which are pretty amateur actually). One day after attending a BE (Bible Exposition) meeting organized by PKA, a sudden surge of desire came to me to volunteer to worship lead for this camp. So before I started thinking too much about that desire, leading to the wrong motive of wanting to show off, I quickly volunteered to worship lead for one of the sessions. After that, I became skeptical of whether I could really pull this off, but my worship team - as well as other friends - again, encouraged me with their willingness to step in and serve, as well as reminding me that I'm not the one who supposed to pull this off, rather it is allowing myself to be used by God to facilitate others into worship. Before, during and after my session was over, many campers either came up to me personally or wrote notes to me to (again) encourage me about my song leading and told me that I did a good job, that I was talented, that I had a heart of serving. A friend and fellow camper told me yesterday that when she saw the way everyone encouraged me during and after my session, she was touched to tears. I think to myself again and again, what have I done? I remember playing wrong chords and the flow of songs could be improved. But hearing so many kind words, my energy spent thinking on the weaknesses was replaced just by saying thank you to everyone for their support.

Love letters <3

Personal Resolutions

Throughout the camp, my brothers and sisters in PKA were either telling me personally or writing notes to me saying that the Lord has made me beautiful, capable and talented, and that I should accept myself the way I am. The message that I should accept myself the way I am has been like a resounding chorus that many, many people have been trying to tell me since day one - my mom and dad, church members back home, even some people that I don't know personally that have talked to me. For years and years, I had a huge problem with self-acceptance. I always think that self-acceptance is a very selfish thing and I must always condemn myself to humble myself. Nice things should only come from the mouths of others. The problem is, (this is one area where I find being a thinker and having a lot of self-awareness helps) despite being in denial, deep down I wanted people to acknowledge me and notice me, and I fixate my thoughts and activities on how much people notice me. So, I talk about myself a lot and try to impress people, hoping people would get to know me and then say nice words in return, but when they don't, I tell myself that I didn't do enough to please them. This constant focus on pleasing others has ironically made me focus on myself even more...and negatively. No wonder people are driven away! 

It's a very weird idea for me, even right now, to see that trying to impress people, though focusing on others, is a selfish, defensive act of trying to compensate for wanting to believe good things on myself. I heard before that it is spoken, love your neighbour as you love yourself. I stress over loving the neighbour part, but always wonder why I have really not much love for people in general. The messages that I received in camp brought me to the realization of the "love...as you love yourself" part. Thinking through it...if I don't love myself, or more specifically, always complain about how I am unlovable, unworthy and unable to do good things, how would I know to love other people genuinely? Ironically, self-acceptance seems to be the way to begin if I ever want to be less selfish and love others more. It's all still jumbled up in my head somewhat, but I'm thinking this through.

Being brought up in a Christian home, I heard the basic salvation message that Jesus died for my sins many, many times. I usually just accept it without giving it too much further thought. Yet, thinking about why this event is so significant, I stumbled on the thought that when He died for my sins, He actually took away all the condemnation that I bear due to the fact that I am not good enough, I always mess up, I fail to love others, etc. When it is said that there is no condemnation in Christ in the Bible, I actually struggle to understand and apply this verse in my life - because I condemn myself almost always for the smallest of things, giving me such a negative, pessimistic energy. If I am forgiven, then why does my heart, my conscience, always condemn me? Maybe I have spent my entire lifetime listening to half-truths and too easily personalize judgement that I hear as defining of who I am? This is one area that I want to intentionally work on this semester. A brother suggested to me in camp that I should spend five minutes everyday just looking into the mirror and telling myself, "I love you" and meaning it...perhaps I should try that out. I'm also currently accountable to some people about dealing with lies and baggage that has stunted me and making me unable to make myself useful and experience joy.

Another resolution I have made is to intentionally improve my relationships with some of my brothers and sisters in real life, by intentionally spending time with them face-to-face. The reasons vary - some I haven't talked to them much, some I only talk to online, and some relationships in need of restoration...by approaching them the way I am, without trying to please them or talk too much about myself to let them notice me, yet by spending time, allow them to see who I really am.

