----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note before post: From next week until the end of September I'll be posting study related notes here only.
I'll still update the daily but the main blog will be on studies so that I don't get distracted. I hope my notes can help. The same goes for the whole length of November and December (until 13/12, last day :D)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breaking free is...
Breaking free is...
(okay, that was a digression :P)
In the simplest language that I can come up with, breaking free = stop worrying about what people think!
I have always been somewhat hesitant of attending social events or talking to certain groups of people where there are familiar folks - no, not new people (that's a different thing all together) but rather some familiar folks who know me for years.
The rationale: With new folks, they don't know your history, your bad habits, the labels people slap on you and you can always put your best front forward and start anew. They didn't need to know about the shameful mistakes you did in the past.
But with some people you know for so many years, the idea that you made some scene in your class 5 years ago is still somewhat fresh in people's mind (if they choose to recall it). Naturally small stuff will be forgotten by most, but what if you were so silly that you betrayed a friend, acted rudely towards a teacher, or simply had a rep that you can't shake off for years? Will those be remembered, even after apologies are offered?
I worry (this is my worries and does not imply that people think that way) that people will always remember me as needy, sensitive, selfish, and a popularity queen wannabe, that I would use tears and leave emo messages to people so that they would pay attention to me, that I am a desperate weirdo that is somewhat smart and talented but unhappy (does talent matter anyway if you can't get along with people?)
Won't it be weird if someone who didn't really talk to you for years and has always kept to herself/himself suddenly becomes friendly? Weird right?
But you know what? I'm going to break free regardless. I'd rather be perceived as weird (and again, this is my rather negative perception instead of reality) or while rather that keep to myself my entire life, spilling my daily ration of words on my family - their ears are rather tough for bearing with my mouth - and ending up miserable.
My mom was afraid to approach people just like me too when she was younger, but she asked for help from the Lord and today, she can strike up rather tough bargains with salespeople that are either mistaken with higher prices or looking to take a few more RM for profit. That is just one example of my mom's current bravery, she keeps it low profile but I'm proud of my mom :). So I have the best example right home.
The recipe for me now = reduce word rations to my family and expand them to
The rationale: With new folks, they don't know your history, your bad habits, the labels people slap on you and you can always put your best front forward and start anew. They didn't need to know about the shameful mistakes you did in the past.
But with some people you know for so many years, the idea that you made some scene in your class 5 years ago is still somewhat fresh in people's mind (if they choose to recall it). Naturally small stuff will be forgotten by most, but what if you were so silly that you betrayed a friend, acted rudely towards a teacher, or simply had a rep that you can't shake off for years? Will those be remembered, even after apologies are offered?
I worry (this is my worries and does not imply that people think that way) that people will always remember me as needy, sensitive, selfish, and a popularity queen wannabe, that I would use tears and leave emo messages to people so that they would pay attention to me, that I am a desperate weirdo that is somewhat smart and talented but unhappy (does talent matter anyway if you can't get along with people?)
Won't it be weird if someone who didn't really talk to you for years and has always kept to herself/himself suddenly becomes friendly? Weird right?
But you know what? I'm going to break free regardless. I'd rather be perceived as weird (and again, this is my rather negative perception instead of reality) or while rather that keep to myself my entire life, spilling my daily ration of words on my family - their ears are rather tough for bearing with my mouth - and ending up miserable.
My mom was afraid to approach people just like me too when she was younger, but she asked for help from the Lord and today, she can strike up rather tough bargains with salespeople that are either mistaken with higher prices or looking to take a few more RM for profit. That is just one example of my mom's current bravery, she keeps it low profile but I'm proud of my mom :). So I have the best example right home.
The recipe for me now = reduce word rations to my family and expand them to
- school friends (okay but still needs work i.e less FB chat and more face to face),
- church friends (this one really needs work especially among my own peers. I'm a mouse over there. If only they read this blog :P),
- elders (generally better than above 2 categories but need to ask more questions from outside family e.g teachers) and
- strangers, with caution of course (up to date I have yet to strike up conversations with friendly strangers - they always come to me first)
No comments:
Post a Comment