Gossip Girl?

Today I'm gonna take a break from my usual way of posting articles to make way for a little personal reflection on what's been happening lately.

A lot has happened. If you were someone I knew from years ago and you were to meet me today, especially when I'm with my friends, you may not think that I can become like that.

But I can be like that: loud, talkative, like to bully people etc etc., and you may be there wondering : What on earth happened to her? What ever happened to little miss shy, fearful, and keeps her opinions to herself?

Yup, I'd somewhat became a gossip girl of sorts.

Not gossip in the way where someone would tear down people as they speak about them, or speaking bad stuff about people behind their backs. But I've become one that always likes to catch up on what's happening in people's lives (aka latest news), one that freely expresses 'oohs' and 'ahs' whenever something exciting happens, the attention-seeker. You know, kinda noisy, kinda poke-y? I can assure you that I still firmly believe that talking bad stuff behind people's backs is wrong and it hurts, and I'm sticking to that. I'd enough painful experiences with friends from long ago to prove that.

There are reasons for this. People don't change overnight, you know.

They say life gives one many sorts of experiences, and for me it is the circumstances of life as it is now. During the past few months I'd had many kinds of experiences, some joyful, some bittersweet, and many stressful, and they helped to shape the girl that I am today.

There were first and foremost, friendship experiences. Before this, the last time I'd ever had a close group of friends in school was in Form 2, and at that time I blew off those friendships with a white lie that I'd told to save my own skin. How immature I was back then :( I'd been blessed to have several good friends in high school, but I couldn't claim to actually feel like I belong to a close group, mainly because I thought that everyone was already in their little cliques and had no place for me in their close-knit groups of friends, so I dared not join people in their conversations.

Even after entering form six, I initially felt that there was no friend suitable for me, as I felt so weird  and different from everyone else there and I feared that I couldn't fit the 'mould' that existed there. However, as time passed I got to know that my fellow form six mates were more accepting then I thought. They accepted the fact that I was immature, shy, and took a while to warm up to people, and helped me improve my social skills as time went on. Right now I'm glad that I do have a close group of friends in school, and that we share our joys and sadness together, as well as joke about and encourage each other too.

I have to admit that those immature, shy and taking a while to warm up to people traits are still there, lingering, but it is my hope that those will mature in time too, just like how roses bloom in due season.

Then, there's my activity involvement experiences: Student council secretary cum prefect of sorts, librarian (where I also hold the secretary post...do I look like an orderly person?), an editor of the school magazine, my newly elected writing job for Remag, as well as my long-standing yet always hidden love for public speaking. Yes. I mean it. I do like to speak and be heard, I've always did actually, but the fear of losing face stopped me from trying all these years...until now, when opportunity knocks again, and I'm trying again. :)

All these involvement, that I've never before seen in my life, basically caved in on me during January this year, because with authority comes responsibility, right? Being the ultimate newbie on the block, I needed to get down to business while risk looking stupid and 'dumb-dumb', which I hate but it's the humble pie that I needed to eat to improve in the tasks that I was responsible for. I'm happy that these tasks have become more cope-able right now. My parents and relatives, teachers in school, mentors in church, peers and the seniors of Recom helped me a lot in this journey, and I'm very grateful for their faith in me as well as their help in whichever way they were my arms of support.  They help me strengthen my determination of doing these tasks.

Last but not least, (this is going to be a little candid) relationship experiences. I won't elaborate too much on this one, except that now I do know what it's like to really be so into somebody, to really have feelings for somebody, to wonder if that person feels the same way too, then to feel the pain of heartbreak and disappointment of an unreachable 'first love'. To identify with the lyrics of love songs, that sing out exactly how I felt towards that special person. (That's why I talk about these things, those love-related jokes and stuff, often, both in my blog here and with those I know). To be able to share those experiences with friends, and learn how to move on. I'm also glad that I'm learning to relate to guy friends better nowadays, last time couldn't even talk to them because I was so boy-shy. I admit, I still feel awkward when talking to guys nowadays, but I'm glad that the dudes in my life are bearing with me, still. :)

Back to the 'gossip girl' scenario, I saw this blog entry on my form teacher's blog on this ex-student that she had. and this girl didn't go around looking for attention from guys. She only talks to them when needed because she's more comfortable with female friends. And she doesn't feel pressured to have a boyfriend at all. Wow, I really salute her attitude, because unlike her I do (often subconsciously) try to get the attention of others, be it girls or guys, and often I try too hard and in the end make a fool out of myself i.e my plans backfired.

There's this quote that I saw recently on Twitter about people that don't seek attention usually are the ones that get attention in the end. That's a lesson that this attention seeker needs to learn her lesson from, where she needs to refrain from trying too hard to impress people with her personality/smarts/wit/whatever, and just be herself, and seek to make her heart a beautiful one:)

Okay, that'll be my sharing for today. Hopefully tomorrow I'll contribute another useful article/discussion for thought...