All in all, I really felt that the whole camp was ripe with the spirit of its theme verse: 

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Heb 10:24-25)

as well as this verse:

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thess 5:11)

Twenty Thirteen Resolutions :)

Beautiful Penang Bridge view from Chew Jetty is the backdrop of this poster...

the stuff that comes out when one fools around with Photoshop :)

It's 2013 which means:

2012 and its bittersweet memories are things of the past. Nice to ponder and reflect on, but already history. Which means that it's moving on time.

I'm turning 21 this year. Funny how I looked forward to turning 21 for ages when I was a teenager but once it comes, I don't want to grow anymore... Peter Pan syndrome at work here. But hey, life goes on so it's gonna be a journey of growth this year. Technically though, I'm still 'underage' until August so...haha, here's to enjoying the remaining 8 months of non-adulthood while it lasts ;) But most importantly...

...time for New Years' resolutions! I'll follow up on Resolutions 2012 in a following post but now, I shall reveal the four stuff I'm gonna attempt to do this year, as well as the steps that I'm going about to achieve it.

Resolution #1 for 2013: follow the One Year Bible (OYB) reading plan betul-betul this year. From Genesis to Revelation!

Last year, my dad kick-started this plan of reading the entire Bible in a year in our church. A faithful crowd of about 10 joined in and emailed, discussed, delved into every portion of God's word. As his daughter, I tried to follow...but there were stretches where laziness and forgetfulness got the better hand and I stopped reading. This year, I'm going to try again.

Relationships are important to me and I chose this resolution to improve my Relationship of relationships - the one with my Father in heaven. I seek to encounter God this year and make Him even more real in my life,  even as He has reached out to me through people, through words that were given to me, and through life's experiences. This is just a small thing that I can do, to be willful and disciplined into putting effort into knowing Him. :)

Practical stuff: I'm going to journal my readings in 750words or in written journals (on days there is no Internet connection) and reflect on them weekly to my mentor(s) and friends when applicable. And contribute to the NCA OYB email group as well from time to time (if there is insight to share).

pic taken by Hartwig HKD

Resolution #2 for 2013: become more involved in people's lives and think about them more often rather than focusing on myself.

First practical move: I'm not going to advertise my blog posts on Facebook anymore after today's post, unless it involves subjects of public interest (such as study notes or current issues). I'll just tell friends that the blog is updated and they can read it whenever they are free :)

Anyway. I use too much ''I'' in conversations, in my thoughts, and in relating to others (i.e what can others do for me?). This year, even though it's hard, I'm going to slowly include other people in my thoughts as well, not thoughts about how to please them but about how to reach out to them, make them feel better, and enhance the relationship between us. I want to reach a level where others are on my mind more often than myself and all my needs. It's very hard to do, given the human nature of being selfish, but I want to do it because I know that life comes from giving to others.

My own needs? I will honestly acknowledge them but try to get over them as soon as possible. As for worries and thoughts about the future, I will commit them to God whenever they pop up. This resolution is a very big step ahead, but the rewards of loving are great, and I want my life to count for something and matter in the long run.

Practical stuff: In addition to reading the Bible, I will pray about my needs and known needs of others. And then during the day, when I relate to the people around me, as unnatural as it feels now I will try to ask questions about them more than talk about myself so that I can know what is going on in other people's lives. In the beginning stages I might not ask much because I know not much, so I'm not going to feign interest, but let it develop as time passes by.

Diving pic by Hani Amir; mike pic by Darwin Bell; bike pic by Kivanc Nis;
bass pic by Chang Liu and car pic by Zitona.
Pictures not altered in any way in the compilation of this collage.

Resolution #3 for 2013: learn swimming, cycling, playing the bass guitar and (maybe) singing, and be able to drive confidently.

