The Scales Don't Lie - What? Kinda Plump...?!

Well, we both fret about weight but at least she's actually skinny...

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How often do you worry about your weight?

I've always kept the issue of weight away from my conscious mind, because I'd always thought that I was okay when it came to weight, as my eating is basically controlled. However, one day, after we bought a new weighing scale for the home, I decided, once and for all, to know what my real weight was. 

The verdict is out now, and I found myself on the plump side. There have been some people before this that have been saying that I look chubby, and now the scales proved their hypothesis right.

The credit goes to nasi lemak overdose, a general love of eating (very un-girly to admit it but it's true) and too little exercise (if you call going to MBA once a week and walking to class exercise, that is).

The numbers show it all...

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I secretly already knew it all along, just that I had been avoiding actually standing on an actual scale to avoid being certain about how much I weigh. And when I finally did, the numbers blurted out the not-so-pretty fact about how my physical shape is.

Admitting that you're slightly over the average weight for your age and build goes two ways. One is that I'd say it freely to, say, a friend that's fretting over her own weight that I'm plump to male her feel better (I've yet to hear any guys fret about their weight like how girls do...) but on the other hand, admitting that you're over the ideal weight makes me just that little more unattractive in my own eyes and in making positive first impressions.

Gone were my pre-puberty days where I was actually kinda short and skinny (I don't blame you if you find that hard to believe now...) and didn't have to worry about dress sizes. As a child, my sister and I climbed over the wall daily to play at my neighbours' place with them, and we were always running around the neighborhood. Even though we lived in simpler circumstances, we were fit and healthy. Even after moving to Puchong in late 2000, while I was a kid we still played badminton, 'scooters', and rode the bike in the yard and in the nearby park - bike with trainer wheels that is. (Now, my bike is in a state of sad disrepair and I can't cycle...!) 

However, since entering my teenage years until now, I started to eat more and abandon exercise, causing my weight to increase each year. Maybe it was the more affluent surroundings that we lived in when we moved here (I'm not in any way saying that I'm loaded right now, but we were able to enjoy a better life than when we lived in Seri Kembangan last time, with a bigger house and whatnot), or maybe it was technology replacing the good old days of playing outside, but I came up with this equation that sums my physical state now:

Laziness + Ignorance + Teenage Hormonal Influence + Height = Plump me. T_T

If you were wondering how much I actually weigh now...well, I'm kinda embarrassed to reveal 'the number' openly, but maybe if you ask me personally I won't mind telling you...all I can say is that even though my BMI is still in the healthy range (refer here to a table to know Asian BMI ranges and figure out yours there, too), my weight is above average. If you're like me and belong to the slightly plump category, you have to fret about buying certain clothes because they make you look fat; sitting down slouched is bound to make you look like there's plops of meat coming out from your stomach; height is to your disadvantage because you look chubby if you're short, unless you are actually skinny, and the list goes on.

Right now I'm taking a few steps to lose weight.

Ah, losing weight. The universal female obsession.

Among the ways to lose weight is to diet...but I can't pull this off. Besides, we do need to eat in moderation to stay healthy...

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I can tell you my target weight that I would like to maintain after this - 100lbs (45kg), which would put my BMI at around 19-20 (a healthy and safer range). It's realistic for me, as it's not too far from my actual weight right now, but it will take discipline, determination, and some time to realize.

Right now, what I'm doing to work my way there (I'll blog about this in few months' time and see how was progress...keeps me accountable): (Maybe we can do this together, who knows?)

• Run on the threadmill for 30 minutes every day. (For now that is, I may increase the time once it becomes a habit)
• Halve my servings of carbs per main meal.
• Cut snacking unless it's healthy, e.g yogurt and fruits (that I happen to like a lot...)
• Bring homemade sandwiches to school instead of buying school food.
• Engage in physical activity whenever possible.
• Limit weekly nasi lemak intake to no more than two packs per week. I eat nasi lemak every other day in school and outside before this, so doing that cuts the addiction...

Finally, after all is said and done, I would choose to not be depressed or sad about my less-than-perfect body and work on making it fit. After all, beauty is beyond what is on the outside and I need to work even more on  developing inner beauty.

Dropping dress sizes does sound real good though...:D

Yeah...my weight drop won't be dramatic but I know I'll be healthier.

