He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not...?

Today I'm going to rant about my first *like*, so be warned beforehand...(!)

If you'd been following my posts for some time now, you now know that I have a first love, and that I have experienced heartbreak too because of all those feelings that follow, you know, when someone gives you some sense of hope but that hope is unfounded, and that it was almost a beautiful illusion that elated me for a season?

I'm just going to be straight to the point by telling the story and invite you, my reader, to help me untangle the mess inside my brain. It's all because of this thing called love...liking and admiring to be exact that kind of confuses me. However, I do also think that at the back of my brain somewhere is the assurance that you'd most likely understand how I feel. Young love is an universal experience, isn't it?

However, of course, his identity is and will remain top secret. Only I know about it, and I'm not telling. It's just too dangerous to reveal everything. What if someone I know blackmails me about this? And what would he go through, what would he feel if he knew? 

It's funny, actually. A 19-year-old with a 13-year-old experience: when someone suddenly becomes special. To me, he just treats me right, and there's an awful lot that I like about this guy, somehow. For someone who has experienced only two distant but real crushes before this, this one was different before simply because we actually communicate with each other, unlike the other two whom I only admired yet had not much communication whatsoever, i.e they didn't take much initiative and/or interest in my life as much as I took interest in theirs. 

Maybe as a relative newbie in the area of different-gender friendships, I had wrongly and immaturely elevated this dude into crush-like-hood instead of...I don't know, good friend, friend or just a mere acquaintance? (I invented this word, okay?) But no matter how hard I try to brush him off my mind, I can't. Because to me, he had already become my first love, and a first love is something that I wouldn't forget for a long, long time.

I do wonder if it's all right to like someone now, because I know I'm not ready for any commitment with anyone in a relationship now, and I'll be wise enough to leave that issue to my 20s instead, where I can make informed decisions. As I said in another related post, as a flower that has yet to reach full bloom, if I give my heart away to another guy now, I'm destined for heartbreak and sadness, as not only have I not reached full understanding about what love and commitment is all about, but also leave scars in not only my heart but his heart as well. I still stand strong in this, and my first love would not become my first couple. Enough said.

Besides, I know that we can't be together, due to many, many reasons. Besides, I can't even imagine it, as it'll be absolutely awkward to me that there's this dude that's somehow tied up with me somewhat, for now.

However, even when my rational mind steps in to tell me to forget him and move on, my heart is still somewhat hooked on thoughts of him. Often when I think about it, I sometimes feel like telling him everything, and after all the revelations, ask him if he will understand and that if we still can be good friends without any awkward feelings, because it does ache keeping all this to myself, and I do think that if I was frank with him, and everything turns out well, those feelings would naturally fade by itself, and we'll be where we first started.

But then my rational mind tells me that that would be the most stupid thing to do, because naturally not only would he be taken aback and feel overwhelmed about the whole thing, but he might avoid and stay away from any form of communication with me, and that not only would hurt me terribly and make him feel funny, but it may also permanently severe any line of friendship or acquaintance-ship that I ever had with him, and I wouldn't want that to happen. Therefore, for the sake of preserving friendship, I will not tell him anything. 

But what if he accidentally finds out? What then can I do? I would have no idea at all! That would just be so wrong. Why can't everyone be frank about how they feel towards people? Why all the secrecy, mystery, false hopes, and mixed signals? If only I can understand how he thinks!

So, until today, I still wonder from time to time what he really thinks about me. Does he like me, admire me, even think about me, even though as just the least of friends? Do I even matter, and is there anything in me that is outstanding to him? But many times, I resign from wandering such things, because I most likely will never know the answer, and I just go on with life as usual, leaving those thoughts.

I've read this post somewhere on Facebook: When you're young and sweet, dear girl, please remember the kind of love that you had for the guy whom you had fallen for, because that is the most innocent kind of liking and admiration that you'll ever have towards any guy, because as you grow older, love becomes complicated. I do agree to this thought to a certain extent, since young love is innocent, but I think that as we grow, love matures, too, despite its complications, and I'll definitely reserve the utmost romantic devotion to my future husband (whoever he may be).

Now, knowing the facts, I'm still contemplating. So, dear friends, dudes and girls alike, what do you think I should do about this? How do I learn to live with these feelings that are so real yet so human at the same time? I do rest, in the end, that now is not yet my time to love like that, and my time will come, a time that God has prepared for me, that I'll meet the one who'll become my life partner, complete me and capture my heart (after God I mean).