These activities are either skills that I have yet to master or things that I have gave up halfway. While I am still in my prime and in a place where opportunity abounds, I wish to improve my skills on these and become a more well-rounded person. But in the past year I've been quite passive in developing these skills. Which means that I need to ask around a lot to find people who can teach me stuff.

Practical stuff: Ask around a lot until I find tutors for these. Driving - find a refresher class in Penang for my 2nd semester here.

pic by Thomas Hawk

Resolution #4 for 2013: take a picture a day and journal about it.

The whole point of this resolution can be summarized in a word: Memories.

Memories to keep, to cherish, to hold. If a moment isn't captured, it's going to be forgotten. Life is short, so it needs to be lived well. And by looking back at each day, I am reminded, refreshed, and energized for the next day.

Practical stuff: Joined the 365 project. My pics are going to be updated on the blog - check out the 365/2013 page link at the left hand side of the blog - and occasionally on Twitter as well :)

I've added a 5th recently, it speaks for itself:

Before this, I'd avoid guys. Because I didn't know how to talk to them. If a guy was nicer than usual to me, especially in my teen years, I'd develop crushes easily. Now, I desire mature friendships. As for the whole dating/boyfriend/future husband thing...that'll be another post all together.

Good Things Are Happening

picture by Jason Samfield

"Long time no post already" is a cliche statement that I use too often to justify the days where there was time, but I was too lazy and/or emo to post anything. (Ironic, since people normally blog when they are emo, kan.)

Anyway, before I get distracted again...

The above statement was spoken by a mentor of mine when I called her up and told her about the things that were happening during the first two months that I was in USM. Yes, assignments started taking a turn for more, practices for Jazz Band were amped up as the concert was approaching (I was still supposed to be playing for the concert then) and there are still so many new things that I am trying to get adjusted to, but new friends have enriched my life like no other has done before, and I was exploring so many new opportunities. I felt good.

Just weeks later, it felt like I stumbled across multiple rocky paths. The patterns beneath my proverbial shoes are wearing out as I was faced with decisions that had to be made. I knew that the way certain things were going on then, if I let them carry on the way it is, will lead me to emotional ruin as I give in to certain things. Now if it seems like I'm going in circles here, it is because I need to keep the details of certain things confidential to myself, God and a few trusted friends. But what I can share, and what I hope you, my reader, can see, is that good things can happen even when they don't seem like good things.

I've always had the need to be desired by people I love, the desire to be noticed for what I do, struggles that involved putting a few people on pedestals and where in the past I used to let them fester sometimes to the point of obsession; and always needing continuous reassurance of my worth. In a nutshell, my biggest thorn in the flesh is insecurity - probably implied that here like a million times already. But God is patient with me, and right now I'm on the road of healing and growth.

After 9 years of pedestal-putting, I did what was never done before - stopped a potential case in its tracks, cold turkey. They say confession is good for the soul, and honesty stopped yet another vicious cycle from happening and saved me from going down 'that lane' again, but honesty brings inevitable hurt, where false dreams and hopes needed to be torn down and burned. They brought temporary happiness, but it was illusory. 

Where the desire for glory reared its persistent yet ugly head as I discovered music, I decided to choose roles where I was vital and that I liked, yet in the background - because I knew I wanted the spotlight so badly that things would turn ugly should the light really shine on me - or someone else, that which is usually the case - and then I get all envious and tensed up and then I cannot sincerely appreciate the other person because of feelings of inferiority.

When I learned that as a suspected aspie, I am wired differently from other people in a significant way, and all of a sudden it feels like social disability - where I need to be shown that no, it doesn't affect what I was meant to do, just the how of going about it.

When decisions are put up like multiple platters on a menu and presented in front of me, and time is ticking, I had to decide. As I reflect on decisions that I've made recently, I felt peace that they were indeed the right things to do, but the right things are hard things, and I find myself every now and then pining and poring over whether I should have made those choices in the first place because the aftermath isn't what I feel like it.

