Two Poems

Cold

Part 1

Wind blew on your shoulders.

Your hair

Swept across your face

Shielding you

From the chilly breeze

Your jacket

Snug across your torso

Shielding you

From the biting cold

The temperature rises.

But who can deny

The prevailing

cold?

Part 2

Like a monument in snow

There you stand

At the pinnacle of the hill

Admired, adored

A mark for the community

A shelter of hope

There you stand

With much significance.

But it's still cold.

Ice cold.

Part 3

Snow, why won't you stop?

Walls, why won't you break?

Gaps, why aren't you bridged?

Even when you stand tall

Does anyone know

That you're freezing?

Won't you let go

And let in a little warmth

To grow?

Melt!

Spark

Start a fire

In this cold, dark place

Where walls

Are ten feet tall

The house has been

In lifeless ice

Even with it's magnificence

There is no glow

From within

The snow has thickened

The walls are strong

The gap has widened

A spark 

Gives life and warmth

to the cold heart.

Ignite!

Copyright © 2011. 

A Debbie W. original piece.

Images taken from here and here.

Why I choose Law

Today's post would fit in the 'get to know the author' category. :)

One of my cousins asked me this question (the title of this post) during a recent celebration in my family (my grandmother's 80th birthday) and now I'm feeling compelled to write an entire blog post about it. Haha. She wasn't the first one to ask me that question -- many, many people have questioned the rationale of me choosing what can be regarded as the hardest social science major among others -- as my prospective major for my first degree.

Well, since you were wondering, I'll break it down for you. 

But first, some history about my career realization.

When the subject of career options first entered my conscious mind in Form Four (we had our first career talk in school then), everything was Greek to me. What were they talking about? Majors, college, degree, diploma, course...all were pretty alien terms back then. All I vaguely remember from there is that we should choose based on what we were interested in: hobbies, talents, whatnot. And apparently all the smartest kids in school should take up medicine (no offence medicine students...I'm referring to the popular belief that smart students = future doctors.)

The first major that I listed as my preference a year later, at another career fair where we had opportunities to inquire about the majors that we liked, wasn't law; it was mass communication. Today, it still remains my second choice, due to its prerequisites and my interest, which is the study or written expression of what is happening in society.

However, my choices were not fixed at that time. I knew that there were a lot of other majors besides the more familiar ones people were talking about such as doctor, engineer, pharmacy, architect...(weird enough at that time law as a popular option was pretty alien to me as I was still in the science stream then), and that there may be one that was more suitable for me...or not. That was when I decided to do some research about it. One of the best resources that I found very useful for post-SPM time research is doctorjob's A to Z booklet of courses and jobs, which lists down what will be studied as well as the prerequisites for each course. I mail ordered it for RM5 then. That time was when I found out more about other courses, including law.

That was some history for you. Back to the question, here's why I kind of decided on law for next year:

• I have personally defined law as the study of the regulations that govern a society to enable harmony and peace in a country and also inter-country (internationally). For a more detailed (and proper) explanation, click here. 
• Issues such as equality, social justice and impartiality have been important (dear) to me since a young age, and I think that by studying law I can know more about these concepts and more importantly, do something to contribute to the practice of these concepts in society. 
• It has been said that law is a study subject where tons of statutes, acts and orders need to be digested -- and all these knowledge is mostly unknown to people in general, i.e many people are unaware of their rights, and I would like to be able to make people more aware of their rights so that irresponsible parties don't take advantage of clients by finding loopholes, changing the terms in a contract, etc., thus bettering society.
• Why, you ask? I cannot deny that I'm a studious person, and I'd always been pretty consistent with my study performance due to the fact that I can digest information fast, since young, so I take studying this subject as challenging, yet I know that if I work hard I can do it because God has blessed me with a brain and I want to maximize its capability, pushing myself harder and stronger.
• Reading and writing, especially the latter, are my favorite things to do. I like keeping up on current issues, and as long as I'm not being lazy (ouch) I'll study on them, reading opinions and trends, etc. 
• Law also calls for the sensitivity to the points and errors made by both parties, as well as the skill to counter them, and I've been training these skills in daily life. I like it, actually, as it helps one to understand the viewpoints of others and strengthen your own ones. (In terms of interpersonal relationships, however, it does helps to be sensitive to people...but not too sensitive! I undeniably need a lot of work on that part...)
• Besides...I do love to argue, and I have strong opinions on a lot of issues (I do review my opinions from time to time though). Most of you don't know this, but my family members and more recently, my classmates can attest to that, since I am more vocal around them about these sort of things (think debating!). ;)

And that, my friend, is basically why I choose law. I'm not 100 percent sure that it's the best mistakes, but sometimes you'll only know after studying the subject for some time. Until then, law is still my first choice...

Slight detour: If you wonder why I don't blog about current issues more often, it's because (honestly) factual articles are hard to write in a short period of time, and factual errors are risky business. Quoting from this article (emphasis mine):

The purpose of writing an unbiased and factual article is to relay information in a simple and straightforward manner, giving both sides of a situation or story without the writer having a need to express personal feeling.
Writing this type of article can be difficult at times because, after all, the writer is human and may or may not have a strong positive or negative opinion on the particular topic they are writing about.

