Today I'm going to blog about something that I'd mentioned some time ago in this entry, but in more (personal) detail, as well as the two main attitudes associated with it.
Since young, I always enjoyed attention and the feeling of being heard, and it showed, according to my parents and those who knew me since young. There were even pictures of me singing to songs on the television in the family album. At that young and (kind of) innocent age, attention-seeking was only natural, innocent, and not mixed with hidden motives that came with growing up.
However, as years passed, media influence introduced me to the idea of the queen bee or the popular girl, you know the ones who are cheerleaders, who make all the guys swoon over them and who basically have their way in the social scene with everyone. (the guy version is the all-star athlete whose build and smooth talking makes every girl in class have a crush on him..oh come on, you know right?)In short, they're the ones who get all the attention...and that I envied terribly!
Sometimes I wonder if that's just Western culture, but after all those years in primary and secondary school (i.e middle and high school) made me realize that it's universal for someone or a certain group to stand out from the crowd due to certain qualities such as talent, social status, etc., but in Malaysia and other places it's just expressed in different contexts, such as smart ones versus the rest, or involved ones versus the rest, etc.
The motive of wanting to be popular and well-liked basically consumed me (yes, I have to use that word, because that's how strong it was at that time) in my early teen years that in everything that I did I always tried to found some way to get attention somehow, whether positively or negatively, as getting more attention is the main thing that made me happy, secure, etc., and in doing that I made a lot of blunders, sad to say, and lost many quality friends in the process while chasing the popular ones who I thought will raise my social rank, but just like the Malay saying goes, "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran", I was ignored for being this desperate weirdo trying to seek attention in any way possible.
The fact that I was timid made me use tears as some sort of manipulation tool at that time to gain attention, as in negative attention is better than nothing at all. If I were to write a letter to myself 6 years ago, I'll really give 'her' a lecture on why popularity isn't everything in life, on why being herself would be a much better option and that she'd stay true to the person God has created her to be.
For instance, when I was 13, I tried to become a prefect, not because I enjoy enforcing school rules, but because I knew from somewhere that prefects rule the school, because they had so much influence over everyone. Of course at that age I didn't realize that this respect that they enjoyed came with a lot of responsibility and effort, and all I saw was the attention they received. Ironically, when I wanted so badly to become a prefect, I wasn't elected, but now when I know better and didn't really think of contributing to the school, as a prefect (basically because I thought that it really wasn't me to do that) the student council in my school gives us prefect-like responsibilities, so now I'm kind of one...and with that came a lot of responsibility.
The thing about popular people, people with charisma, people with talent, and especially when these people showcase them in front of one's very eyes, sometimes I can't help but feel intimidated by them, because at that moment I start mentally comparing myself to them and think how much worse I am compared to them. I wonder if you, my reader, ever felt that way when someone better that you in something comes along and "steals the spotlight"?
Seriously, envy is a contagious virus, and I think that it hinders me from appreciating talent in others. I think that this source of envy is insecurity -- that I have no faith over my own abilities and/or worth, and to feel good and worthy in a way, I need to outdo others, and if the converse happens disappointment occurs. To me, we learn to get rid of envy in the negative, destructive sense, and genuinely know to compliment and appreciate those better than us when we realize that the talents of other people don't pose a threat to our own development, gifts, and passions in life, and that we grow better together, by learning from each other instead of envying one another in the negative sense (the positive sense is when someone else's performance pushes us to do better and when there are no hard feelings towards the other person.). As for where I'm at at this stage, I'm still learning, but I'm glad for progress :)
Now on my hidden love. Fairly recently, I experienced public speaking for the first time. It was a class setting where this lecturer came and gave us some tips on how to speak better. I was initially terrified of the thought and thought of skipping school on that day, but at the same time I liked to speak. In the end, the warrior spirit that was in me took over fear, so I went ahead and did it. After I presented my speech, I cried because I was very disappointed on my own performance, and also I was guilty of comparing myself a higher standard that I had set for myself. However, I thank God that I got over that, and now I'm seeking more speaking opportunities. Besides, thanks to that experience, I now know, acknowledge and realize:
I like public speaking. period.
And I'm glad that I'm not doing it now because I want to be popular (even though I do sometimes feel tempted to think that way), or because I feel intimidated and hence need to prove my worth, but simply because it's a further expression of this hidden identity that I've been carrying for so long.
I hope that my post today can benefit you, my reader, even though I have to admit that the amount of "I"s used in this post indicates more personal sharing than the 'tips' and 'oughts' in some of my previous posts. To any tween-ager and up reading this, I really want you to know, and learn from the blunders that yours truly made, that popularity isn't everything. Treasure the friends that genuinely have interest in your life, as they're the ones really worth keeping. :)
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