But despite all this, I find that in times where there is no false hope that can be put in people or things, is where I run to God and just let Him heal my wounds, and in the whole process I grow, and learn.

I rest in the fact that God indeed refines those he loves, and when removed from the fire one is purer than before, having all impurities burned away before that. The hurt I experience in making decisions is what would make me bloom like a flower in the spring after the winter, and from a girl, becoming a woman; from a shallow idealist, to a genuine yet positive realist; from hopelessly insecure and inhibited to the rain dancer that rejoices in the fact that she is indeed loved, and loved deeply indeed. 

picture by Shanon Wise

Just so you know, that's why I changed the name of the blog. To reflect this very journey of healing and growth.

And I can say with confidence that good things are indeed happening to me right now.

:)

Expectations

picture by Pink Sherbet Photography

Have you ever felt empty?

Most of the time I bet you wouldn't. In fact, life is moving - and it's moving pretty fast, pretty furious. Life, is good.

But there are those times where everything just stood still. There's this sci-fic movie called "The Day The Earth Stood Still" some years back right? Ah. Random thought there.

Anyway.

Just had one of these kind of days today. I woke up drowsily from a bad bout of common cold, and it was a lazy day as classes were mostly cancelled. Broke my fast from Facebook and looked at all the notifications (about 40 of them) and just browsed. Nice pictures...funny statuses. But they all seemed lifeless where there once was a sense of connecting. It's like it finally dawned upon me that Facebook connections are so surreal. Where's the real sense of fellowship? Is anyone listening, and am I really reaching out? Barely. Perhaps the fast has actually knocked some sense into me.

I've been having some dilemmas recently that made me reflect for the past 3 days. 

Firstly, there's this heightened feeling of detachment from reality that haunts me. In reality, I know that many people love me and care for me, but when I'm in my room all alone and everyone's out and about, and even when I'm in a hall full of people and all around me are the sounds of chattering and merry making - I feel an aching sense of loneliness. Maybe I miss home, maybe I should just talk to someone. Recently posted on Facebook that I missed the feeling of hugging someone, and got all sorts of responses from friends. But all this cannot heal the hurt that surfaces itself every now and then. It could be the fact that there's this very recent revelation about the way I'm wired - which until today I'm still trying to accept and define myself by (There are people that I've told about this. Thank God for loving sisters and brothers that are there - surely God's way of comforting me in a supposed storm) 

Then, there's someone that I've been really liking for a while now (again, some people close to me know more about this but I won't talk too much about it here), but somehow I just know this is yet another case of infatuation - mainly because it's not the first time I've fallen for someone with that similar set of characteristics, and through an aching yet confirming sense of intuition as well as my observations from real life, I know it is yet another 'tak jadi' case - at least for now maybe - but who am I trying to kid. Even this kind of so called 'youthful wonder' feelings can slowly hurt me inside as hopes and dreams are dashed with reality. Oh, how nice is the feeling of being reassured, loved, and paid attention to...even if it only exists in my heightened imagination! I tell myself that I must forget, I must move on...but honestly it's really hard to get over it. What is a small thing for most people is a big deal for me, because all this while I struggle to be wanted by other people. Badly. And that is dangerous.

My assignments are catching up with me. Reading the textbooks are still okay but I wonder how on earth am I supposed to remember all that...and translate it into Malay, which while I respect and acknowledge as important to learn as a language, still baffles me until today. (Maybe I should write my next blog post in BM or Mandarin to train myself. Haha...)

Okay, since I'm losing the mood to write for now, I'm going to let this sit for a bit. Thank God for times of reflection. Right now I'm going to do what I'm supposed to be doing - continuing in activities that were planned for today. Meanwhile, for the weekend I'm going to take a real break (no distractions from above 3 categories) by listening, receiving and pouring out my heart to God at camp. And to brainstorm for stuff to write for the CF newsletter. And the two presentations next week. Taking a break now. Ciao :)

The Belle At The Ball: Dialogue on Insecurity

picture by Paolo Marconi

I'd always admire the belle at the ball.