Writing a factual piece is almost like writing for Time or Newsweek, where I'll need tons of time, information, and citations, not to mention that this is a personal blog where I am entitled to my right of opinion, which may or may not have a bias (I try not to sometimes). Studying law, then, would make me become able to write that kind of stuff more often, and enrich my mind.

That being said, perhaps I'll be working on a more factual piece for my next blog post. Stay tuned! :)

PS: If you asked me for my dream job, I'd actually like to be a columnist . Imagine getting paid for your opinion, where people would enjoy when written in an factual yet insightful manner :) However, that's more of an interest, a 'side thing' to me as compared to my main major (lawyer cum regular columnist for ... daily/magazine). Only time can tell on that one...

Image taken from here.

Aptitude + Attitude = Altitude

Today's post is based on something I've heard at an educational talk in KDU College today on improving our English language. However, I'm not going to blog about linguistics; instead, I'm going to discuss a quote that the speaker mentioned about today: "Aptitude plus attitude determine your altitude."

Truly, after some thought, I had to agree, and apply personally, that the combined states of one's heart and mind crucially determines how much one can gain from events in life, and thus determines how far one will go in the long run.

Let me illustrate with an example. 

Perhaps there's this social studies project that your teacher wants you to do, and that she expects you to give a report on. However, this assignment carries no extra marks for your major exams whatsoever and is more of an enhancement activity. The instructions for the project is simple enough: you were asked to go and teach any main subject in a kindergarten for a day and report your experiences back in class. 

Now, let's assume that there are two fictional students in the situation I just mentioned earlier, and we'll call them 'A' and 'B'. Both students know that they need to do this project and report their experiences, and they went ahead and did it. Both had no prior experience in teaching, let alone dealing with kids. But that's where their similarities end.

Student A is pretty smart, and he is even one of the top scorers in class. However, in the area of dealing with little ones, he has zero experience. He has previously developed preconceived notions of children: that they are troublesome, they won't pay attention to people, and you have to bribe them to answer a question that you ask. Therefore, he thinks that the project is actually a waste of his weekend time that otherwise could be used for more interesting activities. So, on the day of the project, he grudgingly goes to the kindergarten with some friends, who are equally reluctant to do this, and does the activities that he had planned. When the kids make noise or come to him with seemingly troublesome requests, he ignores them or asks someone else to deal with them. At the end of the day, he goes back to prepare his report just as he was required to do, wishing that the kids were let off earlier so that he can go home faster.

Student B is pretty bright too, but he's not as bright in class as Student A. Like his classmate, he too has no previous experience in dealing with kids. However, he is willing to learn more about it. So, before the day of the project, he does some research on not only what to teach kids, but how to teach them effectively by surfing the Net, as well as ask the opinions of his teachers and parents, whom he knew have first hand kid-rearing experiences. (They all do -- after all, we were once kids too!) On the day of the project, he collaborates with his friends, assigning them various tasks to do based on their individual areas of strength, and motivates them to do it as they will learn new and beneficial things. The team worked together with the kids, and at the end of the day, everyone was tired, but they had a good time getting to know the little ones that they met.

Guess who, in the end, gave a better report, and more importantly, gained the most, both personally and in terms of contribution to others? In my opinion, it is student B.

Both students were given the exact same task to do. However, Student A chose to take the task at hand as unimportant and unworthy of his time, whereas Student B decided to take the task as a new challenge and learn it first-hand. Both students started with a choice of aptitude (how we feel about something) and attitude (what we think about something), and their initial choices determined their altitude (the outcome and its effect on them thereof).

Inevitably, we experience both positive and negative attitudes when a new task or challenge comes our way. If we like what we are about to do, we experience positive reinforcement, and vice versa. But even with that there are negative attitudes that come with positive events (i.e if you were asked to sing on stage, which is what you absolutely love to do, but then anxiety and stage fright start to enter the picture...get me?) and the other way around too. 

However, what determines the outcome isn't so much how we feel or think, but how we choose to react to what we feel and think.

We can choose to take every experience, no matter how boring, unpleasant, or unappealing it my be, and turn it into a lesson that we can learn from life. We can either not bother to do a certain task well, and just drag our feet throughout the entire process, or we can give it our all and learn something, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant that thing may be, that can be applied in our daily lives. And in the end, everyone benefits from how we choose to react to the situations in our life.

There was this time I learned that we should use the word 'saya' in addressing oneself when talking to elders instead of 'aku', and that happened while I was talking (or more accurately, pouring out my troubles) to a teacher about something else. And until now, I remember it clearly...and my BM has improved a little thanks to that chance incident.

Back to our topic, some of you may wonder: "What you are saying is the ideal. However, we live in reality and life is not a bed of roses! Is it even real to take everything so...positively?"

Well, I pondered on this one for quite a bit, and in the process I had to admit that I often dwell a lot on negative thoughts and as a result, don't act proactively -- talk about really contrasting with the things that I've been learning and blogging about! However, if you know me, I blog about the lessons that I learn in life, and when a timely reminder or a nudge from someone stirs me up in a reflective mood and I think about how to improve, well I'll blog about it in the hopes that both me and my readers can benefit from it. 

