Rejection And Criticism

Rejection sucks, ya' know? But it's a part of life.
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This week just wasn't a good week for me.

I thought long and hard about what to blog about while maintaining the generally optimistic stance practiced in this blog, but I just really can't do it. I have to be candid and admit that there were moments this week where I just think that I'm a failure.

Of course, not everything was bad, only certain things. But there is a weird power about negative things to negate whatever positive experiences that happened around the same time (hence the name negate-ive?).

Well since it is a policy of this blog not to put down anybody in real life, I shall not mention everything candidly. However, what I can say is from my own point of view, that is two things that I experienced this week.

Firstly, I experienced rejection. I always thought that all rejection had a reason that can be fixed, i.e either one party must be right and the other wrong, and whenever people rejected me I always try to find the blame in myself first and apologize for that, while admittedly killing a lot of ego in the process, to fix it. Generally I hate problems; I want them to go away as soon as they come, but life isn't like that sometimes, and I can't control how people feel, or whether they like me or hate me. I had to learn the hard way. Why is it that whenever sparks are alighted, I find myself kowtowing and apologizing most of the time - while not always being the party at fault? Do I always have to please the other party?

I now have to come to terms with the fact that for valid reasons or not, there's bound to be a few people out there that just don't like me. Enough said. I give up trying to please these folks already, you know - whatever they want to think about me, let'em, just focus on doing the right thing. So haters, thank you for maturing me, even though I don't like the way you do it, sometimes we have to learn our lessons.

Ah, criticism - just feels like everyone's pointing at you.
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Then, I also was criticized, more than once. This should be natural, right? Well, if you know me you ought to know that I struggle with taking criticism well, especially 'huge' criticism. Either I lash back or keep my distance from the critic, thinking that that person will definitely reject me. (BTW, this isn't related to the stuff that happened in point 1 above, they were separate incidents). However, this time I know that I am at fault - I let my feelings influence my work and didn't set my priorities right, and as a result they are undone, and I got sounded more than once for this lack of discipline in various areas this week. I know they are right but I have to admit that I really hate how it feels to be put under the scrutiny of critics.

However, like they said, I do have a serious lack of discipline in doing stuff, and I need to do what has to be done even though I don't feel like it - and I can't forever get away with being behind on tasks just because I can do them well (when I actually do them), i.e talent. So critics, thank you for waking me up.

Listening to music, sleeping it over, engaging in time-wasters, and procrastinating cannot help me run away from the stresses of life forever . A girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.

Images taken from here and here.

Form 6 So Far

Reflecting on the past, present and future...
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Mid-July is approaching, and sixers all over Malaysia have around three months or so left to prepare for 'the' exam - STPM. And as this time is approaching, different students have different reactions towards studies and form 6 life in general.

Well, there was a sharing session in class today.

There were some who felt happy that they have improved in time on certain or all subjects, and were optimistic for further improvements.

There were others who candidly admitted that they took it easy and slacked in their studies until recently. However, these others also expressed earnest desire to buck up and improve from now on.

There were some whose daily lives are tied up with many commitments, in school, at home or elsewhere. Even with less time in their hands compared to others, I salute them for having the drive to do their very best.

STPM is no walk in the park. However, wow, what a journey!
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As for me? Well, I have to admit that even though my results were considerably good this term, I knew that I was not running on all my cylinders. Whenever I look at a pile of work to be done, I just let it go and prefer to socialize behind a computer screen, to make up for the seeming lack of it in face-to-face communication at school (not an excuse for me to not study though!)

My grandmother's seeming nagging is valid: hearing 'poi padi' (Tamil for 'go and study') every time I'm in front of the computer. "Haven't you any homework or revision to do?" Well I do, but I put Internet time in front of my homework because I had perceived it as more important to prove to myself and those around me that I do have a 'life', being a social late bloomer that is desperately trying to catch up.

But I'm thinking twice. Is it really what matters? I've not been counting my blessings. My friends actually don't think that I'm shy and reserved anymore. So why am I kidding myself and setting unrealistic goals? Such a small matter. The popularity bug must have been bugging me again. (Shoo!)

As of now I ought to, like my friends, buck up and earn my way up to a 4-flat.

Now, if you don't mind me, I'm going to poi padi...