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Images taken from: (1). (2), (3), (4)

Distance

So close, yet so far. Is it just perspective?
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How often do you feel like your relationships with people is 'so close, yet so far?'

Today's post is, literally, a literal baring of my heart on my struggles. I contemplated this post for a while, but in the end I knew I needed to come clean if aiming for WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) transparency in character.

Prescript: In the post below, 'you' is a general implication for more than one person, as I have to admit that many, many of my friendships are like what I'm describing below. I just want to tell people this because I really feel that I owe my friends something that I'd held back for a long time, some since I was quite young.

If you* are one of those (many such) friends of mine who I talk freely online or other non-confrontational means, or that I've known since young but seldom talked to you, but either don't talk with or maintain very low profile conversations with you when I see you face to face on a regular basis, hear me out here.

I don't know about you (perhaps you prefer befriending me like this or have no problem with it) but I actually am not content at all with this kind of friendship that I'm showing you. I admit that I was keeping my distance from you, not because I don't like you or don't want to get to know you - in fact normally it's the other way round - but it is a struggle for me to open up to people, especially if I really do like you and show interest in your life (like in the friendship sort of way I mean, I'm using this word in that sense throughout this post) because I'm afraid that you won't like me even though I like you. I doubt that you actually know how much I'm interested in your life.

I see your life as way more interesting than mine, and that I'm not worthy of being a good friend. I hear voices in my head pretty often that tell me that I don't meet the standard to be a good friend to anyone because I'm shy, talk softly, am extremely afraid of being laughed at for being silly or showing imperfections (which is why you won't see me listing (or playing) my favorite songs in front of you or in the shower.), and can't make interesting conversations as I don't 'get' stuff fast (for example, say what about that kid you saw yesterday?). You can see this as a list of personal struggles that haunts me, constantly.

If you know me, I come across as aloof, cool, 'little miss perfect' and almost unapproachable and unfriendly (I try to make up for that once I get to know you though...) I don't make friends fast, and not in huge numbers, and that's always been a source of disappointment to me. I know that I'm actually not fully an introvert - somewhere in between would be more accurate, but that's how many people see me. (Not that introversion is a bad thing, it's natural for many people actually, however I also know when I'm really being myself I'm not a full introvert...!)

Many times I do have a full list of questions that I want to ask you when I see you - the reason I use Facebook, blogs and other social media is mainly to find out what's going on in your life so that I have things that I can talk to you about when I see you. It's hard for me to just come up to you and say 'Hey, what's up' when I see you - I want to do it but at the same time feel these kinds of formalities as an obligation - 'if I don't say hi to that person they'll think 'she's stuck up', so I'd better say it' but then I also chicken out because, what if you don't feel happy when I greet you? I'd better be genuine than force it out. Even better, I'd joke to you about the cute cat I saw yesterday.

In a nutshell, I don't know how to open up to you, and for my weakness, I want to apologize for robbing you of much of my friendship.

It's all kinda weird, actually...
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What I really want is being able to sit beside you or spend time with you and just casually talk about life - I'd ask you, for example, about that guy/girl you like, how you feel about your studies, or something that you are involved in, but how exactly do I do it? Butt in and just start talking? In the same way after that, ideally you'd also reciprocate by asking and show interest in my life, for example how I'm coping with school, about my writing, my future plans, etc. No reservations, no holding back.

That, for me, would be a big step - no, a leap in growing up.

Images taken from here and here.

On MUET and the Mid-Term Papers

The exam hall...the place where years of education comes down on a few sheets of marked exercises.
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Today, I'm writing just to share my joy and disappointments with you on the aforementioned exams, as it really feels awkward keeping my feelings all to myself. :)

Firstly, the reasons why I'm happy.

My overall results are good, and I've got solid A plus-es (meaning 90 marks and above) in two of my subjects - Economics and History if you were wondering. As for the other two, which are General Studies and Business Studies, they definitely need more work if I'd dream to get myself on the freshman list for a good university (more on that later.) Oh, and I got a band 6 for MUET (Malaysian University English Test) on my first try.

Hold it right there. SAY WHAT?

