Breaking Free

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Note before post: From next week until the end of September I'll be posting study related notes here only. 

I'll still update the daily but the main blog will be on studies so that I don't get distracted. I hope my notes can help. The same goes for the whole length of November and December (until 13/12, last day :D)

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Breaking free is...

(okay, that was a digression :P)

In the simplest language that I can come up with, breaking free = stop worrying about what people think!

I have always been somewhat hesitant of attending social events or talking to certain groups of people where there are familiar folks - no, not new people (that's a different thing all together) but rather some familiar folks who know me for years.

The rationale: With new folks, they don't know your history, your bad habits, the labels people slap on you and you can always put your best front forward and start anew. They didn't need to know about the shameful mistakes you did in the past.

But with some people you know for so many years, the idea that you made some scene in your class 5 years ago is still somewhat fresh in people's mind (if they choose to recall it). Naturally small stuff will be forgotten by most, but what if you were so silly that you betrayed a friend, acted rudely towards a teacher, or simply had a rep that you can't shake off for years? Will those be remembered, even after apologies are offered?

I worry (this is my worries and does not imply that people think that way) that people will always remember me as needy, sensitive, selfish, and a popularity queen wannabe, that I would use tears and leave emo messages to people so that they would pay attention to me, that I am a desperate weirdo that is somewhat smart and talented but unhappy (does talent matter anyway if you can't get along with people?)

Won't it be weird if someone who didn't really talk to you for years and has always kept to herself/himself suddenly becomes friendly? Weird right?

But you know what? I'm going to break free regardless. I'd rather be perceived as weird (and again, this is my rather negative perception instead of reality) or  while rather that keep to myself my entire life, spilling my daily ration of words on my family - their ears are rather tough for bearing with my mouth - and ending up miserable.

My mom was afraid to approach people just like me too when she was younger, but she asked for help from the Lord and today, she can strike up rather tough bargains with salespeople that are either mistaken with higher prices or looking to take a few more RM for profit. That is just one example of my mom's current bravery, she keeps it low profile but I'm proud of my mom :). So I have the best example right home.

The recipe for me now = reduce word rations to my family and expand them to 

• school friends (okay but still needs work i.e less FB chat and more face to face),
• church friends (this one really needs work especially among my own peers. I'm a mouse over there. If only they read this blog :P),
• elders (generally better than above 2 categories but need to ask more questions from outside family e.g teachers) and 
• strangers, with caution of course (up to date I have yet to strike up conversations with friendly strangers - they always come to me first)

Well, I'll do as my mom did:

Links for images: (1), (2), (3)

Can You Ever Forget Your Birthday?

No, I can't.

(By the way, today (the day I wrote this) is not my birthday. I'm not fishing for wishes here (not that you can't wish me when it's actually my birthday :D)

As a kid, I always did make a fuss about my birthday. Of course, I was a kid and presents, parties and cake were expected somewhat on anyone's birthdays, right?

However, I see a 360 degree turn in some adults. Birthdays are just like any other day in the year; in fact, many hardworking adults forget their own birthdays. Instead, they remember other's birthdays very well, especially younger folks (i.e their kids).

It looks really noble and selfless to forget one's birthday. Is it really so? Well, I don't know.

No matter how hard I try I find it hard to forget when I was born. Here's why.

The main external reason is that other people will somewhat remind me about it, by asking me questions like "when's your birthday" and "what do you want for your birthday". How to forget when other people are asking you about it?

The internal reason, perhaps a stronger motivation for not forgetting birthdays, is because birthdays are generally seen as "your day". It's a day where I will somewhat feel special, like the day belongs to me (even though it's actually just like any other day) and where I somewhat feel entitled to more attention than usual and better treatment than any other day in the year. In a nutshell, I feel celebrated on my birthday. Do you?

Perhaps that's why I get a little annoyed when people close to me forget to wish me - have you forgot to wish someone close to you? Perhaps that's why I also try my level best to wish friends and family so that they don't have to wonder if I remember them, and to show that they are important to me.

