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Note before post: I've added a link to my Facebook in my About Me page, but please read the note there yeah?
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Have you ever thought, at some time or another, that everyone else is better than you?
Oh yeah, before I forget...Hello, and thanks for dropping by my blog. Ever since I started this blog in the beginning of March this year, which is actually my 4th attempt on keeping a blog after 3 past halfhearted and failed attempts, I have received around 900 page views -but if you were to minus out my own revisions whenever I post to my blog, it's about 600 unique visits so far.
I look at that number, and I'm grateful that I do have followers and regular readers - I can never reach that number of visits if it ain't for you guys (not that I write for visits, but it's nice when people read my blog posts as I do invest a lot of time, effort and most importantly, heart in each individual post. The proof? Just look at the average word count for each of my posts...at least 700 words per post is a safe estimate!) but at the same time I can't help but wish I did better like other more established bloggers - more views, more comments, more people who link and follow me...but well all that comes with time (and quality improvements) doesn't it?
Haha. Someone needs patience.
Even looking at one's closest family and friends can trigger this frustration. I look at them, seeing how close they are with certain people who are mutual friends, and then compare myself to them and realize that I'm not as close to them. For example, if I were at a family gathering, I see fellow family and friends go around and socialize with other cousins and relatives with ease - it comes naturally to them! But when I try to do it, I just can't come across as natural, and then give people the first impression of being either too quiet and reserved or weird and talking too fast. I have to admit it: I can't be myself in front of many people, naturally. I only learned these first impressions when through time I get to know some of these folks better and then they tell me that.
I see some of my friends getting texts every 5 minutes, and then lament on how little feedback I get from people. My fault, actually - I'm the one that's lazy to pick up the phone and contact people, because I'd rather be in my imagination, thinking about a fictional novel in my head than confront people face-to-face. Some people call it introversion and say that that's okay - but the thing is I actually want to be out there with people, just that I lack guts and worry about image to do so.
I know that I need to be positive and don't show any frustration in front of people as this only spoils the mood of everyone else, but at times I get so frustrated that at times I cry desperately to release the tension that't been stored in my head. Some people think that I like to cry. No, I do it out of desperation, though nowadays most of the time I don't do it in public because I'm a big girl now and big girls don't cry. There's got to be some other way to release tension than to lash it out in tears...
Reunions are really looked forward to by many people, but I can't get myself to do so -- not because I don't want to catch up with old friends (I do), but because I'm afraid of the possibility of being ignored as I didn't build up many good friendships at a younger age, and to be remembered as the crybaby, the one who does weird things to get people's attention because she had no guts to go up to someone and just talk, forgetting any past and starting anew? Such is also the case with new meets - in a place filled with strangers that can be potential friends, I somehow find it hard to carry myself confidently and small talk my way to easiness in meeting people.
For the same reasons is why I almost lost heart to continue on this blog (I've not told anyone this before) - I started writing about what people ought to do. Even though I have been blessed to be considerably smart in the intellectual sense, I know that in my case it's a head full to I ought to's (aka theory, think getting full marks for Moral and Civics in life) instead of actually doing many of those stuff that I talk about thanks to both laziness and fear, and to stop it from being full-fledged hypocrisy and beating myself up (not literally) daily I almost gave up blogging. Now, I blog about things that are in my heart, straight: No more kidding myself and trying to project images.
In my head, from time to time, the same question pops out over and over again: Why can't I be better in...?
Which, when I think about it, can be a pretty selfish question. I mean, doesn't it imply that I want to be better than others?
I need courage - a lot of it, in fact, to accept myself for who I am right now, to stop defining myself by the past, and to soar to newer heights where the 'high score' to beat is only what I have previously scored, and does not depend on comparing anymore. Pursuing a warrior spirit.
To anyone reading this far, thank you so much for 'listening' to me, along with the negative self-talk, through this, and forgive me that my posts, like me, may not be always positive. How can I ever repay you? :)
To go out there...I need to first look at that girl in the mirror, that I believe is a unique creation of God, and stop looking for flaws every time I see her, but truly learn to love her just like how God loves, and let the love spread from there - loving thy neighbor, as thyself.
PS: As A Christian I also have the added assurance I have as God's child that I am 'beautifully and wonderfully made' according to the Bible. God, help me remove my doubt...
Now If I were to describe myself, it'll be work in progress.
To repeat my initial question: Have you ever felt at some point that everyone else is better than you? I'm not qualified to offer a complete solution, but I can listen and identify with you if you say that. Let's be 'work in progress' together shall we? :)
Image taken from here.
Hello again! Nice to see that you're still blogging. I take that you plan to stop soon? Well, trust me, you shouldn't -- because after a few days, you'll end up missing it, and ultimately -- you will get your blogging mojo back!
ReplyDeleteNow, allow me to move on to your question: Have you ever felt at some point that everyone else is better than you?
If you ask me, at many points in my life, I have felt that a lot of people are better than me. You can say that I think of it a lot until recently, I discovered something that I would sincerely like to share. Cliche as it may sound, it is true to the fact that everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has something special in them. Likewise, we all have our very own share of weaknesses. However, there's nothing wrong in comparing ourselves to other people -- that is, to a certain extent.
One should never feel lowly of herself just because she thinks that someone is better than her. Because true enough, you may envy a person for being very good at communication and social skills, for example, and that person might envy you in having such good writing skills! A friend once told me, God never gives too much, or too little. He only gives you just enough.
We cannot have everything in life. There must always be a balance. When there is balance, you would find yourself appreciating the little things in life, and have a whole load of fun with that too.
Having said that however, it is actually good to compare ourselves to others, as it will actually teach us that we always have room to improve. Never see weaknesses as something that would pull you down, but instead, challenges you are going to tackle to build a better you in the future.
I'm just 17 and I know I have a whole long way to go, but this is just what I think.
Everyone's special in their own way. (:
Hi Sofea!
ReplyDeleteYour comment really made my day...Thanks :)
Haha no worries, I'm not going to stop blogging - even though I have (felt) like giving up many times because I was really critical of some of the stuff I wrote lately.
Reading those posts I felt almost like I was a self-proclaimed expert to blog out a good piece of writing, (you know when you read many good blogs out there that have posts such as "5 ways to boost your self-esteem, 10 ways to utilize Twitter, etc - expert writing!)yet in real life I'm lacking of so much experience- I get distracted, lazy, fearful, and I'm not always positive.
Hopefully the new kind of posts that I'm doing now show writing from the heart and the human side - that I'm getting there, but I have my fair share of weaknesses and I want to identify with people as just me, the good and the bad, everything.
For a 17-year old you write real mature in my opinion...I say that from your comments here and also after visiting your blog. Only thing is I can't seem to find the post where you wrote about your first love, right after you commented on mine...:D
Thanks again :)
Hey!
ReplyDeleteNice to know that my comment made your day (!) and also that you will continue blogging. (Y) Will be looking forward to read more of your writing :)
Oh, and regarding my first comment on "please don't comment on the topic on my blog", it's not because I wrote a post on it on my blog, but because some bloggers who do visit my blog do mention on what I earlier commented on on their blogs. Haha. Besides, I did mention that I wanted to keep things low key, right? So surely I wouldn't blog on it! Haha.
You're welcome, and take care :)