Yeah, be like this little one here. For a brighter future :)
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Images taken from (not in order): (1), (2), (3)

A Little on...Feeling Pretty

Note to readers: I'm attempting to keep my blog post word count below 350 words. Less headache for me, saving reading time for you. Wish me all the best in that, haha :D

Looking good...
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Everybody wants to beautiful (or macho, if you're a dude). Right? ;)

Some people communicate this love for beauty more obviously - by spending the effort (and cash) needed to beautify themselves. There are also people on the other extreme - aren't too concerned with appearance, just something comfy will do.

Some people have the confidence that they're beautiful, and are not afraid to flaunt it. Those who rather stay away from the spotlight are pleased with looking pleasantly presentable.

Maybe you are somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

Personally I like being paid attention - not all the time though, at other times I do prefer to blend in since always being in the center of attention = kinda weird. However, when it comes to dress and appearance, I love designs that stand out (think bold patterns and bling), as well as be rather fussy about the stuff I'm in.

Statement tees! Uh well, if I dared to wear any of these, only the first one on the left is still somewhat workable...
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And yeah, I do like to model (call me perasan if you want, but right now I keep that part of me low-profile though). If I had a nice gown, killer heels, extra doses of confidence and less pimples, I would have joined the Pesona Anggun beauty pageant in my school. Who knows? I may even waltz away with the trophy :)

As of right now, I embrace that part of my personality that has confidence in my appearance. However, moderation is key and I'm still working on a healthy self image - not too proud, not too low in self-esteem either, and getting rid of those pimples - and get fit! Speaking of that, I'm proud to announce that I've lost a kilo since I've started my exercise routine (you can read about how that all started here), and I am another 4 kilos away from my ideal weight. One month and going... :D

How about you? How do you live out beauty?

Images taken from here and here.

Boys

These boys just seem to have a lot of fun...
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A girl's perspective.

Crazy. Funny. Annoying. Kinda cute/hot at times. Naughty. Playful. Smart in unusual areas. Cool-headed. Thoughtful. Generally enjoyable.

There are many kinds of'em - but one thing's for sure, I can say - befriending boys bring different sorts of color and experiences to my life, and I thank God for my guy friends (as well as my girl friends) in enriching my life as it is right now.

Not until fairly recently (read: a year ago), boys to me were like these alien beings that existed around me but that I had nothing to do with. There were an awful lot of nice dudes around me that I could have got to know (as friends I mean...not everything between girls and guys have to be romantic, you know) all that time, but I was too shy and too ignorant to talk much to the guys around me. To be honest, even making and keeping girl friends was hard for me with my 'excellent' social skills - what more about guys?

Okay...what is so alien about guys, anyway? (These ones look hot. :D)
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I did, however, have 2 amateur crushes then; this was because these guys said hi occasionally to me and were basically gentlemen who were, at the standards of the day, kinda hot. However, I didn't attempt to talk more to them or get to know better simply because I didn't really think, at that time, that guys can make pretty good friends. I closed-mindedly only thought about guys as girls' romantic interests.

The reasons why guys were so alien back then? Well, I guess it was mostly shyness. Besides, my family members were mostly girls and I wasn't Daddy's little girl either (don't be mistaken here - I do love my Dad but I wasn't like his 'buddy' or something whenever we talk) so I wasn't 'forced' into talking to boys much. I had no idea what good friendships with guys bring.

Fast forward a year.

I have to admit that I still am not the kind of girl that will just walk up to guys and say 'hey what's up' or make plans with guy friends to go places. That is a long way to go for someone who, like I said in a previous paragraph, didn't even care about talking to boys. However, I'm glad that it started with my classmates now - many of them actually took the initiative to get to know me - that I started to open up to the idea of having guys as friends. I'm not sure if they know that I have never even opened my mouth to talk much to guys before, but they accommodated me somehow and I gradually opened up to them, even though I acknowledge that it's still very little progress before I get 100% natural with guys just like my girl friends. Of course I am also mindful of proper boy-girl boundaries in friendships. In my book it's learn to make friends with guys first before even thinking about the romantic aspects, much later.

After that, starting to get to know other guys in school and outside (in church and in other social circles, also including ex-school friends) became slightly easier. In those areas I admit I still need a lot of work though, especially in terms of taking initiative to talk to them.

My guy friends even have started to tease me now, which can be pretty annoying, but deep down I actually like this progress - it shows that they are not "afraid" of me. People used to do that all the time because they were afraid that I'd cry or get emotional, so I basically had "Fragile: Handle with Extreme Care" signs written all over me, but at the same time, this distance made closer friendships almost impossible - many people dared not to reach out or talk much to me (I don't blame them, I gave people that impression in the first place) and I felt lonely.

