Life as an Asian Kid: “They” Are Always Better

Part of the Life as An Asian Kid series. Part 1 here.
In part 1 I discussed how Asian parents have pretty high hopes on their kids. Today, I’ll be talking on another Asian Kid experience: feeling that other kids are always better.

(My examples are 100% Malaysian (perhaps Singaporean too) though - so if the kid came from other parts of Asia the examples may be different.

“My parents heap praises on other people’s kids but pick my flaws even after I’ve done a good job.”
Generally, many Asian parents seem to have no qualms talking about their kids to everyone - the good, bad and the ugly, but that depends on the kind of parents you have. There are those who gladly boast about their son's straight A pluses into the noses of all the neighbors, friends and relatives, but then there are also those (I suspect more of, actually) who go the other way round and preach about the straight A pluses and near-perfect recitals of their nephews and nieces, the neighbours' kids, or "that good-looking kid in class" to their own kids. Then, these same folks, in the presence of company (even in front of the kids themselves, often for some) tend to "put down" their own kids, especially when someone asks about them - "Aiya, she's not so smart one lah, she can be very lazy and irresponsible wan lah" and the other parent replies, "No lah, at least your girl got A's in her exams, my son struggle to get passes in all subjects, I wonder how is he even going to secure his future" - and the conversation goes on and on, bopping back and forth, as if the parents were having a "who can put down their kid more" contest or something - it even happens with complete strangers who both happen to be parents.

The rationale is probably to humble the kids - a very cherished value among Asians if you ask me - so that they don't get all puffed up about how great they are. For the parents, they also most likely want to look humble among their peers (weird that I use this word that people usually use to describe teenagers, huh?) by "denying" any praise heaped upon their kids by the other parents/people. It's a funny thing actually - other people, some whom the kids barely know, are praising them; their parents, who are the closest people possible to a kid, are "elaborating" about the kid's weaker areas of growth? I'll explore this further in the "I think that..." section.

From my experience, conversations with certain adults, especially if I know the kids (i.e I'm their teacher/big sister figure/family friend) can quickly turn into "my kid is like this and like this". I'm not saying that it's wrong in its entirety (more on that below) but it's just a norm in society. And I can't really point fingers at others - I do that too at times, especially since I work with rather young kids and running after them and keeping order can be honestly tiring at times (see, I just demonstrated some form of talking about kids like that. Got me?)

I think that it's not just a parents and kids thing actually - the real deal isn't even only unique to Asians (that would be...stereotyping!), it's human nature that we tend to critic more easily than praise in any given situation. It's that easy to find flaws in people/things if we searched for it - people in the world bash each other with all sorts of obscene language and with no mercy, all around us, even if they are strangers. Our own family knows us the best - and they know our warts, in and out, better than anyone else, so they know us well enough to talk about it. The rationale is actually one that I agree with - if you heap praise on kids they may get all puffed up - but the bigger issue is, most of those others who praise the kids are doing so on the surface - the achievements that can be seen. Do they know the inner struggles that kids go through, that most caring parents know about and would give anything to see improvement? Sure, there may be mentors who the kids trust and longingly want to see improvement too, but most (I mean it, most) external praise based on surface knowledge of the kid. Criticism from the parents, as harsh as it may come, is genuine when based on motives to see the kid improve (I myself am still learning this fact).

However, I also think that parents should offer praise and encouragement to kids when they deserve it, especially if, as the parent, they know how hard the kid has worked to achieve something worthwhile. If the child had practiced for hours on a piano piece to improve her skills and gets 3 marks short of distinction when tested in the real exam, that is her very best - congratulate her for that! Praise from parents, when received at proper times, is genuine, real and refreshing. Personally, if I worked hard in something and my parents see it, recognize it and reward/comment about it or not criticize it [they do reward me, by the way - I'm not implying that they never do!] On the contrary, external critics - the kinds that kids encounter outside home - may not have your best interests at heart, and they can be harsh, unmerciful, and just want to give you a piece of their mind. Chilly, ain't it?

Part 3 of the series will leave the theme of parents...and venture into education. Stay tuned :)
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Image sources: (1), (2), (3)