Well, life really does suck pretty often, I have to admit, and we have to be realistic with our thoughts (in the sense that we properly label something bad as something bad and not suggest otherwise), but what I'm advocating is (perhaps this may come across as pretty extreme) assuming a positive attitude instead of a negative one, because as it has been said, 'we are what we think', and dwelling on productive thoughts (what I can do to solve the problem, followed by action) instead of unproductive ones (replaying a bad experience over and over in my head), I believe, helps us to get on with life better. :)

Side note: About the images that I've been using for my blog posts, all of them are used (where permission to use the image is not restricted) under a Creative Commons licence from Flickr.. From now on, to further respect the copyrights of picture owners, I will source every image used in this blog by providing a source link. 

Today's image is taken from here.

On weaknesses...yup, they're annoying.

Nobody's perfect. That's a fact.

Flaws, weak points, thorns in the flesh -- whatever you call them, those are the habits, big and small, that irk you but at the same time seem to come back to you somewhat. And not only are they annoying to us personally, they  (more importantly) get on other people's nerves as well.

Weaknesses exist, I personally believe, in our own human nature, and we can also 'inherit' them from our surroundings, family members, media influences, etc. Today, I'm gonna elaborate on some of my main weaknesses (even if this leaves me feeling exposed in some way, I'm doing this as an effort to be more transparent), as well as some ideas that I've learned on how to deal with the weaknesses that we have.

(If you were wondering, yes, I actually do have a desire to rant, but my blog policy is that even rants are to be beneficial to you, my reader, since every experience is a learning opportunity, i.e don't repeat the mistakes that I have done!)

One of my main weaknesses that I have since young is the fear of taking risks. Maybe it was the sheltered environment that I was born into, where everything was done for me (Don't be mistaken: I'm very blessed to have loving parents, but at a young age I didn't force myself to toughen up), and whenever there was a chance for adventure in my early days, I refused it, choosing to minding my own business. I absolutely regret not venturing out at a young age and doing more things by myself instead of shying away, because at this age of late adolescence, to do many things that require guts would take a lot of willpower for me to do so, and it's worsened by the fact that at 18 going on 19, people expect you to be able to do a lot of stuff already...

One of the most obvious examples of this is every time I meet a random adult I know, they're bound to ask me if I drive my family around already, and then (!) I have to embarrassingly admit that I can count the number of times I took my mom's car out with my fingers after passing my driving test(5), and even that was with my mom beside me(sighs). Today, my mom casually commented that the only thing that was her concern if she were to go on vacation is our mobility, meaning that if I can confidently drive everyone around, she'd have no other major worries. Hmm...now thinking about that, it can be also a compliment of sorts, meaning that I can now gao dim or handle everything else already, and driving is just one (huge) step away from more independence.

Another weakness of mine that irks me a lot is my disability to catch what people say to me in conversation for the first time. This doesn't happen in learning, surprisingly, as I believe that God had blessed me with the natural ability to learn and adapt fast to whatever that I'm taught, intellectually, but when it comes to relating with people, I don't have this same strength! People need to repeat to me a few times something that was being said before I finally 'get it'. And if I was worried about losing face and didn't ask the other person to repeat the question again, I'd be stuck in blur-ness and make huger blunders afterward...! This weakness can also be tied to my lack of experience in social matters, no thanks to the fact that yours truly here is a social late bloomer...(that's actually a positive term to me, because late is always better than never, right?)

I can drone on and on about the weaknesses that I have, and at times I'm tempted even more to complain about the weaknesses of those around me. I know, complaining can seem pretty justified at times, especially when someone drives you up the wall, and you just want to go on and on about the person to release your anger towards them. On a bad day, it gets worse -- sometimes I feel like screaming in people's face or choking them out of anger...! I'm sure that you, my reader, have had those kind of days, too.

However, I also hold on to this life principle that prolonged complaining doesn't solve anything, and when it carries on, can get the air pretty toxic at times and only makes things worse, where the people you complain to add more and more fuel to the fire. Personally, I think that when we are not happy with someone, we should either honestly tell the person straight (if that person is close enough to you, and even then you tell them in a proper way), or, most of the time, talk about it and then (!) leave it, or even better, take a piece of paper and rant all about it (this is surprisingly therapeutic), or, as a Christian, I'd pray about it and leave my cares to God, as He has said in His word, "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. (1 Peter 5:7)", as well as (prayer) builds my relationship with Him. (now this I need to do more often)

So what can we do about these weaknesses that at times, bound us so often like how a computer virus takes on software? Well, I think that the solution to it is kinda simple actually, but at the same time, easier said than done for me and you alike:

• accept the fact that we are imperfect humans, so we are bound to make mistakes at one time or another, but
• identify them and work on improving in specific weaknesses. It's important that we do it one step at a time, because huge goals have the tendency to overwhelm us and make us more tempted to procrastinate and eventually give up. For example, if I wanted to improve in the area of taking initiative, I can start by perhaps asking at least one question in class, by striking up a conversation with one person outside my close friend circle (aka comfort zone), etc.
• Don't mentally critic ourselves whenever we make mistakes. I tend to do that most of the time, due to a more introspective nature (which I actually am pursuing change in, as to be more other-centered than thinking about my own actions all the time). Instead, (I tried this recently and it actually worked :)) just think through it, decide on the next plan of action, and move on.