After some time of getting used to the idea of guys being my friends, I am still learning a lot in the process. Guys are a lot of fun to be with, and I find their perspectives on things unique. Generally I like how guys can see the whole picture, their ability to make people laugh easily, them being willing to look silly for your entertainment, their ability to mix well with people without too many if's and have a 'I don't care what people think about me' attitude in many aspects . (How often do you see guys in general form cliques, or are obsessed with how they look the way we girls are at times). Some girls sometimes tend to have certain conditions for making friends - guys just make friends, and I didn't have to be rich or popular or extremely pretty to be accepted as their friends, just be willing to get to know them and that's all...

Guys tend to see the bigger picture. Girls? We look for details I guess...
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My hopes are that I completely get rid of all traces of awkwardness when talking to guys, and doing more activities and having more conversations with guy friends (together with the girls  I mean...the more the merrier) to get to know life from a guy's point of view.

Yup, thanks for being so entertaining...
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For bringing a lot of fun and cheer into my life, guys, thank you. :)

Yay for friends!
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Images taken from: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Some Thoughts On Learning

A huge part of learning comes from books.
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When you see the word 'learning', what is the first thing that comes to mind?

I immediately think of the words 'school' and 'education'.

I imagine the familiar imagery of dreary schooldays, where teacher points to the blackboard and students squirm in their seats, or running to class after class, frivolously scribbling (or in more modern settings, frantically typing) notes in lecture halls.

Lecture halls...I wonder how it feels like to be in one of these on a daily basis?
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I also recall those days where we would dissect frogs and insects, mix multicolored chemicals and test out all three of Newton's laws of motion in the science labs. Those days where a supposedly boring History lesson comes to life when teachers brought us on an imaginary tour of the ancient worlds. When we do long and tedious Maths sums, only to feel glad when the sum is finally reduced to a simple number. (Have you wondered why sums are so complicated but the answers so simple? It baffles me.)

However, learning extends beyond school. In fact, we have been learning from the very day we were born. Somehow we learned how to breathe; we learned how to cry and how to smile; we learned how to open our mouths to eat. Later, we learn how to walk and talk, and after that learning becomes more complex: We learn our ABC's, how to make words into sentences, how to associate names with people (e.g this is Mum, this is Dad, etc.), how to recognize colors, how to make friends, etc.

Hopscotch...is a fun way to learn together with friends :)
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Of course not everything we learn is good; we also learn from young how to lie, how to disobey, how to make fun of people/put them down, how to steal, etc. However, somewhere along the line we also learn from our folks, teachers, and religious and moral teachings about what is right, and what is wrong; what is good, and what is bad. However, choosing right over wrong depends entirely upon ourselves. Our upbringing can only do so much and the choice is still mine and yours to make.

Sometimes learning has it's own 'crash and fall' moments...
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Some learning requires memorization, many through repeated practice sessions; some through trial and error, some through concept grasping. There are some areas where we learn faster, some where we learn at a normal pace, and some where we learn slower. It's sad that discrimination does happen as a result, where people who learn slower in certain areas are called names and at times are neglected by the education system at large (not just limited to Malaysia alone- the term 'dumb' is universal!)

Some learning takes place hands-on.
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After school, I know that I will still learn: learning to cope in the work world as an adult. learning how to adapt, how to settle deals and contracts, how to fall in love, how to treat your spouse (if married), how to raise kids (if I have kids that is), how to balance career with family, how to spend time after retiring...

There's one thing I know I'll take a lifetime to learn, however: how to improve in every aspect - be it spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, and become the person that God wants me to be. :)

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From a different angle on this subject, I personally think that learning is the best antidote to superiority. Different groups of people hail their own backgrounds as superior to another - some examples would be like Eastern versus Western cultures (and vice versa); racial superiority, cultural superiority, rich versus poor, even the types of education (a local example would be English-talkers or "English-eds" versus those who uphold vernacular education), and the debates on which is better have never stopped since. Many people fight passionately to defend their point of view while disregarding the other party.