It would be really nice if there were modern day balls, just like the ones that we hear about in fairy tales. The beautiful girl in the gown coming down the stairs with the most elegant thing that night, with all heads turned in her direction.

Then there was internal conversation.

Q: Ah, so this is what this is about, Deb? You want people to notice you. Again. And again. I wonder my dear, what is so wonderful about it anyway?

A: Uh, well, when you're a die hard introvert, and shy, but at the same time kinda vain, you'd want to break out of the 'nobody knows my name' syndrome that you think has plagued you for the past, uh, 20 years. Let the whole wide world know who you are.

Q: So okay, let's assume one day the whole wide world really knows who you are. Then what?

A: Then...I'd be happy. No need to worry what to say at parties anymore - everyone loves me already?

Q: Didn't you hear the saying "What good is there to gain the whole world but to lose your soul" before?

A: Hmm...but it's really awesome to be popular and liked for once!

Q: Then again, look at the way you go about doing it. You try too hard to make small talk that means nothing to you and act all cheesy like you're someone you're not. Isn't that hard work? Besides, even with a giggly posse with you (since that's what you want somehow), you're envious every time you see someone prettier, smarter, taking the attention away from you (apparently), etc. Doesn't it give you so much heartache, so much pressure, all self-afflicted? Sucks to be you. You're so insecure all the time.

A: I know, I know! But I'm still struggling. I can't shake the thought of wanting people to notice me there. It's like I feel so abnormal.

Q: Can't be happy in your own skin my dear? How sad. Why can't you just let loose? Let people know what are your favorite things, what makes you sing, act goofy for a change. Poke people, hug them (girls), share your life story with them, don't be too worried about burping and yawning (you think that makes you less ladylike so you do it discreetly all the time) You take too much care to present a picture perfect portrait of yourself in front there, so much so that people can't relate. Where is your human side? Do you want to get stuck in this rut forever?

A: Give me a guitar, my Bible, a journal and a week's fast from Facebook. I need to reflect and pray about this.

Meanwhile, to finish up the ball story...

Everyone sure did look at her...maybe for like 5 seconds? And then they went back to their own worlds. Besides the occasional compliment that she receives on her dress, everyone's dancing with their own partners and socializing with their own friends.

But then, the princess catches the attention of one.

Her prince. He is enraptured by not just her physical beauty - he wants her. To dance with, to spend time with, to sip drinks under the moonlight with. And she doesn't need anyone else's gaze to be happy.

picture by Stewart Baird

Hmm. How romantic. Are you talking about your future significant other? Maybe...but even his gaze would be sometimes averted. He's only human, so even though he'd try his very best, there will still be times where the girl at the stairs gets ignored -

(digression) since we're at the topic...I give you this? written two years ago, haha. I have some updated criteria though, will cerita soon ;D (end of digression)

At the end of my FB fast, I'll write down the ending to the story. And what I have learned about overcoming my insecurity. :)

USM: The First Two Weeks

pic by SamikRC

How's life in USM, you ask? To be frank, most of the time I feel like this:


My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone up there will find me
'til then I walk alone

- Green Day, Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Okay, maybe not that emo as the rest of the song suggests, but I literally most of the time go places alone, because everyone has different schedules and things to do (which I'm trying to get used to). but I admit I feel lonely even in the midst of lots of people. It's not that I have no new friends or acquaintances - met many people during orientation week & have friends to hang out with, inviting me to events and places, but everything is still unfamiliar. As nice as Penang gets, my heart is basically still in Puchong & Sri Petaling.

I lost my bearings for a bit - 2 weeks of routine overhaul is a lot of stimuli for me to adjust to and the fact that I'm somewhat introverted - a trait I'm still struggling to accept - makes me rummage through all the activities and times to redefine myself.