Hope today's post helped us all give some thought to, and consider about what are weaknesses and how to deal with them. Of course, acknowledging my somewhat lack of experience in life, feel free to share your methods of dealing with weaknesses here :)

Craving The Spotlight: The Popularity Trap (Part 2)

A side note before Part 2 of this series on popularity: (do scroll down to read the post after this)

-I'm back! These few days have been kind of busy, but now with mid-year MUET out of the way, I'm more free to blog today. Besides, I did mention on FB that I will blog either yesterday or today. Here I am, guys :) By the way, as I promised earlier, I have updated my MUET speaking post (scroll down all the way to the end there) and have posted the actual question that came out (there were many questions, I'm just posting the one that our group got) in this year's exam, and I'll be posting not just the speaking question but the writing one as well. To all future MUET candidates, happy practicing!

Now for the actual post.

I've always wanted to be noticed since young.

Since young, I'd always loved the spotlight, and the fact that I was naturally able to learn fast made attention easy to come by. Even in kindergarten, my love for being noticed showed. I got 1st place in the entire school when we were about to graduate to primary school a year after. The principal promptly gave me a nicely wrapped stationary set in front of all the students and teachers. I was really floating in the air then. Don't get me mistaken here, it's not that I purposely do well in my studies to get attention, but the fact that I can study has made attention seeking easier.

Long story short, in the first two years in every school that I was in (before Form Six that is, I'm glad that I didn't make that mistake now) I was sensitive enough to identify the queen bees of the school -- you know, the ones who are adored by everyone in the school. They're the outspoken ones, the talented ones, the ones who just know the right things to say to the right time. Even though I used to think that these girls were snobs, but now I believe that I thought so due to pure envy and that they just so happen to have appealing personalities that many people look up to. Being so desperate for attention but timid at the same time, I tried my best to get the attention of such people, but most of the time these people just either ignored me or were friendly to me, but didn't consider me as part of them. 

I now realize that many of the friends that I attract naturally are for the most part down to earth, friendly, and even though they may not be the ones that are always the center of attention, loud and make people swoon, in close observation they have a close-knitted group of friends and many of them are respected for their principles by the others around them. 

However, I made the mistake, more than once, to disregard or not pay too much attention to these quality, potential best friends, as I thought that they won't help me climb up the social ladder, in pursuit of the popular. In the end, not only did I lose good friends due to this choosiness that I'd practiced in relationships, but also not gain the friendship of those who I so desperately tried to please, just like that Malay saying: yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran. It was a real lose-lose situation, and I walked away after all the drama rejected and school life just became a tad bit lonelier.

Chasing popularity was what ate me up inside through my school years. It made me envious, made me covetous, made me unfocused, uncaring, and I took people for granted while always looking out for my own interests, and made me hurt the hearts of others around me, and in the end, caused me unnecessary misery.

So, to you who are reading this short yet honest confessions of an ex-queen bee wannabe, here's a sincere message from me to you: The glamour, the pride, and the 'high' that you get from being identified with the popular won't last, because what's most important is whether they will be there for you and whether you have the heart to do likewise, and only time and investment in people's lives will tell whether people truly care and bring out the best in you. The best friends that you can have is those who will accept you no matter if you are loud or quiet; vocal or reserved; weird or serious; those who, even though they may love different colours of the rainbow and prefer vanilla while you prefer chocolate, still are willing to share their joys and tears with you.

So no matter how tempting, how tempting it is to ditch those who really matter to you with those who everyone wants to be with, but may or may not care about you as much, please consider what you are going to lose in the process. For me, I lost everything that mattered to me in a friendship. Please, think about what is  more important in the long run: social mileage and power (and all the drama and scuffles that may come with it), or the trust and genuine concern of true friends?

I've learned that it's okay, even natural to like to be in the spotlight, as that is the natural character trait of some people (ironically, that includes me too -- my extroverted part is hidden under wraps often, as when you contrast the girl you see in real life with my non face-to-face alter egos such as Facebook), but making it the consuming aim, as a measure to measure how successful one is, will do more damage than good.

Good night :)

Craving The Spotlight: The Popularity Trap (Part 1)

What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little. – Lord Byron

Some people just want to be famous.

For fame, people are willing to do anything – either they excel in a certain talent, such as those in the arts, or do something really outrageous. How many weird and unusual reality show audition videos have you watched lately? People would do the most outlandish sort of things for those 15 seconds of fame that they are going to have, all in the hope that people remember them for something.

People can be famous for leaving legacies, such as internationally famous Mother Theresa, Florence Nightingale, Thomas Edison, Martin Luther King Jr., or some examples closer to home such as Dato’ Siti Nurhaliza, Dato’ Lee Chong Wei, Nicol David and many others, both locally and around the world who have become a source of inspiration to many people.

People can also be infamous, such as Adolf Hitler and Pol Pot for the crimes that they have committed towards segments of humanity; famous for raw talent and/or good looks such as Justin Timberlake, Jesse Mccartney and recently, Justin Bieber; or famous for being rebellious and controversial like Madonna and Lady Gaga. In short, people can become famous for different reasons.

