I admit that I rarely ask questions about the big (and small) concerns of life, such as future plans, principles, even faith, and when problems come right in front of my face and smack me, I don't know what to do, and risk making the wrong choices, especially when now as a almost grown-up (supposedly) I have to make my own decisions. Often I wished people can decide for me, so that I don't have to crack my head deciding on anything, but life is such that I need to decide for myself.
Complacence and laziness are the two main reasons I don't ask. The other reason, I have to admit, is pride, where I think that I'm Little Miss Independent and can handle life on her own, as well as understand everything I've been taught and told. It sometimes takes hurt to bring one to the realization that there are things that we can't figure out on our own, and there's two ways to learn: either wake up now and take action about it, or get hurt and bruised all over and learn the hard way...
Naturally, I tend to accept what I've been taught without question. If my maths teacher taught me that 2 plus 2 equals to 4, I accept that without question. But not everything is that simple to understand, and at some point or another there will be different routes to everything. Then, I need to decide o which route, and did I mention the endless contradictions that we meet while obtaining information? My parents do ask me 'where did you get that philosophy from, we didn't teach you that...!' about certain ideas that I have and often I don't know where they come from. It's like I'm absorbing everything I hear like some sort of sponge without much filtering of the positive/negative influences.
For example, I'm always trying to be heard and listened to, or in a nutshell, an attention seeker. Yes, the painful truth that that is. I'm definitely not proud of it :( But this weakness was (and still subconsciously is) at work, even though there were improvements. Every time I go out with friends, I make sure that I wear something that they'd never seen me wear before, and I doubly make sure that I look good. I do it without realizing it. Now, it's alright to want to look good,but I also get depressed when caught in a bad hair day, because that means that people saw a 'ugly' side of me. How many times have I to remind myself that it's what's inside that matters? And when I didn't get my chance of expressing my opinion in places, I get disappointed too, as if my opinion is prized above all others...?
I'd found this quote on Twitter just now: The women who don't seek attention are usually the women you need to be giving your attention to. Well, it's true, I don't have to seek the attention of those who really hear me out, listen to and appreciate me in any relationship. As for the rest, they are at liberty to either listen or ignore, and it doesn't have to affect me :)
That beings me to questions about faith. To tell the truth, I really admire seekers, you know the people who don't just take the beliefs and cultural practices that they've been taught since young just at face value, but ask, inquire and probe deeper about them, i.e finding about for yourself what you actually believe and questioning about it instead of relying on hand-me-down values? In other words, when a seeker says that he or she believes in a certain principle, it's because they have done their own research, and came to a conclusion, and at the very least made an informed decision. However, I was afraid to seek, because there's always that funny feeling that if you were to dig deep into anything, the results can overwhelm you, and you just can't take it, but in the midst of all that you still have to...decide. Ah, that 6-letter word...
For me, faith seems like religion and rites, a certain way of doing things, and certain things that I choose to believe. But being a follower of Christ is much more than all that. In fact, the heartbeat of Christianity is a living relationship with God through Christ. I'm still trying to, and will try to as a seeker (I want to be one now) understand and experience this living, personal relationship that I've been taught about, by myself. Also, I'd also want to learn to read the Bible, and treat it as it is: God's love letter, His message, that speaks to daily life, that is real to me, that is much more than a historical record of facts and miracles(which honestly is my level of understanding about it right now).
Dear God, I want to be a seeker. Grant me the desire to seek and find out more about You...
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8 (NIV)
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