The Guy I'm Looking For

picture by aracelota

"What criteria would you like to see in your future husband?"

It all started when this question was asked casually of me in a camp that I've attended two months ago. Ever since then, a few people have asked me similar questions. Though right now I'm single (and learning how to be contently so, making the best out of this season of life), I feel that this is indeed a good question, and it is never too early to give some thoughts on the kind of person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with in the future. Conversely, these criteria apply to myself as well; I, too, need to strive on cultivating these traits in my own life (more on that in a follow up post, coming soon)

This is a post I plan to keep on my blog until the day I get married.

Yes, I'm serious.

It will be reviewed as I grow in wisdom, maturity and experience in life and in age, but right now I'll start with a few essentials:

picture by Will Foster

1. First and foremost, God must be his first love.

My parents and relatives have been telling me this statement ever since the first time I asked them about it. For years I took it at face value, not thinking much about it, but as I hear stories of people who - with sincere intentions - put their partner as the most important thing in their life, and when they get disappointed by them, the results are devastating. How many suicide cases have you heard just because one party got jilted by the other? Yes, their level of maturity is questionable, but it still illustrates very well to me about how powerful relationships are in shaping a person's thoughts, beliefs and ultimately their decisions. I have learnt from personal experience and observations that human relationships, no matter how close, will be imperfect and cannot fulfill my every need. I believe that only God can do that (I'm honestly still coming to terms with this in view of actual friendships that I have experienced).

My dad was not a romantic sort of man. Even when they were dating he wasn't the kind that would always buy gifts and say sweet nothings in my mother's ear. But they got together, got married and ultimately stayed married for the past 20+ years because my dad put God as his first love in life, and so did Mum. They aren't perfect in executing it; they have their own set of annoyances and weaknesses that still last until now, but their friendship was one that was honest and sincere to God and to each other. Therefore, I now second my parents' sentiments, as well as their experience, that if my future husband has God as his first love consistently, he will naturally love me the right way as well.

picture by orangeacid

2. He must strive to be transparent and sincere, shedding masks and false fronts.

In other words, he should be direct and truthful with his thoughts, actions, and what is going on in his life. No pretending to be someone he's not; no double life. I'm not saying that he can't keep secrets from me; but he should be honest with major areas in his life. This criteria is my personal aspiration as well, and so I'm looking for someone who is a good example and will be truthful with me. Trustworthiness allows us to have faith in each other; while directness allows thoughts to be expressed easily, reducing misunderstandings as well as understanding each other better.

For years, I tried to put up a front to others so that they could accept me as one of them. However, deep down, I felt unhappy because I knew that I wasn't being myself - but I continued to act that way because I didn't trust people in general to accept me as I am. My masks crumble on me, though, when people uncover them and see the faker behind it, leaving scars in the process. I'm still learning to accept and be genuine with who I am, overcoming my insecure nature by being a boundless person; that's one of the reasons why I feel that I'm not yet ready for a relationship. But I hope to be able to grow into, as well as get into a relationship with someone who is transparent and sincere

However, the directness I'm asking for isn't a main taruh sort of bluntness where he bludgeons me with the truth in my face with no mercy or consideration for my feelings. Which brings us to criteria #3...

picture by miss.libertine

3. He ought to be patient, understanding, and willing to give reassurance.

Normally, guys I see with criteria #2 don't seem to fit this criteria; and vice versa, but that's merely based on surface-level observation, and currently there's no guy in my life (yet) that I know well enough to observe if he fits #3 or not. Why is patience so important to me? Because where relationships are concerned, with each other and with other family members...stuff can get really crazy. And it takes patience to tahan so long with people whom you love, live, and interact with on a daily basis.

As for understanding and reassurance...well, it would be really, really nice if my future boyfriend and hubby were to be an encouraging person, sensitive to progress that I have made and being unlazy/brave/willing to say so to me. It would be nice if he told me 'I love you' and other words that reaffirm our relationship from time to time as well. This need for reassurance is not a replacement for feeling secure, as I strive to find my security in God alone; rather, it is because sincerely spoken words are my love language. :)

picture by Pensiero

4. He should cherish and practice discernment.

I'm striving to be a wiser person each year, and I hope that my future hubby can do so, too. There's just so much being said and done out there that finding wisdom and truth is harder than ever before. Besides being a genuine person himself, I hope and pray that he would not just take whatever he hears at face value. Instead, he ought to think over it carefully, weighing pros and cons, listening to both sides (or more) of a story or news, and practicing moderation over certain issues - before making his stand or decision. And when he does decide on something, he stands on his decision that is well-informed yet open to change whenever necessary. This is all an ideal; in reality most of us will be too lazy to think that thoroughly, but well...it's not wrong to strive towards that direction, right?

It's going to be really sweet when we both mull over decisions together, and then giving each other high-fives when we make it. Well...looks like I'm drifting off into imagination here, so let me snap myself back to reality. So yeah, a guy who has discernment can decide well based on his priorities.