However, fame can really get to people. For example, there are many innocent starlets who started out singing simple love songs but get dirtier as they become adults due to the demands of producers, because that is what sells, that is what people want, and they make us wonder what happened to the teenage sensation that at one time, even that 4-year old down the street would say to you that she’s his or her biggest fan. Where have values and principles gone? Fame can make people forget who they really are in pursuit of the spotlight, and throughout the process we may lose what really matters for the thrill of attention rush and generally being liked and noticed by a lot of people.

Sometimes, fame isn’t all that lasts in the end, and chasing it feels like you want something real bad but getting nothing except disappointment and disillusionment in the end when what’s really important is gone.

Not that people shouldn’t leave legacies such as some of the famous personalities that I’d mentioned earlier,(by all means you should!) but pursuing fame as the means to happiness or satisfaction or as a measure of success didn’t produce those three elusive qualities to me. How I wished I just got this at a young age…Besides, none of those people who actually left legacies said to themselves when young that they want to be well-known, did they? They just acted on passion and calling, to do what is right and what would help people.

Up until this point, I’ve described in general what fame is in our world today, in my opinion. Forgive me for being really brief now, but in part 2 of this series on the popularity trap I’ll describe in detail my own pursuit of popularity, which is admittedly a lifelong struggle to me still, and the painful lessons that I learned, relearned and am going to relearn up until now.

All I really want to say is popularity isn’t everything, and from experience I’m going to relate a story to you.

Stay tuned…

Embarrassing Moments

While finding material when doing a MUET writing exercise for school about face-to-face communication, I came across this quote that went something like this: No amount of red blushing smileys can express how deeply embarrassed someone really is, and how they really want to find a hole and escape somewhere where no one can see them.

It holds true for everyone: we all had those times where we somewhat became a laughing stock to others and our face turns bright red.

Just this Thursday I and one of my best friends had reasons to turn red. I admit that we were guilty as charged. The crime: We came in late after recess, thanks to us taking our time to walk back to class instead of running back. Maybe I took it too easy, but the moment we entered class everyone looked at us one kind, and from my teacher's expression we were going to be punished. I was right -- we were asked to sing the national anthem in front of the entire class. Only the two of us singing our hearts out, I mean. 

In the end, to appease everyone, I did sing, but now thinking about it I didn't sing my best. (Another best friend took the 'trouble' to record the whole ordeal. Wow, I'm relieved that the recording is not public) I know that I could have definitely did a better job, since (no bragging intended) music is in my genes somewhat, but I did a sloppy job up there. I was unwilling to look silly, period, and I am glad that with God's help I managed not to turn sour the entire day after that and still laugh about it later. A small step in maturity :)

Naturally, there are a few folks in our lives that are very sporting and not so image-conscious, and can do silly stuff and make everyone have a good laugh about it later. Yup, you know them: they clown around and make themselves look silly, and even if (brace yourself for this one, I'm using an extreme example here) they were to accidentally release a loud burp or fart in front of everyone they can still humorously say 'Oops, my bad' and laugh it away. ;)

However, some of us don't have that sort of temperament when it comes to those kind of moments. At that time where we were asked to sing, I felt the need to take care of my (kind of) bruised ego while being laughed at by the entire class. In the same week I needed to apologize publicly and privately to others quite many times, and honestly, when you read this you'd know that I often do struggle with my own ego -- even though I know and will do certain things due to strong principles that I hold to, that it's the right thing to do, I would still feel embarrassed and taken aback throughout. 

Have you ever thought that you had to be flawless? On this, I learned this wisdom:

It's said that when people let down their perfect images that they are trying to portray to the world and be let down in a moment of weakness, people tend to be able to relate to that person better simply due to the human-ness that they show in those moments: He/she's just like us, and we become more approachable when we let the images that we try to define ourselves go and just be normal, just be ourselves, allowing people to laugh at us, and most importantly, when we are able to laugh at ourselves.

Now that's true maturity in my opinion.

You know what? Dropping my image just may be one of the best favors that I can do for myself in life, and I think that we should all do that too, releasing those inhibitions of image-consciousness and perfectionism that so often stifle us from reaching our true potential.

The next time I make a mistake, I'm going to try not to fret so much about it.

And I'm going to look back at those little moments and laugh. :)

He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not...?

Today I'm going to rant about my first *like*, so be warned beforehand...(!)

If you'd been following my posts for some time now, you now know that I have a first love, and that I have experienced heartbreak too because of all those feelings that follow, you know, when someone gives you some sense of hope but that hope is unfounded, and that it was almost a beautiful illusion that elated me for a season?

I'm just going to be straight to the point by telling the story and invite you, my reader, to help me untangle the mess inside my brain. It's all because of this thing called love...liking and admiring to be exact that kind of confuses me. However, I do also think that at the back of my brain somewhere is the assurance that you'd most likely understand how I feel. Young love is an universal experience, isn't it?

However, of course, his identity is and will remain top secret. Only I know about it, and I'm not telling. It's just too dangerous to reveal everything. What if someone I know blackmails me about this? And what would he go through, what would he feel if he knew? 

