If you have been noticing trends in my blog posts recently, you'd notice that the most popular topic that I seem to be blogging about nowadays is about relationships.
I have to admit, friendships and relationships are a huge priority in my life. They have always been. And I also know that that is natural, because I believe that God created me to be a relational being and have a relationship with Him and also those around me. However, relationships are not everything.
Some time ago (I think it was on my 18th birthday) a teacher sincerely advised me to focus more on my studies, and while I'm striving to do that, relationships still tend to dominate my thoughts, because relationships bring out the strongest and deepest emotions that are within me, and as a girl, it becomes all the more natural and harder to contain. I have every intention, however, to start focusing more on studies and other responsibilities that I have too, so that my brain is more enriched with knowledge as well.
I have to admit, when I see friends around me that are together, I do feel at least a little envious.
When I know that these friends with some sort of significant other in their lives right now text each other almost every other minute, and have each other's company often, a tinge of perceived loneliness often arises in me.
When Valentine's Day (a side note for those following recent news developments in Malaysia: Valentine's is a secular celebration, it has always been, and I don't celebrate it as a Christian. Halloween isn't a Christian celebration, either. Anyway, Valentine's just a passing event to me, some sort of world trend or something...) arrives along with its trends of sending flowers, chocolates and love notes (and where certain clubs in the school capitalize as business opportunity #1) and just the knowledge that someone is thinking about you, it leaves me thinking about whether any guy will ever want me or like me for who I am.
Sometimes even with just friends I can think this way also, you know, if they like me as a friend for who I am and not just because I'm apparently kind of smart, or have some sort of advantage, or...? (maybe this is also caused by my apparent lack of experience with guy friends, but still...)
Every time I see couples waiting in line to see movies, and I see them lovingly hold hands and put arms around each other, while I think that some of those actions are kind of gross, I secretly long to have someone pay that kind of attention to me, too. (I don't mean the gross actions, but just the companionship, BTW.)
On the other side of the coin, I don't know how it's like to be in a relationship, and for the most part I'm not concerned about it except when I see people together or hear about the love stories of my friends (!) but I know how's it like to have feelings for somebody, and also how it feels to be heartbroken by the fact that the things that I thought were indications of interest were more like illusions that I made up, that my feelings have been indirectly played upon even though the other party didn't mean to. It's a secret that I keep, actually.
Anyway, I do wonder why as girls we feel this way so easily while all the while we were happy, contented singles. Was it the friends around us? Was it the media?
It stings feeling this way. Really, it does.
What is this mystery, this tinge of longing, that I feel every now and then?
In my search for the answer, I realized that things aren't always what they seem. And I'm not saying the following things below to pacify myself or make myself feel better, if that was what you're thinking.
First of all, relationships take work -- a lot of it, actually. Beyond the mushiness that I see in apparent relationships among the people that I know, both parties need to constantly make sure that the other person's needs are maturely taken care of. I don't know about other people, but knowing myself I can't give that amount of commitment towards someone yet at this stage of my life, so relationships now would do me more harm than good, and it'll even be a distraction at this time to my studies and such.
Secondly, the first or second nice guy or girl that we meet may not necessarily be the best one. While my feelings may fool me, I also believe that God is preparing my prince, and that I will meet him someday, if it is His will for me to marry. No, I'm not holding on to a fairy-tale story, neither am I daydreaming, but I'm stating that I trust in God's choice and timing for me in this matter. And right now, I think that I should focus more on improving the quality of platonic friendships that I have right now. And as I grow older and stronger, more people will come into my life, and then I worry about this kind of thing...
Thirdly, even though apparent loneliness may sting, heartbreaks sting even more, especially when one is so deeply involved in a relationship. Sometimes heartbreaks are inevitable, but I also don't want to intentionally get into them by experimenting with relationships before I'm ready for them, because immaturity makes disappointment all the more easy to come by, and before I get into anything I must first be strong inside and out, and while there may be a nice guy or two that come into my life, I'll wait.
In general, in this age of becoming, I choose to handle this delicate issue of love without contempt, but with full trust in God's timing for me. And meanwhile, I'll cherish the friendships that are in my life right now :)
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