Yay! You're welcome to imagine me jumping up and down on the couch, the bed, anywhere in my imagination...
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Yeah, you and I heard me say that. I'm sorry if I'm starting to coming across as a show-off and being very un-Asian like (In my opinion, Asians are generally really low-profile about their successes and some even go to the extent of denying it: 'No la, I'm not that good...'), but...(brace yourself for the virtual screaming ahead...)

I'M ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY, POSITIVELY, TRULY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY OVER MY M.U.E.T RESULTS...AND I CAN'T LIE THAT I'M JUST OKAY WITH IT!

There, I said it. I feel way better now that I can express this happiness that I never, ever expected to come arriving in my inbox in my SE w595. This week, ever since I got my results on Monday evening, I've been floating on cloud nine, feeling fabulous and almost celebrity-like over what I've achieved, [the feeling of rare success] which actually is what I've been secretly wishing for all this while to happen to me but seems like miles away as I've never been actually outstanding in anything in school(s) before this, much. I've been told that I made school history of being the first student to get that band in that school, and the accolades - friends and teachers congratulating me for a job well done these few days. I can't deny that I like what I feel, and I'm really happy.

For this feat I thank God (only through Him this is even possible!), as well as my family, teachers, friends for the roles that they have played in molding, training and encouraging me all this while. A special shout out goes out to those from Remag who gave me the opportunity to write for the magazine as I would not have striven to improve my English any further after SPM if not for this writing endeavor that's currently feeding my passion.

Now, for the not-so happy part.

I got B's for both my general studies (Pengajian Am, PA) and business studies (Pengajian Perniagaan, PP) papers, with one of my business studies papers just two marks over the passing grade. I just passed it, and without the help of the second paper (which was slightly better) I would have got a C. I'm quite disappointed with my PA, as it has been a strong subject of mine all the while but this time I screwed up on my first paper. I only blame myself for revising that paper - last minute. As for PP, it has always been the weakest link among the four subjects that I'm taking now, and I've got to really do something about it if I were to complete the other leg (the first leg, according to a teacher of mine, was MUET) of securing a (good) university admission and in the long term, to a brighter future. Think jumping 30-40 marks, that is from 50-60 marks to above 90 marks. I really, really need to buck up.

Generally, my academic performance went down this term - from 3A's to 2A2B, and that is what I'd definitely call as not my best. It hurts when I know that I can achieve better than that but due to my own tidak apa attitude I slacked and didn't run on all my cylinders. What you reap is what you sow, they say.

Studying a lot...the price to pay to score. Yup, I reaped what I sowed (and that that was not sown wilted in the end...)
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I indirectly did reap a lot on my MUET (even though I didn't realize it at that time) because while writing for Remag I knew I needed to push my language mastery up a few notches if I were to produce good articles that were beyond high school-level, and I guessed that improvement somehow affected my test too. However, as you can see from my other subjects, I didn't push myself enough.

Moral of the lesson is: If you put in effort, you'll improve slowly but surely, and the converse happens if you don't. I sometimes just need to relearn this lesson over and over again...

Lastly, a heartfelt message to fellow schoolmates and sixers on exams from me (I hope you can read this:)

Exam results are out, and I know that you and I have all sorts of feelings about them. Regardless of how you did, I want you to know that if you did your best, you are on the right track, and I highly salute you for that. I feel like I'm in a different world from you guys sometimes, as I do feel like I can't really identify with you guys when it comes to this (yesterday a friend of mine said, rather humorously, that I don't belong there with the rest of the class after getting to know my results...!) but I want you to know that I desire to share both the joys and pains of school life with you guys. If you need any help, I'll try my best to help (even though I may not know all the answers) and don't be shy to ask me okay? I actually like it a lot when people ask me stuff... :) As for the looming stress that has to do with STPM in a few months time, well we'll go through it together. Studying with you guys has been a great year of my schooling life (even as it comes to an end, sob...no more school uniform in half a years' time, I'm going to miss wearing one) and I really cherish your friendship. :D

Gals and guys, thanks for flipping text book pages together with me...
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Now, I shall pop an imaginary bottle of sparkling juice to celebrate...

Cheers.
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Images taken from: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

No Regrets

Argh...sometimes I just wanna slam my head on the bed...
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"Did I do good enough?"

How often do you ask yourself that question? Be very honest!