It's funny, actually. A 19-year-old with a 13-year-old experience: when someone suddenly becomes special. To me, he just treats me right, and there's an awful lot that I like about this guy, somehow. For someone who has experienced only two distant but real crushes before this, this one was different before simply because we actually communicate with each other, unlike the other two whom I only admired yet had not much communication whatsoever, i.e they didn't take much initiative and/or interest in my life as much as I took interest in theirs. 

Maybe as a relative newbie in the area of different-gender friendships, I had wrongly and immaturely elevated this dude into crush-like-hood instead of...I don't know, good friend, friend or just a mere acquaintance? (I invented this word, okay?) But no matter how hard I try to brush him off my mind, I can't. Because to me, he had already become my first love, and a first love is something that I wouldn't forget for a long, long time.

I do wonder if it's all right to like someone now, because I know I'm not ready for any commitment with anyone in a relationship now, and I'll be wise enough to leave that issue to my 20s instead, where I can make informed decisions. As I said in another related post, as a flower that has yet to reach full bloom, if I give my heart away to another guy now, I'm destined for heartbreak and sadness, as not only have I not reached full understanding about what love and commitment is all about, but also leave scars in not only my heart but his heart as well. I still stand strong in this, and my first love would not become my first couple. Enough said.

Besides, I know that we can't be together, due to many, many reasons. Besides, I can't even imagine it, as it'll be absolutely awkward to me that there's this dude that's somehow tied up with me somewhat, for now.

However, even when my rational mind steps in to tell me to forget him and move on, my heart is still somewhat hooked on thoughts of him. Often when I think about it, I sometimes feel like telling him everything, and after all the revelations, ask him if he will understand and that if we still can be good friends without any awkward feelings, because it does ache keeping all this to myself, and I do think that if I was frank with him, and everything turns out well, those feelings would naturally fade by itself, and we'll be where we first started.

But then my rational mind tells me that that would be the most stupid thing to do, because naturally not only would he be taken aback and feel overwhelmed about the whole thing, but he might avoid and stay away from any form of communication with me, and that not only would hurt me terribly and make him feel funny, but it may also permanently severe any line of friendship or acquaintance-ship that I ever had with him, and I wouldn't want that to happen. Therefore, for the sake of preserving friendship, I will not tell him anything. 

But what if he accidentally finds out? What then can I do? I would have no idea at all! That would just be so wrong. Why can't everyone be frank about how they feel towards people? Why all the secrecy, mystery, false hopes, and mixed signals? If only I can understand how he thinks!

So, until today, I still wonder from time to time what he really thinks about me. Does he like me, admire me, even think about me, even though as just the least of friends? Do I even matter, and is there anything in me that is outstanding to him? But many times, I resign from wandering such things, because I most likely will never know the answer, and I just go on with life as usual, leaving those thoughts.

I've read this post somewhere on Facebook: When you're young and sweet, dear girl, please remember the kind of love that you had for the guy whom you had fallen for, because that is the most innocent kind of liking and admiration that you'll ever have towards any guy, because as you grow older, love becomes complicated. I do agree to this thought to a certain extent, since young love is innocent, but I think that as we grow, love matures, too, despite its complications, and I'll definitely reserve the utmost romantic devotion to my future husband (whoever he may be).

Now, knowing the facts, I'm still contemplating. So, dear friends, dudes and girls alike, what do you think I should do about this? How do I learn to live with these feelings that are so real yet so human at the same time? I do rest, in the end, that now is not yet my time to love like that, and my time will come, a time that God has prepared for me, that I'll meet the one who'll become my life partner, complete me and capture my heart (after God I mean).