But because adults (especially those with families) want to celebrate others, such as spouse, kids, parents (birthdays when elderly, like my grandma's 80th celebration earlier this year, are really meaningful because not many live to old age) and close friends. Therefore, my theory (so-called) is that people are busy celebrating each other that they don't think of celebrating their own selves (which I have this nagging feeling that that should be the way to go)

From another angle, birthdays are thank-full days. On the day I was born I thank God for creating me and giving me purpose in life; thank my parents for bringing me into this world and taking care of me; thank friends and family for being at my side, regardless of whether they wish me (didn't wish doesn't mean forgotten or not important to me. I used to think like that some years back and it made me pretty depressed whenever it was my birthday - what an irony right,when birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions?)

And unlike when I was 7, I've stopped expecting celebrations and hoo-ha over my birthday. If there are any presents or celebrations, I am thankful for them, if there is none, well, it's not the end of the world.

However, I admit that I do get a teeny-bit envious whenever some kids celebrate birthdays in front of other people, especially in school, because I do wish that I was celebrated like that in school at times. But I guess I'm getting over it; in fact when I see people celebrating I look at them for inspiration to surprise my friends (there was once I saw a girl buy sushi platters instead of cake for her celebration...)

In conclusion, I can't forget my birthday - for now at least. And I shouldn't make such a big deal about either remembering it or forgetting it; just enjoy it and be grateful for it. :)

Image taken from here.

Help! I Just Can't Get Over You...Yet.

Admiring from afar...Classical!
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I liked him for so long. And I still do.

A couple months ago I wrote this post about my feelings towards someone that remains and will remain unnamed. Today, my feelings haven't faded away yet.

I can't deny that I still like (infatuation not love, my rational mind tells me) him. I still get nervous and happy at the same time when thinking about, chatting with or talking to him. Seriously, even writing or reading his name gives me butterflies in my heart, let alone seeing a picture of him or looking at him. Ah, those eyes, I fear that they can look through me and read all that I was thinking about him!

But I know it's impossible to be together with him for a couple of strong reasons, with beliefs being the main reason. For me personally dating isn't something where I can simply go out with the first hot or charming guy that sweeps me off my feet; they [dates] can eventually be potential husband material, and for that I need to choose someone who shares my beliefs and not otherwise or else, I probably will break his heart and vice versa due to disagreements over beliefs and principles in the future, and to prevent that from happening I decided not to go steady with anyone outside genuine (not cults!) Christian circles. Yup, call me old-fashioned if you want, but I have made up my mind on this issue. (BTW, I won't discriminate on race though, hopefully when the time comes as I ideally think now.)

Another reason involves my maturity to handle romantic relationships - I will get emotionally attached to my boyfriend and it will affect everything else because I don't know how to balance love and everything else yet unlike many other young adults out there. If I get jilted, can I handle it? At this moment, I doubt it. That's why my folks discourage me from dating now - they know this current weakness of mine. At least not until I can handle all this stuff constructively.

Finally, there's the familiar uncertainty of getting rejected - especially when I know we come from completely different worlds. I don't fully understand why I am drawn to him in the first place! The odds seem to be stacked against me, and I know I'm probably going to be disappointed for, as the saying goes, bertepuk sebelah tangan.  I can't tell what he thinks about me at all. And even if the 0.1 percent of probability that he does like me is true, I would have to reject him for the other two reasons above.

Sometimes, I play to myself certain songs that remind me of him...I'm not that thin though.
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I do wonder why I feel this way towards someone that I cannot have. In fact, the fact that it's kinda forbidden and unreachable makes me think of him more. I try not to blame circumstances or fate; I know that I'm probably blinded by "love" right now. I secretly imagine what it is like to have him like me, but that in real life would do me more harm than good.

Perhaps someday he will be gone from my life and the old adage "out of sight, out of mind" will work, allowing me to move on. However, how do I handle the feelings that I have towards him now, as it is still there? Avoid communication with him all I want and I still can't get him off my mind, still. Is this "feelings" something that I need to learn to live with for now and in the future? I guess so.

