Expectations

picture by Pink Sherbet Photography

Have you ever felt empty?

Most of the time I bet you wouldn't. In fact, life is moving - and it's moving pretty fast, pretty furious. Life, is good.

But there are those times where everything just stood still. There's this sci-fic movie called "The Day The Earth Stood Still" some years back right? Ah. Random thought there.

Anyway.

Just had one of these kind of days today. I woke up drowsily from a bad bout of common cold, and it was a lazy day as classes were mostly cancelled. Broke my fast from Facebook and looked at all the notifications (about 40 of them) and just browsed. Nice pictures...funny statuses. But they all seemed lifeless where there once was a sense of connecting. It's like it finally dawned upon me that Facebook connections are so surreal. Where's the real sense of fellowship? Is anyone listening, and am I really reaching out? Barely. Perhaps the fast has actually knocked some sense into me.

I've been having some dilemmas recently that made me reflect for the past 3 days. 

Firstly, there's this heightened feeling of detachment from reality that haunts me. In reality, I know that many people love me and care for me, but when I'm in my room all alone and everyone's out and about, and even when I'm in a hall full of people and all around me are the sounds of chattering and merry making - I feel an aching sense of loneliness. Maybe I miss home, maybe I should just talk to someone. Recently posted on Facebook that I missed the feeling of hugging someone, and got all sorts of responses from friends. But all this cannot heal the hurt that surfaces itself every now and then. It could be the fact that there's this very recent revelation about the way I'm wired - which until today I'm still trying to accept and define myself by (There are people that I've told about this. Thank God for loving sisters and brothers that are there - surely God's way of comforting me in a supposed storm) 

Then, there's someone that I've been really liking for a while now (again, some people close to me know more about this but I won't talk too much about it here), but somehow I just know this is yet another case of infatuation - mainly because it's not the first time I've fallen for someone with that similar set of characteristics, and through an aching yet confirming sense of intuition as well as my observations from real life, I know it is yet another 'tak jadi' case - at least for now maybe - but who am I trying to kid. Even this kind of so called 'youthful wonder' feelings can slowly hurt me inside as hopes and dreams are dashed with reality. Oh, how nice is the feeling of being reassured, loved, and paid attention to...even if it only exists in my heightened imagination! I tell myself that I must forget, I must move on...but honestly it's really hard to get over it. What is a small thing for most people is a big deal for me, because all this while I struggle to be wanted by other people. Badly. And that is dangerous.

My assignments are catching up with me. Reading the textbooks are still okay but I wonder how on earth am I supposed to remember all that...and translate it into Malay, which while I respect and acknowledge as important to learn as a language, still baffles me until today. (Maybe I should write my next blog post in BM or Mandarin to train myself. Haha...)

Okay, since I'm losing the mood to write for now, I'm going to let this sit for a bit. Thank God for times of reflection. Right now I'm going to do what I'm supposed to be doing - continuing in activities that were planned for today. Meanwhile, for the weekend I'm going to take a real break (no distractions from above 3 categories) by listening, receiving and pouring out my heart to God at camp. And to brainstorm for stuff to write for the CF newsletter. And the two presentations next week. Taking a break now. Ciao :)

The Belle At The Ball: Dialogue on Insecurity

picture by Paolo Marconi

I'd always admire the belle at the ball.

It would be really nice if there were modern day balls, just like the ones that we hear about in fairy tales. The beautiful girl in the gown coming down the stairs with the most elegant thing that night, with all heads turned in her direction.

Then there was internal conversation.

Q: Ah, so this is what this is about, Deb? You want people to notice you. Again. And again. I wonder my dear, what is so wonderful about it anyway?

A: Uh, well, when you're a die hard introvert, and shy, but at the same time kinda vain, you'd want to break out of the 'nobody knows my name' syndrome that you think has plagued you for the past, uh, 20 years. Let the whole wide world know who you are.

Q: So okay, let's assume one day the whole wide world really knows who you are. Then what?

A: Then...I'd be happy. No need to worry what to say at parties anymore - everyone loves me already?

Q: Didn't you hear the saying "What good is there to gain the whole world but to lose your soul" before?

A: Hmm...but it's really awesome to be popular and liked for once!

Q: Then again, look at the way you go about doing it. You try too hard to make small talk that means nothing to you and act all cheesy like you're someone you're not. Isn't that hard work? Besides, even with a giggly posse with you (since that's what you want somehow), you're envious every time you see someone prettier, smarter, taking the attention away from you (apparently), etc. Doesn't it give you so much heartache, so much pressure, all self-afflicted? Sucks to be you. You're so insecure all the time.

A: I know, I know! But I'm still struggling. I can't shake the thought of wanting people to notice me there. It's like I feel so abnormal.

Q: Can't be happy in your own skin my dear? How sad. Why can't you just let loose? Let people know what are your favorite things, what makes you sing, act goofy for a change. Poke people, hug them (girls), share your life story with them, don't be too worried about burping and yawning (you think that makes you less ladylike so you do it discreetly all the time) You take too much care to present a picture perfect portrait of yourself in front there, so much so that people can't relate. Where is your human side? Do you want to get stuck in this rut forever?

A: Give me a guitar, my Bible, a journal and a week's fast from Facebook. I need to reflect and pray about this.

Meanwhile, to finish up the ball story...

Everyone sure did look at her...maybe for like 5 seconds? And then they went back to their own worlds. Besides the occasional compliment that she receives on her dress, everyone's dancing with their own partners and socializing with their own friends.

But then, the princess catches the attention of one.

Her prince. He is enraptured by not just her physical beauty - he wants her. To dance with, to spend time with, to sip drinks under the moonlight with. And she doesn't need anyone else's gaze to be happy.

picture by Stewart Baird

Hmm. How romantic. Are you talking about your future significant other? Maybe...but even his gaze would be sometimes averted. He's only human, so even though he'd try his very best, there will still be times where the girl at the stairs gets ignored -

(digression) since we're at the topic...I give you this? written two years ago, haha. I have some updated criteria though, will cerita soon ;D (end of digression)

At the end of my FB fast, I'll write down the ending to the story. And what I have learned about overcoming my insecurity. :)