Life as an Asian Kid: “They” Are Always Better

Part of the Life as An Asian Kid series. Part 1 here.
In part 1 I discussed how Asian parents have pretty high hopes on their kids. Today, I’ll be talking on another Asian Kid experience: feeling that other kids are always better.

(My examples are 100% Malaysian (perhaps Singaporean too) though - so if the kid came from other parts of Asia the examples may be different.

“My parents heap praises on other people’s kids but pick my flaws even after I’ve done a good job.”
Generally, many Asian parents seem to have no qualms talking about their kids to everyone - the good, bad and the ugly, but that depends on the kind of parents you have. There are those who gladly boast about their son's straight A pluses into the noses of all the neighbors, friends and relatives, but then there are also those (I suspect more of, actually) who go the other way round and preach about the straight A pluses and near-perfect recitals of their nephews and nieces, the neighbours' kids, or "that good-looking kid in class" to their own kids. Then, these same folks, in the presence of company (even in front of the kids themselves, often for some) tend to "put down" their own kids, especially when someone asks about them - "Aiya, she's not so smart one lah, she can be very lazy and irresponsible wan lah" and the other parent replies, "No lah, at least your girl got A's in her exams, my son struggle to get passes in all subjects, I wonder how is he even going to secure his future" - and the conversation goes on and on, bopping back and forth, as if the parents were having a "who can put down their kid more" contest or something - it even happens with complete strangers who both happen to be parents.

The rationale is probably to humble the kids - a very cherished value among Asians if you ask me - so that they don't get all puffed up about how great they are. For the parents, they also most likely want to look humble among their peers (weird that I use this word that people usually use to describe teenagers, huh?) by "denying" any praise heaped upon their kids by the other parents/people. It's a funny thing actually - other people, some whom the kids barely know, are praising them; their parents, who are the closest people possible to a kid, are "elaborating" about the kid's weaker areas of growth? I'll explore this further in the "I think that..." section.

From my experience, conversations with certain adults, especially if I know the kids (i.e I'm their teacher/big sister figure/family friend) can quickly turn into "my kid is like this and like this". I'm not saying that it's wrong in its entirety (more on that below) but it's just a norm in society. And I can't really point fingers at others - I do that too at times, especially since I work with rather young kids and running after them and keeping order can be honestly tiring at times (see, I just demonstrated some form of talking about kids like that. Got me?)

I think that it's not just a parents and kids thing actually - the real deal isn't even only unique to Asians (that would be...stereotyping!), it's human nature that we tend to critic more easily than praise in any given situation. It's that easy to find flaws in people/things if we searched for it - people in the world bash each other with all sorts of obscene language and with no mercy, all around us, even if they are strangers. Our own family knows us the best - and they know our warts, in and out, better than anyone else, so they know us well enough to talk about it. The rationale is actually one that I agree with - if you heap praise on kids they may get all puffed up - but the bigger issue is, most of those others who praise the kids are doing so on the surface - the achievements that can be seen. Do they know the inner struggles that kids go through, that most caring parents know about and would give anything to see improvement? Sure, there may be mentors who the kids trust and longingly want to see improvement too, but most (I mean it, most) external praise based on surface knowledge of the kid. Criticism from the parents, as harsh as it may come, is genuine when based on motives to see the kid improve (I myself am still learning this fact).

However, I also think that parents should offer praise and encouragement to kids when they deserve it, especially if, as the parent, they know how hard the kid has worked to achieve something worthwhile. If the child had practiced for hours on a piano piece to improve her skills and gets 3 marks short of distinction when tested in the real exam, that is her very best - congratulate her for that! Praise from parents, when received at proper times, is genuine, real and refreshing. Personally, if I worked hard in something and my parents see it, recognize it and reward/comment about it or not criticize it [they do reward me, by the way - I'm not implying that they never do!] On the contrary, external critics - the kinds that kids encounter outside home - may not have your best interests at heart, and they can be harsh, unmerciful, and just want to give you a piece of their mind. Chilly, ain't it?

Part 3 of the series will leave the theme of parents...and venture into education. Stay tuned :)
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Image sources: (1), (2), (3)

Life as an Asian Kid: Sky-High Expectations

Part of the Life as An Asian Kid series. (More coming out next week!)

Teaching and working with kids as well as light chats with peers have recently got me thinking about life as an Asian kid. (Also partially inspired by reviews on the Amy Chua book, if you know what I'm talking about.)

This series is actually a short list of what I see kids face in Malaysia based on experience, as well as my opinion on them. When I did the research, I realized these characteristics are pretty common in Asian families. Today's (rant): high expectations.

“My parents have high expectations of me.”

Generally, Asian kids are expected to be all-stars since young. Besides spending a fortune on tutors to improve school grades (no wonder everyone knows everyone from tuition!), kids’ after-school hours and weekends are packed with activities and classes of various kinds, such as ballet, arithmetic, accelerated math, self-defence, art, swimming, chess, gymnastics, religious classes, and others. See any family at a mamak stall Saturday morning and you’ll see many of the kids inevitably carrying bags with aprons, art block and colours, sports equipment, or music books (or all four!)

The rationale is to produce balanced kids that excel in everything (hopefully, that is). Then, the kid can go anywhere in the future, earn big bucks and live a comfortable life.

From my experience as a part-time piano teacher, I witness this first-hand. The studio where I work is increasing in student population every month. I see every now and then the hopeful parent bringing her kids, aged 5 and 7, to class to try out the piano, then the 5 year-old is told to wait another year (her hands are much too small) so mom decides to start her the moment she turns 6. Most of my students are primary school students who rush from one type of class to another, so I don’t blame them for being restless at times. Homework still has to be done, though.

I think that parents should pick and choose classes for the kids and not enrol them in everything. Yes, parents can expose them to many stuff in the beginning, but long-term commitment should be only to classes where the kid has a natural inclination (note: which the kid likes to do/is good at despite seasons of laziness), focusing on it alone and helping them get good at it as they grow up, which is better than a ‘jack of all trades, master of none’ kid.

Even though kids may be lazy at it (I wanted to quit piano many, many times because of laziness, and sometimes I still do) but the discipline involved with it as well as inclination (music is somewhat in my blood from mom’s side of the family, but I don’t know my full potential yet. LOL!), kids can go places with their talents if they are willing to put in effort.

Hopefully, everyone can then sit and enjoy the stellar performance of a kid who loves what he/she's doing and is ever grateful to his/her parents for pushing him/her further. And the other extreme - if he/she drops out, it is their own choice (and their own loss, if you choose to think that way) instead of grouchy quitting because some perfectionist parent wanted to push them over the edge.

Oh yeah, and do pick quality classes with teachers who can understand the kids and brush up their talents – but I’ll leave that to the folks, they’re wiser in that area :)

Real life example: Now, about that vocal training that I was discussing with the folks some days back…my dad is actually willing to let me go (if I decide on going) provided I finish it, because he thinks it’s good to train up my confidence , because singing in front of crowd = GULP! even though I do like singing better than my rather nasal voice right now instead of just in my head (why I suggested it). It’s a fantasy of sorts actually, so let’s see how that goes.

In the next post in this series, I'll be talking on how some Asian parents shower praise on other people's kids but are stingy offering them to their own kids. Stay tuned :)

Images taken from here and here.