I know I just did after I came back from Genting Highlands recently, mainly because I chickened out of many of the rides and screamed and cried my way through others. I felt adventurous at first, but just can't get a hold of the rides because you can't control what happens to you and are at the mercy of a machine and your adrenalin. After I went on one of them, I felt like either I needed to laugh hysterically or cry, and I chose to cry. (Nice way to explain thrill-o-phobia, missy.)

Back to the topic: At the end of every event, every trip, every journey - do you find yourself reviewing how well it went and how you did, instantaneously creating a fictitious report card on your "performance"?

I'm not just talking about real performances such as singing on stage or giving a speech (though I'd always review myself to the most minute of details if I were to do the two aforementioned things) but also the things we view as successes: getting good results, getting a promotion, being accepted (or rejected) for a scholarship offer, making friends, the outcome of telling someone that you like them, being complimented by parents and family members, organizing (or even just attending) a trip. And I've got to tell you: I review myself on every single one of the criteria that I just mentioned, more than once for each!

Maybe it's perfectionism; maybe it's personality, but what I know for sure is that every time something is done that computer up there will auto-run a 'self-review' program, asking me almost auto-generated questions such as:

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how much did you enjoy yourself?
• Did everyone else like the event?
• Did everyone enjoy the performance that you did?
• Did you achieve all the goals that you wanted to achieve?
• Did your relationship with someone improve?
• Did you make a good impression on anyone, especially those whom you like?

And the list goes on and on. It just can't stop, as once I somehow manage to satisfactorily answer one question another new one pops up and continues to boggle my mind, demanding that my worth be placed on how well I can answer.

"If only" becomes the most common word in my vocabulary over and over again.

The stream of reviews in my head, even when allowing reflection and opportunity to see how my effort (or the lack of it thereof) pays off, but it also does admittedly make every step of each journey just that tad-bit more depressing, as I can't meet my own high standards.

While obsessively reviewing myself searching for flaws, like what some do while in front of mirrors. How often can one look into the mirror and say that you like what you see in there, or even to say that you accept that reflection, with its imperfections, handicaps, and all?

Constant reviewing brings memories...but regrets, too!
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I've learned that there are milestones on every journey, big and small, and that I need to acknowledge them and give them credit. Even out of failures, there are valuable lessons to learn; even out of successes, there are things that can be improved on. If only this rationale comes to mind every time I fall and feel like giving up on stuff, I'd live with no regrets.

In fact, every journey has no regrets, as there's always something to be learned out of it. :)

Looking back, there's always something to learn from every experience.
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There's always the hope of doing better in the future, making each milestone a step closer.
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Images taken from: (1), (2), (3), (4)

Have You Ever...Won A Contest?

Ooo, that trophy sure is shiny...
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Before I answer the question above, first let me present to you a nonsensical rant on reality TV that, well, I just feel like writing after watching some auditions of a popular reality show and before thinking about daydreaming about stardom. Feel free to skip the next three paragraphs if you're not so keen.

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After an hour or so into relishing your favorite reality TV show, the host announces an ad break just before announcing who's gonna be eliminated this week, leaving the show in a cliffhanger and you blank. "Awww...they have to put the ads now?" you mutter under your breath, but silently breathe a sigh of relief because your legs are seriously cramped after being in the same position on the couch for the past, immensely intense hour.

Just as you were about to get up and walk around to relieve the blood flow in your legs while running a live commentary in your head about who should really be out , the flashy ad catches your eye. "Do you want to be a star? Shoot from mediocrity to fame and fortune? (Okay, they don't exactly say that, but reality shows always aim to make a somebody out of the average Joe with raw talent, good looks, charming personality and a 'story' to tell, don't you think?) If you think you have what it takes (of course after meeting the basic age and experience criteria), come and audition at the following venues (bla, bla, bla at some hotel or hall somewhere). Remember to bring 2 pieces of passport-size photos for registration purposes. See you there!"

At that moment, you think, Maybe I can be a star. I can sing/dance/cook/model/do business/look pretty, and maybe this is my big break. But then you gulp when you remember the kinds of experts that join those kind of competitions, and say 'maybe not, it's just a dream'. That was the closest you ever got to for joining TV contests.

PS: The 'you' in the above illustration is purely fictional. And I have nothing against reality TV being a platform for the talented to get due recognition for their abilities. However I do feel that sometimes not everyone's dreams come true as said...and that reality TV is kinda commercialized. It has its good and bad...

