Good Things Are Happening

picture by Jason Samfield

"Long time no post already" is a cliche statement that I use too often to justify the days where there was time, but I was too lazy and/or emo to post anything. (Ironic, since people normally blog when they are emo, kan.)

Anyway, before I get distracted again...

The above statement was spoken by a mentor of mine when I called her up and told her about the things that were happening during the first two months that I was in USM. Yes, assignments started taking a turn for more, practices for Jazz Band were amped up as the concert was approaching (I was still supposed to be playing for the concert then) and there are still so many new things that I am trying to get adjusted to, but new friends have enriched my life like no other has done before, and I was exploring so many new opportunities. I felt good.

Just weeks later, it felt like I stumbled across multiple rocky paths. The patterns beneath my proverbial shoes are wearing out as I was faced with decisions that had to be made. I knew that the way certain things were going on then, if I let them carry on the way it is, will lead me to emotional ruin as I give in to certain things. Now if it seems like I'm going in circles here, it is because I need to keep the details of certain things confidential to myself, God and a few trusted friends. But what I can share, and what I hope you, my reader, can see, is that good things can happen even when they don't seem like good things.

I've always had the need to be desired by people I love, the desire to be noticed for what I do, struggles that involved putting a few people on pedestals and where in the past I used to let them fester sometimes to the point of obsession; and always needing continuous reassurance of my worth. In a nutshell, my biggest thorn in the flesh is insecurity - probably implied that here like a million times already. But God is patient with me, and right now I'm on the road of healing and growth.

After 9 years of pedestal-putting, I did what was never done before - stopped a potential case in its tracks, cold turkey. They say confession is good for the soul, and honesty stopped yet another vicious cycle from happening and saved me from going down 'that lane' again, but honesty brings inevitable hurt, where false dreams and hopes needed to be torn down and burned. They brought temporary happiness, but it was illusory. 

Where the desire for glory reared its persistent yet ugly head as I discovered music, I decided to choose roles where I was vital and that I liked, yet in the background - because I knew I wanted the spotlight so badly that things would turn ugly should the light really shine on me - or someone else, that which is usually the case - and then I get all envious and tensed up and then I cannot sincerely appreciate the other person because of feelings of inferiority.

When I learned that as a suspected aspie, I am wired differently from other people in a significant way, and all of a sudden it feels like social disability - where I need to be shown that no, it doesn't affect what I was meant to do, just the how of going about it.

When decisions are put up like multiple platters on a menu and presented in front of me, and time is ticking, I had to decide. As I reflect on decisions that I've made recently, I felt peace that they were indeed the right things to do, but the right things are hard things, and I find myself every now and then pining and poring over whether I should have made those choices in the first place because the aftermath isn't what I feel like it.

But despite all this, I find that in times where there is no false hope that can be put in people or things, is where I run to God and just let Him heal my wounds, and in the whole process I grow, and learn.

I rest in the fact that God indeed refines those he loves, and when removed from the fire one is purer than before, having all impurities burned away before that. The hurt I experience in making decisions is what would make me bloom like a flower in the spring after the winter, and from a girl, becoming a woman; from a shallow idealist, to a genuine yet positive realist; from hopelessly insecure and inhibited to the rain dancer that rejoices in the fact that she is indeed loved, and loved deeply indeed. 

picture by Shanon Wise

Just so you know, that's why I changed the name of the blog. To reflect this very journey of healing and growth.

And I can say with confidence that good things are indeed happening to me right now.

:)