The best way is to be friends - good friends - and don't be carried away by thoughts of him to my own detriment. But to forget all past lovey-dovey thoughts about him? I really don't know if that is feasible yet, but what I can do is thank God for this remnant of teenage life (and as my age creeps towards the end of teenage-hood - turning 20 next year here!) that is actually kinda exciting and a once-in-a- lifetime stage, a lesson in life.

Images taken from here and here.

Being Different: A Chindian's Tale

I feel...like red in the sea of different colours.
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How do you view being different? We are not always with those of our own kind; there are times where one would feel like a duck among swans.

As for me, I am different. I have always been so, all my life.

Ever since I was born, I realized that I was different from the people around me - starting with my own parents (what a way to start isn't it?) I knew I wasn't as fair as my dad, or a dark beauty like my mom (It took me a while to use this word. I'll explain why later.) Being a firstborn, there was no one like me yet in our little family. Yet that fact didn't bother me then; my parents loved me nevertheless.

I'd always admired them for their differences, especially my dad - who chose to love and marry someone of a darker skin color, which to me is just purely counter-cultural and amazing . Most people I have met who are mixed-race have Mom as the fairer one among their parents, and my dad was just...Wow, only God could have put them together.

Growing up in various environments, there were quite a number of people I meet that couldn't care less about color. My next-door neighbors in my childhood home, meaningful friends that I have met all my life and left footprints, caring folks from our church, and some other kind souls out there accepted me as I am - being human, perhaps not totally, but accepting nevertheless. When I am with them, the thought that I am different doesn't cross my mind at all. I am happy that I know many folks like that in my life right now, and I thank God for them in my life.

However, I feel my difference acutely when being among certain crowds, as I am treated differently on first impression simply based on the color of my skin. There have been some people, mostly strangers but also some people I knew who started off being slightly rude to me due to assumptions that I was of a certain ethnicity, then upon knowing my real ethnicity, apologized and immediately treated me better, and also vice versa (being not treated politely after people find out that I am not of a certain ethnicity). Even until now, some people (especially kids) still call me rather annoying racist names, and even though I'm used to it it's still annoys me at times.

The first question most people (by most people, I mean like over 90 percent of people I meet) inevitably ask me upon meeting me for the first time is "What race are you?" Well, I don't blame them; I'm obviously different. Just how many Chindians do you know? I'm aware that there are more mixed Malaysians now than 30 years ago, but basically I'm still a weird species. I've been guessed as Indian, Malay, Malay-Siamese, Thai, Nyonya and Punjabi before. There was this one person who guessed so close,calling me 3/4 Chinese and 1/4 Indian. (So close.) The correct answer (my sister did the actual research on this one), is:

43.75% Hainan + 25% Malayalee + 25% Vellalar + 6.25% Nyonya = 50% Chinese + 50% Indian

(plus a little bit of Malay from the Nyonya side). Very 1Malaysia indeed :)

As a result of my difference, I discriminated, too. In primary school for instance, I begged my mom not to come for Report Card day and asked Dad to come instead, simply because at that time I was in a Chinese primary school and wanted to be more Chinese-like to feel accepted by my peers. My mom to me was an embarassment! Today I think, how on earth did I have the guts to discriminate against my own mother, and I have since apologized to her for that childish behavior of mine then, when I have yet to learn to accept and embrace this difference that is always a part of me.

One of the things that defined me is that although a Chindian, I have always been more Chinese than Indian - I have a proper Chinese name, and I can speak Mandarin but not Tamil (I can only understand a bit of it  even until now), largely due to the environment and education that I received at a younger age.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't have my own community to fall back into; I have nobody championing for my rights unlike all the major races in Malaysia. But thanks to my mixed-ness, I believe that I am given a different point of view - that of being able to understand and appreciate diversity, as well as feeling like one true-blue Malaysian, has been always there. I cannot say that I have never discriminated before, as I have done so out of my own selfishness as well as a imperfect backlash to those who also discriminated towards me; however, I'd rather not discriminate, and I'm glad that I'm a Chindian, nevertheless.

Image taken from here.

BTW, today's post was inspired by this story about colour in Malaysia that I came across. (Do read the post in the link, it's inspiring in a way :) I suspect that the post's author was also born in 1992 like me (leap year FTW!), but well, you can read further in the link above)