What does learning have to do with this? Personally, I think that instead of finding the specks, stones and flaws in other people or other views, it is better if I learn from them instead. I believe that there are good points in many views, cultures, etc, and it would only do me good if I learn the good of both sides while doing away with the not-so-good parts (everything has flaws). For instance:

• Instead of hailing one language over another as a medium of education over another, try to learn both if possible. Learning more languages only brings advantage to the person who wishes to communicate better. (Words of my wise mom here) 
• Instead of hailing one way of life against another, for example by generalizing that Eastern/Western culture is better, take the good of both sides. I think that we need to learn to advance like the West, and practice respect to elders like the East, for example.
• I've noticed that some cultures have practices that are just plain sweet. Personally for me, one example would be the way my Malay friends salam the hands of their parents, elders and friends when greeting or leaving them (correct me if I'm wrong here). In my eyes, it's a really respectful and sweet thing to do. Another example is how people in the West are more open in showing affection towards family and friends (Asians are a little stingy on affection I guess?) Hugs bring encouragement to close family and friends. I know it when people hug me :) I'm pretty sure there is beauty in every other culture as well, and seeing them makes the world so much more beautiful to me.

Here's to a lifetime of learning.

Learning doesn't stop...

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Image sources: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5), (6)

Being #1 & Preschool Memories

 Yeah...one is a nice number. I know. It's like, huge.
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Have you ever been the best in something? Anything?

Whether it was the sack race in kindergarten, the maths quiz in school or being selected for a special award, you’ve got to admit that being the best in something feels awesome, doesn’t it?

As for me, I’ve been awarded first place mainly in class rankings. Well, recently I just got first place in my class for the mid-year exam too. Maybe this is why I’m writing about this topic – it’s fresh. (I just knew my position in class and form days ago.) Now, I have no intention of showing off or anything – academics just happens to be something I’m better at. If you were to ask me about sports or dancing or art, I can tell you I suck in all three for now. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses I guess…

First time victories to me are always the sweetest. I remember the first time I got first place in something in life - in kindergarten at six years old, as we were about to graduate. When I first entered preschool at five I hated to go to school, read, play with other schoolmates, and especially write. (It’s kind of ironic that writing is now my passion…) I refused to learn anything because studying just seemed to be too hard, so I always underperformed in class, and that frustrated my teachers quite a bit. One thing I vividly remember is me refusing to go to school and my mom having to pull me with force – failing which I was sentenced to a ‘special’ corner in the house. There was one time I refused to do my Mandarin homework – my mom told me that I told my teacher I was a English girl. (What was that supposed to mean…?)

Somehow my parents used a reward approach to convince me to study – a points system where a McDonald’s meal was the award with highest value if I improved in school by finishing my homework. Both my parents and teachers at that time worked on this plan by frequently checking on my homework, especially my Mandarin homework. I remember my teacher giving me a heartfelt compliment – the first time she ever did that to me – the first time I passed my Mandarin language exam with 61 out of 100 marks.

Besides that, they also encouraged me to take part in activities such as Sports Day and the annual concert (I was dancing a dance called the Tree-Flower Dance or something, where I was dressed in green and holding large sunflowers on both hands) and make new friends every week. For that aspect, I remember Mom bringing me to class with a cardboard, asking me to write down 5 names of friends that I said hi to every week.

All that effort on our part somehow culminated in me doing better in school, and eventually led up to being the best student in the school in our final exams. I was given a nice big colourful stationary set – in Standard One I had basically pretty stationary thanks to this gift – at the end of the school year.

Back to the topic of being first. I have experienced success, but failure even more. Perhaps you don’t see it, but for every success that I enjoy, there are countless failures in other aspects that I experience. I have to admit that I hate failure a lot – I remember feeling really hopeless for failing my driving test again and again and again, and coming home from school in tears when I fail exams in school. I think at times that success can make me happy, but somehow, failure has its use – it keeps me humble and in my place, and it pushes me out of complacency to striving for improvement.

My first placing in class now is only a relative term, because the truth is that my grade point average actually dropped from the previous assessment – a failure of sorts , that is.

One last thought to ponder. How would you feel when someone else does better than you? In my case, I can’t say that I am 100 per cent envy-free when others excel or pose a challenge in something that I was supposed to be good in, and this can affect how genuinely happy I feel for that person – deep down I did wish I did better! However, it’s a fact that there will be always people that are better than me in stuff, so I guess it’s a let go and focus on beating my previous score in every aspect. Besides, competition can be real fun way of pushing myself and my competitors forward :)

Competition is real fun. About that, I think I saw the flower first...
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Images (other than the birthday picture, which is mine - no copying!) taken from here and here.