Hard Work and Rewards

We all love rewards, no doubt. But many of us loathe hard work. However, both concepts are more related to each other than we think.
First, I’ll define hard work in my opinion. Hard work is not just limited to physical exertion while doing certain heavy-duty tasks. It is any form of work, be it physical, mental, emotional, intellectual or spiritual, that one puts their heart and soul to start, work on, and finish.
Rewards in this context, then, are the fruits of our labour, as the saying goes, ‘we reap what we sow’. Rewards can also come in many forms, not just in the forms of physical gifts or money, but also intangible yet real qualities such as trust, love, loyalty, peace, joy, sense of fulfilment, feeling good, and others. And from here, it can be deduced that the harder you work, the more fulfilling the reward that you receive. Or is it?
Maybe it was, in good-old times where people were simpler, where most commoners were farmers, toiling away at the fields to feed their families. But now, with new technology introduced frequently at a frantic pace, do people still need to work hard to receive rewards?
If working hard is just about how much of time and effort put into a project, then I think that there are many ways where technology can help us save much time and effort to yield the same results, for example the computer and the Internet are tools that can help us finish our assignments and tasks in a fraction of the time taken if those tasks were to be done by-hand or manually, for example writing an essay, finishing a book or business report, et cetera.
However, working hard is also a mentality. Using my book report example earlier, if two people were required to complete the same book report, and one of them actually went and searched extensively on research materials, citing sources and linking the main ideas in their groups, while the other person just copies and pastes material from a finished book report of the same title that was available, and both passed it up on time and got good grades. My question: Who worked hard? Even though both of them may have used the same amount of time to finish up, the one who worked hard is undoubtedly the first student, because he actually started the book report from scratch. So, when an impromptu quiz is given on the report, the first student actually understands what he read, because he did the research, whereas the second student just copied someone else’s research and claimed it as his own.
It’s disappointing, sometimes, that plagiarism goes undetected and sometimes even encouraged, when teachers, lecturers and bosses allow or don’t take serious action towards those who commit it in ways big or small ways. This fact can be proven by the fact that many sample essay and thesis sites on the Internet receive huge amounts of hits daily, and contract essay writers run a pretty busy business indeed. I won’t go into too much detail on this one, so here’s an article that provides a detailed account on contract essay writing for your knowledge. (And no, even though this career does provide lucrative income, personally I’m not going to encourage people to cheat by writing papers for people and then putting their name there, as if it is their work. Besides, my writings are ‘copyrighted’, because they are my style, my flair. Go find your own!)
Undeniably there will be always people who try to slack, cheat, bribe, cut corners and use other similar means to get more work done faster, cheaper and without much personal cost to themselves, and often they do get away with it. However, these people do miss out on one very important reward that comes with integrity and true effort on their part: the reward of pure satisfaction. People who truly work hard always feel satisfied at the end of their task after putting forth their best effort. A student who invested 110% of her effort in her studies and excelled tends to feel more exhilarated by her success, because she knew and recalled her effort that compared to, say, a student that also excelled with similar achievements but just sailed through with 80% of her effort. That’s why it is said that the labourer’s sleep is the sweetest. When one is truly worn out due to the fact that they did their very best, the joy that ensues is great.
As for the author herself on these topics? I’m glad when I recalled the joy of finishing my secondary school folios by myself, even though there was the temptation to copy them from some Scribd document to save time, and I’m glad that I stood by my principles. However, I still need to word hard on putting forth my best effort, because I admit that when it comes to many things, I didn’t at least give a 100% effort. Just this week, I saw the position list in class (our list is combined for both form 6 classes) and I got 2nd, after half a year of sitting at the top position in the form. (no showing off intended). At the same time where I congratulate my friend who managed to get first place, I’m also glad that I got ‘dethroned’ in a sense because now I am reminded not to sit on my laurels (!) and strive to get my aim, which is (hopefully) a 4.0 CGPA and a band 6 in MUET. Perfect scores I know, but I want to give 110% into achieving it. Coming to think of it, if I was always ‘up there’ then I would have easily become complacent and lazy…
I hope that today’s post can inspire all of us, me and you, to always work hard, because the rewards are the most satisfactory.

Sharing is Caring: My MUET Speaking Experience

After many months of speaking practices and anxious awaiting, the day had arrived.

We were going to take our speaking test on the 4th of April, 2011.

All through the months before today, my lovely MUET teacher had drilled us with various speaking exercises. Often we sat in our discussion group of fours discussing past-year and model questions, but we also enjoyed the frequent spin of public speaking, debating (this one was a favourite in class) and sometimes just plain old sharing of certain experiences. All these helped us as a class to brush up on our English language and speaking skills.

I woke up early in the morning to prepare for school, because I got the early morning session that started at 7.30 a.m, and due to alphabetical arrangements I was assigned in the very first group. (Yup, do you feel my nervousness now?) My mom knew better, as she prepared my favourite breakfast, Indonesian instant noodles (I like Mi Sedap Sambal Goreng with the crispy fried onions…okay I’m getting carried away now, let’s stop talking about food). After that, I left for school with my dad. In the car, I prayed for myself, my group and also the other friends, and that God grant me the courage to do my best and encourage my teammates.

Reaching school, we first gathered in a quarantine room, where we presented our exam slips and ICs to the teacher in charge for checking and filled in some forms. After that, we sat in the room chit-chatting and practicing with each other. Around 7.35am, the two examiners assigned our school came in the room for a short briefing session. Then, the first group was summoned *cue for suspense music* to the exam hall. After well-wishes from the other classmates, my group and I left for the exam hall.

In the exam hall, there are 6 tables arranged in a round-table discussion manner, where the 2 examiners would sit on both sides and the other 4 were indicated places for each candidate to sit. There was the individual exam question, a paper and a pencil pre-prepared for each candidate.

The examiners went through exam protocol, and the exam began, first with the 2 minute individual task and then followed by the 10-minute group discussion. I’ll be clean here and not mention the actual question that was given until mid-year MUET is officially over, because the questions given is the same for every group. (I’ll update this post then.) After the whole thing was over, we were asked to throw away the paper we used to jot down points during the exam, and then the four of us (not-so) quietly left school for our respective homes, while some opted to wait for their friends first.

How did I think of my performance? Well, I didn’t manage to completely finish my individual task within the 2 minute limit, but I did manage to elaborate on all my 3 points. My teammates did quite well too, with two of them showing remarkable improvement. As for the group discussion, our discussion went on relatively structured, as we each took turns and everyone had a chance to speak. Again, I’m personally very proud of my teammates, because they were such good sports and contributed well to the discussion, even though 2 of them (the same two that I mentioned earlier) were not native English speakers themselves. Kudos to them. Well, I’m thinking pretty positive now, but the real outcome would be only be made known much later. If only I knew the examiners’ individual comments on our performance…then can help me improve in my speaking skills.

The imp that I had since the first speaking practice that I had – the lack of eye contact – I am confident that I did maintain eye contact with everyone during the discussion. Thank God!