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At a more down-to-earth level, have you ever won any contest, even school level ones? Try to recall that experience. How was it like to be pronounced the winner? First or second runner up? Consolation? Often, when joining a contest for the first time, the odds of winning are pretty slim, unless you are extremely talented. However, my personal observation of some reality shows (I won't name them here) show that there are some pretty stubborn folk who audition for 2, 3, 4 times or more in the following seasons, and eventually many do get in for the experience. I'm not just talking about reality shows here; I'm talking about contests of any kind, even the sports day in kindergarten where you just won first place in the mini-sack race. (I did! :) )

Do you have a trophy cabinet at home? It's something people are proud of right? Imagine a proud set of parents showing visitors and relatives of the family their trophy cabinet, saying 'This is what my kids have achieved, look!' Or perhaps you're the one admiring the trophies that you have collected since primary school for being super-involved in co-curricular activities. Maybe you're kinda smart and are among those that sweep academic awards year after year. Or maybe you're admiring trophies, but it's your big brother's Athlete of the Yearand your big sister's Best Student award. Who knows, perhaps even your little sis got a prize for the junior singing competition...and you sit there wondering, when will it ever be my turn?

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I've won a few small contests, school-level, and every single time I won it catches me by surprise. There was this time in primary school where I somehow won 5 trophies in a day for some miscellaneous quizzes and contests. However, I had so much stage fright that my teacher at that time had to push me on stage to collect my awards! As years passed, my stage fright lessened, but I got awards less frequently as the education level went up, making stuff harder and I regrettably strove less, too. I became content with 'good' and didn't really aim for my best. As a result, by the time I graduated secondary school after SPM, I was generally a good student...but good was just it: good. Yeah, I did good for my exam. However, there are parts of me that know it wasn't exactly my best, as I often know that I can do better than that but I didn't put in extra effort.

And here I am now, in form six, discovering and trying hard to redeem myself. To taste victory again after settling on being okay for an awfully long time.

I used to shy away from voluntarily joining contests because I tend to believe that I will never win them; the big breaks were always for someone else who's better and more talented. However, a chance to write for a Scholastic essay competition in form four started to change all that. I joined for fun, because my teacher thought that my language was reasonably good, and being a little flattered I decided to join, and realized that I just ignited a whole new passion in writing. From then, even while being quite inactive in school, I decided to try any essay or writing-related stuff coming my way, because I found a passion that I wanted to excel in instead of settle for mediocrity. My next foray was a themed essay competition for New Straits Times on organ donation. Even though my essay wasn't chosen (at that time my skills were pretty amateur, and now I'm still in the learning process. I'm definitely not an expert!), it made it into the school magazine. And that was in my first senior year (this year will be my true senior year). An achievement, nonetheless.

Then I found Recom.org, a student forum where I stumbled upon while trying to find out more on what to do after SPM. After a couple months in, being an active member and such, there was a recruitment drive for writers for Remag, a student magazine which was being revived at the time and into its 3rd month of publication. (This was the 2nd recruitment drive.) I tried my best by posting an essay on mediocrity (something that I felt pretty strongly about given my history of trying to break free from mediocrity). However, competition was pretty tough and I didn't make it. The editor of the magazine encouraged me to contribute as a guest writer. Disappointed as I was, I decided to write a guest article for the following month. Surprisingly, as I was about to contribute an article as a guest writer one month later, the writer post was offered to me, and today I've been contributing to Remag for about 3 months now (and I'm still contributing). This small step in pursuing my passion has been really significant and meaningful to me.

I'm going to try and tackle writing a novel in July next, joining the July version of Nanowrimo since STPM is in November...50,000 words a month here I come (and try) :)

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From experience, I know now that passion and perseverance are two key ingredients to learning from contests of any kind. As much as I'd really, really love to win contests, winning is secondary to the wisdom that's gleaned in the process :)

There's always something that can be learned in the journey...
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Images taken from here and here.

Can You Help Me...Stop Comparing, Please?

This comparing thing is hard for me to snap out of, often.
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Note before post: I've added a link to my Facebook in my About Me page, but please read the note there yeah?
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Have you ever thought, at some time or another, that everyone else is better than you?