To end this post, I shall write a simple note to the guy I'm looking for. (When I say simple, I mean it.)

picture by Martin Gommel

Hi darling :)

I'm Debra. I hope you like my name, because my dad chose it especially for me. I currently have a love-hate relationship with it but I'm learning to like it. Please use it liberally! I love it when you say my name, even though I don't know what's your name and how you sound like. I hope we both are crazy about God first then to each other, and that we both can serve Him together as a team...although right now I'm not sure where He's calling me yet. I know you are not going to be my knight in shining armour, or a Prince Charming, but I want you to be a living person who is strong, yet unafraid to be vulnerable with me. It's all right if we mess up...we'll hold each other tight and try to make art out of the mess. I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know you in a deep and personal way. I hope that I can meet you soon, when God tells me that I'm ready for you.

Until we meet again, love.

Twenty Thirteen Resolutions :)

Beautiful Penang Bridge view from Chew Jetty is the backdrop of this poster...

the stuff that comes out when one fools around with Photoshop :)

It's 2013 which means:

2012 and its bittersweet memories are things of the past. Nice to ponder and reflect on, but already history. Which means that it's moving on time.

I'm turning 21 this year. Funny how I looked forward to turning 21 for ages when I was a teenager but once it comes, I don't want to grow anymore... Peter Pan syndrome at work here. But hey, life goes on so it's gonna be a journey of growth this year. Technically though, I'm still 'underage' until August so...haha, here's to enjoying the remaining 8 months of non-adulthood while it lasts ;) But most importantly...

...time for New Years' resolutions! I'll follow up on Resolutions 2012 in a following post but now, I shall reveal the four stuff I'm gonna attempt to do this year, as well as the steps that I'm going about to achieve it.

Resolution #1 for 2013: follow the One Year Bible (OYB) reading plan betul-betul this year. From Genesis to Revelation!

Last year, my dad kick-started this plan of reading the entire Bible in a year in our church. A faithful crowd of about 10 joined in and emailed, discussed, delved into every portion of God's word. As his daughter, I tried to follow...but there were stretches where laziness and forgetfulness got the better hand and I stopped reading. This year, I'm going to try again.

Relationships are important to me and I chose this resolution to improve my Relationship of relationships - the one with my Father in heaven. I seek to encounter God this year and make Him even more real in my life,  even as He has reached out to me through people, through words that were given to me, and through life's experiences. This is just a small thing that I can do, to be willful and disciplined into putting effort into knowing Him. :)

Practical stuff: I'm going to journal my readings in 750words or in written journals (on days there is no Internet connection) and reflect on them weekly to my mentor(s) and friends when applicable. And contribute to the NCA OYB email group as well from time to time (if there is insight to share).

pic taken by Hartwig HKD

Resolution #2 for 2013: become more involved in people's lives and think about them more often rather than focusing on myself.

First practical move: I'm not going to advertise my blog posts on Facebook anymore after today's post, unless it involves subjects of public interest (such as study notes or current issues). I'll just tell friends that the blog is updated and they can read it whenever they are free :)

Anyway. I use too much ''I'' in conversations, in my thoughts, and in relating to others (i.e what can others do for me?). This year, even though it's hard, I'm going to slowly include other people in my thoughts as well, not thoughts about how to please them but about how to reach out to them, make them feel better, and enhance the relationship between us. I want to reach a level where others are on my mind more often than myself and all my needs. It's very hard to do, given the human nature of being selfish, but I want to do it because I know that life comes from giving to others.

My own needs? I will honestly acknowledge them but try to get over them as soon as possible. As for worries and thoughts about the future, I will commit them to God whenever they pop up. This resolution is a very big step ahead, but the rewards of loving are great, and I want my life to count for something and matter in the long run.

Practical stuff: In addition to reading the Bible, I will pray about my needs and known needs of others. And then during the day, when I relate to the people around me, as unnatural as it feels now I will try to ask questions about them more than talk about myself so that I can know what is going on in other people's lives. In the beginning stages I might not ask much because I know not much, so I'm not going to feign interest, but let it develop as time passes by.

Diving pic by Hani Amir; mike pic by Darwin Bell; bike pic by Kivanc Nis;
bass pic by Chang Liu and car pic by Zitona.
Pictures not altered in any way in the compilation of this collage.

Resolution #3 for 2013: learn swimming, cycling, playing the bass guitar and (maybe) singing, and be able to drive confidently.

These activities are either skills that I have yet to master or things that I have gave up halfway. While I am still in my prime and in a place where opportunity abounds, I wish to improve my skills on these and become a more well-rounded person. But in the past year I've been quite passive in developing these skills. Which means that I need to ask around a lot to find people who can teach me stuff.

Practical stuff: Ask around a lot until I find tutors for these. Driving - find a refresher class in Penang for my 2nd semester here.

pic by Thomas Hawk

Resolution #4 for 2013: take a picture a day and journal about it.

The whole point of this resolution can be summarized in a word: Memories.

Memories to keep, to cherish, to hold. If a moment isn't captured, it's going to be forgotten. Life is short, so it needs to be lived well. And by looking back at each day, I am reminded, refreshed, and energized for the next day.

Practical stuff: Joined the 365 project. My pics are going to be updated on the blog - check out the 365/2013 page link at the left hand side of the blog - and occasionally on Twitter as well :)

I've added a 5th recently, it speaks for itself:

Before this, I'd avoid guys. Because I didn't know how to talk to them. If a guy was nicer than usual to me, especially in my teen years, I'd develop crushes easily. Now, I desire mature friendships. As for the whole dating/boyfriend/future husband thing...that'll be another post all together.