A change of spoken language daily - one of my senior friends mentioned that my spoken English now has a Chinese slang, thanks to speaking Mandarin 90% of the time I'm here (I'm not implying it's bad - in fact I need the practice before I forget the language back in Puchong) while at home it was 90% English. I lost count of how many times I told some new friend that I speak Mandarin (to make them feel more comfortable when talking to me) which usually catches people by surprise, haha. Made friends from other races as well in the Pimpin Siswa camp but still need to make more as to balance my friend base :D And what about my Indian side? It needs some serious stimulation. I want to be a Chindian, not just a Chinese - to be true to my roots. (Maybe I should take up Tamil?)

Two weeks of no church and I slightly waver in my faith stand - I used to be super involved with er, almost everything at church back home and knowing almost everyone from the kiddies to the senior citizens in church (20 years there), and now I'm a visitor to new churches and even singing familiar songs weird - it's just too new an experience here. The seniors are very nice though and pretty much trying their best to make us (the first years) welcome here (Thanks!) I find myself contemplating the internal questions Do you need familiarity, hype, and people to worship God? Can't you be yourself? countless times.

Studies? With assignments already given during the first week, I wonder how to cope. I used to be a last minute adrenaline rush study type but I don't think that will work well here. Already changed subjects 3 times because some subjects not offered yet la, can't take la... bureaucracy makes me pening kepala sometimes haha. And the textbooks are even thicker than the form 6 ones, they're mostly in English but most exams are in Malay (looks like I have to take a translation course too lol) and lastly finances - need to keep track. Period. Money is limited to allowance again, unlike the past few months where I had the harvest of working part time with excess.

Well, I'm learning to cope with this new life and I hope to settle better soon :) Pics and more actual experiences in the next post...

Pre-U(ni) Part V: September Is Coming

picture by Gilderic Photography

These days nostalagia seems to get the better of me.

When I wake up every morning and go to sleep each night, I feel more appreciative of my bed, its fluffy pillows, and the bolster that I hug all the time. To think that I'm moving to possibly hard mattresses and a lack of belonging (tons of people have slept on hostel beds before...), with rumors of bugs like these crawling about...

So comfortable...picture by somethingstartedcrazy

When I go to familiar places, realizing that I'm only coming back every once in a while and that being a fastly developing town, many things in Puchong will change...hopefully can still find my way around next time...

When I meet familiar faces and scenarios, knowing that what used to be getting together often becomes more scarce, and meaningful, as well as the lingering question of whether we'll all still keep in touch after that.

Friends come in all colours and faces...picture by Neal Fowler

When knowing that a bunny's lifespan is about 8-10 years and Poofy is already 8 this year...everytime I come home I'm not sure whether he will be still there hopping and begging around. I sure hope he's a teenage   bunny :)

Poofy :D (pic by me)

When even the nicest food in food paradise will still make me miss grandma's chicken paratel and dhal curry...what about Grandma herself? How will she be? I think I just might miss the seemingly mundane things that I normally ignore or take for granted: Grandma's singing every morning, Mom's advice and her being funny, my sis just being...my sis, and maybe even my dad's lectures (!)

I'm afraid of my independence - can I pull it off? Can I become a healthier, more fit person with less flab and more stamina (not to mention better eating...food is a weakness, yikes!), make lots of great friends (both girls and guys), develop relationships that are beyond surface level, learn not just to pass exams (and understand why I'm getting an education in the first place), and learn something out of all this?

