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I liked him for so long. And I still do.
A couple months ago I wrote this post about my feelings towards someone that remains and will remain unnamed. Today, my feelings haven't faded away yet.
I can't deny that I still like (infatuation not love, my rational mind tells me) him. I still get nervous and happy at the same time when thinking about, chatting with or talking to him. Seriously, even writing or reading his name gives me butterflies in my heart, let alone seeing a picture of him or looking at him. Ah, those eyes, I fear that they can look through me and read all that I was thinking about him!
But I know it's impossible to be together with him for a couple of strong reasons, with beliefs being the main reason. For me personally dating isn't something where I can simply go out with the first hot or charming guy that sweeps me off my feet; they [dates] can eventually be potential husband material, and for that I need to choose someone who shares my beliefs and not otherwise or else, I probably will break his heart and vice versa due to disagreements over beliefs and principles in the future, and to prevent that from happening I decided not to go steady with anyone outside genuine (not cults!) Christian circles. Yup, call me old-fashioned if you want, but I have made up my mind on this issue. (BTW, I won't discriminate on race though, hopefully when the time comes as I ideally think now.)
Another reason involves my maturity to handle romantic relationships - I will get emotionally attached to my boyfriend and it will affect everything else because I don't know how to balance love and everything else yet unlike many other young adults out there. If I get jilted, can I handle it? At this moment, I doubt it. That's why my folks discourage me from dating now - they know this current weakness of mine. At least not until I can handle all this stuff constructively.
Finally, there's the familiar uncertainty of getting rejected - especially when I know we come from completely different worlds. I don't fully understand why I am drawn to him in the first place! The odds seem to be stacked against me, and I know I'm probably going to be disappointed for, as the saying goes, bertepuk sebelah tangan. I can't tell what he thinks about me at all. And even if the 0.1 percent of probability that he does like me is true, I would have to reject him for the other two reasons above.
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I do wonder why I feel this way towards someone that I cannot have. In fact, the fact that it's kinda forbidden and unreachable makes me think of him more. I try not to blame circumstances or fate; I know that I'm probably blinded by "love" right now. I secretly imagine what it is like to have him like me, but that in real life would do me more harm than good.
Perhaps someday he will be gone from my life and the old adage "out of sight, out of mind" will work, allowing me to move on. However, how do I handle the feelings that I have towards him now, as it is still there? Avoid communication with him all I want and I still can't get him off my mind, still. Is this "feelings" something that I need to learn to live with for now and in the future? I guess so.
The best way is to be friends - good friends - and don't be carried away by thoughts of him to my own detriment. But to forget all past lovey-dovey thoughts about him? I really don't know if that is feasible yet, but what I can do is thank God for this remnant of teenage life (and as my age creeps towards the end of teenage-hood - turning 20 next year here!) that is actually kinda exciting and a once-in-a- lifetime stage, a lesson in life.
Images taken from here and here.
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