Well folks, that’s all there is for my experience. I’ll share on the other 3 tests after I’d taken them on the 16th of April. To all sixers, all the best for the 16th and to the rest, I hope that this post can give you a feel of how it’s like to sit for MUET speaking :)

Update (16/4)


The MUET speaking question that we got was this: (This is my abbreviation of the actual question)

In your opinion, which of the following parties are essential for Malaysia to produce more world-class sportsmen and sportswomen?
Candidate A: Parents
Candidate B: Schools
Candidate C: The public
Candidate D: Ministry of Youth and Sports

As for the Writing questions:

• Question 1 (report) was on the profile of professionals aged 18-27 and 46-55 years old at the workplace (position, income, work experience, marital status), as well as their main goals for the year ahead (where 7 goals were compared across both age groups and we needed to compare the rankings). We were required to link the two visuals (in this case both tables) in the report.
• Question 2 (essay) was something like this: "Friendship is the most valuable thing in one's life. Do you agree?"

Questions For You: History

History. Some people have a passion for it, some hate it, and some people just couldn't be bothered with this subject of tales of our world's past. Today I invite you, my reader, to contemplate (and drop a comment or two) on a few questions on this intriguing study subject:

1) Do you like history and find it fascinating? Why, or why not?

2) Do you think that there is such a thing as 'unadulterated' history references in the world?

3) Is the told form of history, anywhere, manipulated, changed and/or have certain aspects and parts omitted to act especially in the interest of a particular country, political party, race, religion, social status, etc.,where certain parties basically just state the parts that they want people to know and not the whole truth?

4) As the saying goes, 'History is written by the victors'. How true is this statement? Do you agree with it?

As for my answers to them, I'll tackle them one by one in detail, soon. I'm kind of in the study mood now, since tis' the season for MUET, but meanwhile I invite you, my reader, to think about these questions. How does history really affect us?

Tongues On Fire

Are you aware of how much power the human tongue possesses?

Besides detecting chemicals in the food that enable us to enjoy the sense of tasting many delicacies in our world, tongues are also the agents of words. And words hold much power. Words can build up, words can tear down; words can encourage, words can criticize; words can be used as agents for positive change, and words can also be used to sow discord and arguments.

Evan as language has developed over the years, so has the meanings of various words and additions of words, as well as words that are becoming obsolete such as the ancient English terms "thee" and "thou" which can only be most commonly found in hymns and ancient literature. Semantic difficulties arise with the increase of words or their usages in everyday situations. For example, the word 'major' can mean simply 'important' i.e major exam, a military rank, a term to describe career option i.e 'majoring in graphic design', a certain scale comprised of certain combination of notes in music, and others. (For other examples, you can always refer to your friendly thesaurus...)

And as time passed, many words deemed unusual and unfit for use in it's full form have become so commonplace in modern society, especially among the younger generation. Thanks to the influence of Western culture, words like 'd-m-', 'd-r-', 'sh--' and the ever-popular 'f...' word have been used by many people at one time or another without us even realizing that it slipped out of our tongue, simply because it's used so often by people around us that it becomes a norm to use these words.

Besides slang, another negative usage of words, this one ages older than the latter, is gossip and slandering. Gossip and slandering have one purpose, that is to bring down the person or people that are being gossiped about due to a lack of respect and/or discomfort and hatred towards someone or a group of people. Many people (myself guilty as well) are easily tempted to gossip and complain about someone or certain people when they do or say something that displeases us. One of the most hurting thing about gossip is that it really gives people a negative perception about the person being gossiped about and worse still, the person has no idea or only a mild idea that bad things are being told about them.

In my opinion, we really need to think about the power of words. When someone posts that he or she wants to jump off a building on Facebook, and when there are unaware and/or not-so well-meaning friends that tell them to go ahead, they really go ahead and tragedy ensues, such as the 2 recent cases of suicide among Malaysian young adults show. Words can cause more havoc than what they were intended to convey by the speaker, and words can also convey disrespect when certain words are used on elders, such as slang and also our intonation, i.e raising our voice.

We can replace certain slang words,  but still portray the same intensity of emotion by actually putting them in proper English. For example, the expression "I don't give a d-m-" actually means "I really don't care about it".

Regarding the usage of words to tear down through gossip and slandering, they can cause permanent scars on someone's life and perhaps their reputation as well. I am of the opinion that if you really don't like someone or feel uneasy about something that they've done, then why not just tell them somehow? Even though it's also true that certain people don't feel good when listening to the truth, for the truth often hurts, in the long run they'll most likely thank you for telling them what was wrong. Sometimes people aren't aware of their bad habits simply because nobody told them that they had them in the first place...!

Well, as a personal check to make sure that I practice what I preach: Well, I do misuse words in various ways, and sometimes I don't realize that I have indirectly insulted someone or at the very least brought them down by making certain remarks. Hmm, would a 10-second rule of thinking through on what to say work? I think it's a good idea, since time can prevent me from saying things out too rashly and then regretting that I had ever, ever let those words out of my mouth. This strategy won't work in MUET speaking though, that one's a one shot thing...

I shall end today's post with a Scripture reference: "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." --Ephesians 4: 29, New Living Translation (copyright 2007)