The Guy I'm Looking For

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"What criteria would you like to see in your future husband?"

It all started when this question was asked casually of me in a camp that I've attended two months ago. Ever since then, a few people have asked me similar questions. Though right now I'm single (and learning how to be contently so, making the best out of this season of life), I feel that this is indeed a good question, and it is never too early to give some thoughts on the kind of person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with in the future. Conversely, these criteria apply to myself as well; I, too, need to strive on cultivating these traits in my own life (more on that in a follow up post, coming soon)

This is a post I plan to keep on my blog until the day I get married.

Yes, I'm serious.

It will be reviewed as I grow in wisdom, maturity and experience in life and in age, but right now I'll start with a few essentials:

picture by Will Foster

1. First and foremost, God must be his first love.

My parents and relatives have been telling me this statement ever since the first time I asked them about it. For years I took it at face value, not thinking much about it, but as I hear stories of people who - with sincere intentions - put their partner as the most important thing in their life, and when they get disappointed by them, the results are devastating. How many suicide cases have you heard just because one party got jilted by the other? Yes, their level of maturity is questionable, but it still illustrates very well to me about how powerful relationships are in shaping a person's thoughts, beliefs and ultimately their decisions. I have learnt from personal experience and observations that human relationships, no matter how close, will be imperfect and cannot fulfill my every need. I believe that only God can do that (I'm honestly still coming to terms with this in view of actual friendships that I have experienced).

My dad was not a romantic sort of man. Even when they were dating he wasn't the kind that would always buy gifts and say sweet nothings in my mother's ear. But they got together, got married and ultimately stayed married for the past 20+ years because my dad put God as his first love in life, and so did Mum. They aren't perfect in executing it; they have their own set of annoyances and weaknesses that still last until now, but their friendship was one that was honest and sincere to God and to each other. Therefore, I now second my parents' sentiments, as well as their experience, that if my future husband has God as his first love consistently, he will naturally love me the right way as well.

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2. He must strive to be transparent and sincere, shedding masks and false fronts.

In other words, he should be direct and truthful with his thoughts, actions, and what is going on in his life. No pretending to be someone he's not; no double life. I'm not saying that he can't keep secrets from me; but he should be honest with major areas in his life. This criteria is my personal aspiration as well, and so I'm looking for someone who is a good example and will be truthful with me. Trustworthiness allows us to have faith in each other; while directness allows thoughts to be expressed easily, reducing misunderstandings as well as understanding each other better.

For years, I tried to put up a front to others so that they could accept me as one of them. However, deep down, I felt unhappy because I knew that I wasn't being myself - but I continued to act that way because I didn't trust people in general to accept me as I am. My masks crumble on me, though, when people uncover them and see the faker behind it, leaving scars in the process. I'm still learning to accept and be genuine with who I am, overcoming my insecure nature by being a boundless person; that's one of the reasons why I feel that I'm not yet ready for a relationship. But I hope to be able to grow into, as well as get into a relationship with someone who is transparent and sincere

However, the directness I'm asking for isn't a main taruh sort of bluntness where he bludgeons me with the truth in my face with no mercy or consideration for my feelings. Which brings us to criteria #3...

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3. He ought to be patient, understanding, and willing to give reassurance.

Normally, guys I see with criteria #2 don't seem to fit this criteria; and vice versa, but that's merely based on surface-level observation, and currently there's no guy in my life (yet) that I know well enough to observe if he fits #3 or not. Why is patience so important to me? Because where relationships are concerned, with each other and with other family members...stuff can get really crazy. And it takes patience to tahan so long with people whom you love, live, and interact with on a daily basis.

As for understanding and reassurance...well, it would be really, really nice if my future boyfriend and hubby were to be an encouraging person, sensitive to progress that I have made and being unlazy/brave/willing to say so to me. It would be nice if he told me 'I love you' and other words that reaffirm our relationship from time to time as well. This need for reassurance is not a replacement for feeling secure, as I strive to find my security in God alone; rather, it is because sincerely spoken words are my love language. :)

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4. He should cherish and practice discernment.

I'm striving to be a wiser person each year, and I hope that my future hubby can do so, too. There's just so much being said and done out there that finding wisdom and truth is harder than ever before. Besides being a genuine person himself, I hope and pray that he would not just take whatever he hears at face value. Instead, he ought to think over it carefully, weighing pros and cons, listening to both sides (or more) of a story or news, and practicing moderation over certain issues - before making his stand or decision. And when he does decide on something, he stands on his decision that is well-informed yet open to change whenever necessary. This is all an ideal; in reality most of us will be too lazy to think that thoroughly, but well...it's not wrong to strive towards that direction, right?

It's going to be really sweet when we both mull over decisions together, and then giving each other high-fives when we make it. Well...looks like I'm drifting off into imagination here, so let me snap myself back to reality. So yeah, a guy who has discernment can decide well based on his priorities.

To end this post, I shall write a simple note to the guy I'm looking for. (When I say simple, I mean it.)

picture by Martin Gommel

Hi darling :)

I'm Debra. I hope you like my name, because my dad chose it especially for me. I currently have a love-hate relationship with it but I'm learning to like it. Please use it liberally! I love it when you say my name, even though I don't know what's your name and how you sound like. I hope we both are crazy about God first then to each other, and that we both can serve Him together as a team...although right now I'm not sure where He's calling me yet. I know you are not going to be my knight in shining armour, or a Prince Charming, but I want you to be a living person who is strong, yet unafraid to be vulnerable with me. It's all right if we mess up...we'll hold each other tight and try to make art out of the mess. I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know you in a deep and personal way. I hope that I can meet you soon, when God tells me that I'm ready for you.

Until we meet again, love.