Oh yeah, before I forget...Hello, and thanks for dropping by my blog. Ever since I started this blog in the beginning of March this year, which is actually my 4th attempt on keeping a blog after 3 past halfhearted and failed attempts, I have received around 900 page views -but if you were to minus out my own revisions whenever I post to my blog, it's about 600 unique visits so far.

I look at that number, and I'm grateful that I do have followers and regular readers - I can never reach that number of visits if it ain't for you guys (not that I write for visits, but it's nice when people read my blog posts as I do invest a lot of time, effort and most importantly, heart in each individual post. The proof? Just look at the average word count for each of my posts...at least 700 words per post is a safe estimate!) but at the same time I can't help but wish I did better like other more established bloggers - more views, more comments, more people who link and follow me...but well all that comes with time (and quality improvements) doesn't it?

Haha. Someone needs patience.

Even looking at one's closest family and friends can trigger this frustration. I look at them, seeing how close they are with certain people who are mutual friends, and then compare myself to them and realize that I'm not as close to them. For example, if I were at a family gathering, I see fellow family and friends go around and socialize with other cousins and relatives with ease - it comes naturally to them! But when I try to do it, I just can't come across as natural, and then give people the first impression of being either too quiet and reserved or weird and talking too fast. I have to admit it: I can't be myself in front of many people, naturally. I only learned these first impressions when through time I get to know some of these folks better and then they tell me that.

I see some of my friends getting texts every 5 minutes, and then lament on how little feedback I get from people. My fault, actually - I'm the one that's lazy to pick up the phone and contact people, because I'd rather be in my imagination, thinking about a fictional novel in my head than confront people face-to-face. Some people call it introversion and say that that's okay - but the thing is I actually want to be out there with people, just that I lack guts and worry about image to do so.

I know that I need to be positive and don't show any frustration in front of people as this only spoils the mood of everyone else, but at times I get so frustrated that at times I cry desperately to release the tension that't been stored in my head. Some people think that I like to cry. No, I do it out of desperation, though nowadays most of the time I don't do it in public because I'm a big girl now and big girls don't cry. There's got to be some other way to release tension than to lash it out in tears...

Reunions are really looked forward to by many people, but I can't get myself to do so -- not because I don't want to catch up with old friends (I do), but because I'm afraid of the possibility of being ignored as I didn't build up many good friendships at a younger age, and to be remembered as the crybaby, the one who does weird things to get people's attention because she had no guts to go up to someone and just talk, forgetting any past and starting anew? Such is also the case with new meets - in a place filled with strangers that can be potential friends, I somehow find it hard to carry myself confidently and small talk my way to easiness in meeting people.

For the same reasons is why I almost lost heart to continue on this blog (I've not told anyone this before) - I started writing about what people ought to do. Even though I have been blessed to be considerably smart in the intellectual sense, I know that in my case it's a head full to I ought to's (aka theory, think getting full marks for Moral and Civics in life) instead of actually doing many of those stuff that I talk about thanks to both laziness and fear, and to stop it from being full-fledged hypocrisy and beating myself up (not literally) daily I almost gave up blogging. Now, I blog about things that are in my heart, straight: No more kidding myself and trying to project images.

In my head, from time to time, the same question pops out over and over again: Why can't I be better in...?

Which, when I think about it, can be a pretty selfish question. I mean, doesn't it imply that I want to be better than others?

I need courage - a lot of it, in fact, to accept myself for who I am right now, to stop defining myself by the past, and to soar to newer heights where the 'high score' to beat is only what I have previously scored, and does not depend on comparing anymore. Pursuing a warrior spirit.

To anyone reading this far, thank you so much for 'listening' to me, along with the negative self-talk, through this, and forgive me that my posts, like me, may not be always positive. How can I ever repay you? :)

To go out there...I need to first look at that girl in the mirror, that I believe is a unique creation of God, and stop looking for flaws every time I see her, but truly learn to love her just like how God loves, and let the love spread from there - loving thy neighbor, as thyself.

PS: As A Christian I also have the added assurance I have as God's child that I am 'beautifully and wonderfully made' according to the Bible. God, help me remove my doubt...

Now If I were to describe myself, it'll be work in progress.


To repeat my initial question: Have you ever felt at some point that everyone else is better than you? I'm not qualified to offer a complete solution, but I can listen and identify with you if you say that. Let's be 'work in progress' together shall we? :)


Image taken from here.