September is coming...picture by Masaaki Miyara

As the days draw near, tips and information from the school (and the seniors) increase, stuff on my shopping list are ticked and time spent in this place I called home is mere days, sometimes I want to stay here, where everything is familiar. Funny that I used to feel slightly envious of people leaving for far away - they have farewells and get-togethers for them, but right now I think I know why (they need all the support they can get as they're making a big leap in life)

But I think communal bathrooms, staying with people from all over the country and living independently now is part of God's training of me, to become mature and prepared for the challenging world of adulthood. I don't think I can sleep much this September, but this life is dynamic and I'm prepared to live it. :)

Life is a journey...picture by joeri-c

To all friends and readers who are leaving for your respective unis next month, all the best in uni life guys! Let's all take a deep breath and then plunge into this next major chapter of our lives. :)

Pre-U(ni) Part IV: Results :)

pic by Johnny Vulkan

These past few months, and especially the past few days, were rather impatient 'twilight zones' where all I did was basically wait...and wait...and wait somemore until geram already. Impatience is a real pain in the neck, I would say. And loved ones were asking and hoping with me.

Then on last Friday, the 13th, it came out. Rather unexpectedly, as I only knew the date a day before that. (Also good as there wasn't too agonizing a wait there.)

And in the end, God gave me my 1st choice. Mass Comm in USM, Penang, which is a 5-hour bus ride from home. Registration is on the 1st of September so I'll be leaving KL about 1-3 days before that, so 25th and 26th August would be the last weekend here.

Many of my fellow form 6-ers from SMKP also got into various unis across Malaysia, with a significant number of them crossing the peninsula to Sabah and Sarawak. They probably could have mini-gatherings there. But I really hope we can all meet up before migrating to the different states in the country. I'm still spamming FB for the results of my old friends from SMKPBP.


As much as I'd think that this was smart planning on my side or that I somehow managed to impress the lecturer, I sincerely believe that God willed this university to be the best place where I can grow and learn for the next 4 years.

I still am coming to grips with the fact that I have been given a place far enough for me to be independent like I've always wanted as well as develop my principles as a person apart from upbringing, but close enough for accountability by loved ones and getting to know new friends and acquaintances. Not to mention the green campus, which I like so far and got a glimpse of during my interview there and the food. Ah, food. Mostly cheap and good. Better practice being athletic and in shape from now on before gaining another 10 pounds like everyone warned, haha :D

So the academic schedule for the next year, taken from here, is as below: (click to enlarge)

The preparation stage has thus begun. And I'm gonna move out of the house for like, 4 years? Even with breaks it still feels like a lifetime. And  I have never left home for more than a week tops before. This is going to take some serious getting used to. There are like a 101 questions in my head even as I am writing this.


**********

Random intermission: Pics of Penang from the web! (I will take my own pics once I'm there :))

The uni...

USM Entrance, Sg. Dua. Pic from here.

Penang bridge: Day/Night

pic by Dennis Yu

pic by IRRI Images

Food :)

pic by Vincent Yong

Hawker fare - pic by Hector Hurtado

Beach~

pic by Schristia

**********


The more important concerns that I have are relating to my studies, socializing, and my faith.

Studies: My STPM results were a wake up call that once SPM is over, so are the so-called easy As, spot questions, tips and etc. And now we study because we want to, not because it is compulsory. I can choose to skip class and take it easy, or overstress myself with assignments, or through trial-and-error experiences come up with a way to balance studying and playing time (which is easier said than done)

Socializing: Tough one for me. So far I've been slow in this area...afraid of making new friends due to fear of rejection. Time to embrace my inner introvert and stop trying to please everyone, instead focus on one at a time. And forget about jaga muka and all that. Note to self: Please eat humble pie. If I can make friends well then the next 4 years are going to be awesome. So many interesting people :D

Faith: This one is also tough in the sense that I'm on my own and need to ask myself hard questions about what is it that I actually believe. No more going to church because my parents are elders - it's my choice now. And will I find mentors there just like I have here? Can I acknowledge and grow stronger in my faith? This requires a lot of thorough soul searching...

Part V (coming soon) will be the last part in this series, and will be a telling of the specific preparations to be made before I leave. This is a lot to digest, lol.

PS. If you came across this blog and are were also accepted to USM this year, leave a comment! :) Good to know who our uni-mates, coursemates will be...as well as prepare for the next 4 years together.